It's been one of those days...
You know, where everything is just...off. Even as I write this, my computer is glitching, showing each letter one keystroke late.
Time to reboot.
...
...
...
Okay, I'm back.
I know everyone has had many of these days. Nothing tragic has happened. Nothing overly dramatic. I'm just off kilter with the rest of my surroundings, and it makes me want to hide.
I wait and wait for an expected call, only for it to come whilst sitting on the toilet, and my phone is juuuuuust out of reach.
I get no texts at all throughout the day, that is, right until I start driving.
Everywhere I need to get to while I'm at work, someone's already standing there, blocking that one spot I need to reach...and they're the only one around.
Each and every red light stops by to say, "Hello, Krisha. Whatcha doing?"
I feel invisible to every car on the road. My turn to go - oh, okay, I guess you can go first. Oh, you too, truck? Well, surely you can see me, my lights are on - oh, hey now, please don't hit me.
It's like I woke up a beat off to the song called "Today", and I've never been able to sync up with the rhythm. It makes me sigh.
Oh, and just as I was about to publish this post, my cat peed on the carpet.
Aaaaaand post.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
A Lot Has Changed in Ten Years
2000:
2010:
They're right. The more you are together, the more you start to look alike.
2010:
They're right. The more you are together, the more you start to look alike.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Looking Back
Recently Greg decided to read through almost all of my blog posts. That gave me a great idea: I'm going to copy what he did.
So I did. I read back through all of my posts. Upon doing so, I realized several things:
I've grown. I've become more happy over the past three years of writing on here, and I have become more comfortable in my own skin. Not to say that there isn't A LOT that I can still work on for myself, but self-improvement is a never-ending process. I think if someone can say "I am exactly who I want to be, and I don't need to ever change again," they may need to start back at square one. The world around us is constantly changing. Plants and animals are constantly evolving and adapting to their ever changing environment, so why shouldn't we?
I won't necessarily say that I failed in my efforts to volunteer more. Ok, I failed. I should say it. But that's ok. I wanted to volunteer, so I could give without asking for anything in return. I wanted to do something outside of my little world, because I was feeling like I wasn't making an impact on anyone's life - at times not even my own life. So I went out there, and I looked at a few organizations. I even signed up for the Humane Society - went through all my interviews, orientations and training - and even worked a couple days. But it just wasn't a good fit for me. And while I was making time to volunteer, I was losing time on other aspects of my life that I wanted to work on. Mainly, I wanted (still want) to do more for my family, little gestures, a bigger effort to stay connected with them. Then I thought about the quote (as cheesy as it sounds) "Charity begins at home." My time, my love, my efforts for now (and really always, but not solely), need to go to my family. So I am giving. I am trying. So yes, I did fail in the aspect of traditional volunteering, I will admit that. But in my efforts, I have learned, and I have made helpful discoveries, and that's the best part about failure.
About wanting to cook more. Hmmm....yeah, I do cook more. Do I cook as often as I said I would? No. I had made a small goal for myself, and that was to cook one meal at home every week. I don't really do that. Hell, I forgot that I even wrote about doing that. Bummer. I have learned how to make the most delicious marinated chicken legs ever, though. That's a small accomplishment.
I can say this: I feel good. I like where I am going in my life. I have made changes that I am happy with, and I feel my mistakes and failures have been recognized and accepted with an open mind and humility. I am taking care of myself without feeling guilty or selfish, and that is a pretty big accomplishment for me.
So I did. I read back through all of my posts. Upon doing so, I realized several things:
I've grown. I've become more happy over the past three years of writing on here, and I have become more comfortable in my own skin. Not to say that there isn't A LOT that I can still work on for myself, but self-improvement is a never-ending process. I think if someone can say "I am exactly who I want to be, and I don't need to ever change again," they may need to start back at square one. The world around us is constantly changing. Plants and animals are constantly evolving and adapting to their ever changing environment, so why shouldn't we?
I won't necessarily say that I failed in my efforts to volunteer more. Ok, I failed. I should say it. But that's ok. I wanted to volunteer, so I could give without asking for anything in return. I wanted to do something outside of my little world, because I was feeling like I wasn't making an impact on anyone's life - at times not even my own life. So I went out there, and I looked at a few organizations. I even signed up for the Humane Society - went through all my interviews, orientations and training - and even worked a couple days. But it just wasn't a good fit for me. And while I was making time to volunteer, I was losing time on other aspects of my life that I wanted to work on. Mainly, I wanted (still want) to do more for my family, little gestures, a bigger effort to stay connected with them. Then I thought about the quote (as cheesy as it sounds) "Charity begins at home." My time, my love, my efforts for now (and really always, but not solely), need to go to my family. So I am giving. I am trying. So yes, I did fail in the aspect of traditional volunteering, I will admit that. But in my efforts, I have learned, and I have made helpful discoveries, and that's the best part about failure.
About wanting to cook more. Hmmm....yeah, I do cook more. Do I cook as often as I said I would? No. I had made a small goal for myself, and that was to cook one meal at home every week. I don't really do that. Hell, I forgot that I even wrote about doing that. Bummer. I have learned how to make the most delicious marinated chicken legs ever, though. That's a small accomplishment.
I can say this: I feel good. I like where I am going in my life. I have made changes that I am happy with, and I feel my mistakes and failures have been recognized and accepted with an open mind and humility. I am taking care of myself without feeling guilty or selfish, and that is a pretty big accomplishment for me.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
For "You"
It's a strange age we live in - the age where we can communicate through a solely virtual world. All the people that speak to one another through the computer and ONLY the computer. Instead of a handshake or hug, we get a virtual "poke", instead of a smile from a beautiful face - eyes sparkling, fine lines and wrinkles emerging from around our lips and the corners of the eyes, we get a colon and parenthesis. Our walls are down, because our screens are up, and we get to decide how people will see us, because we can backspace, delete, pause and wikipedia our speech. Like a piece of clay, we mold, re-mold, and re-shape our image until it is up to our standards of the "us" we want the virtual world to see.
I'm sure we all twist our worlds a little from time to time, trying to make our day seem more interesting, double-checking our spelling so we don't present ourselves as less knowledgeable as we'd like to believe to be, copying and pasting, cropping, editing, photoshopping and more. But sometimes I think (some more than others) we take advantage of the ability to edit ourselves. When we paint ourselves as the victim, we need to step away from typing about the wrongs which have been bestowed upon us hoping to gain sympathy, and instead we need to lift our hands off the keys, and face no one but ourselves, to learn - and accept - that sometimes, it's our own fault. Sometimes, we aren't trying hard enough. Sometimes, it was us that made the mistake. Sometimes, we fail, and sometimes from these failures, we hurt people we care about.
Sometimes we need to step away from our computers, and fix ourselves - without witnesses. Learn true humility - without documenting every step. Learn to truly cope - without waiting for a comment to say you've done it the right way. Learn to truly try. Learn that it's okay to mess up, and it's okay to not let everyone know what's happening in every second of your life. Learn to stop blaming someone else for something that you can take control of. Stop painting someone else as the bad guy, and learn that sometimes the bad guy is you. Learn that all the online comments in the world will not turn a lie into a truth.
I'm sure we all twist our worlds a little from time to time, trying to make our day seem more interesting, double-checking our spelling so we don't present ourselves as less knowledgeable as we'd like to believe to be, copying and pasting, cropping, editing, photoshopping and more. But sometimes I think (some more than others) we take advantage of the ability to edit ourselves. When we paint ourselves as the victim, we need to step away from typing about the wrongs which have been bestowed upon us hoping to gain sympathy, and instead we need to lift our hands off the keys, and face no one but ourselves, to learn - and accept - that sometimes, it's our own fault. Sometimes, we aren't trying hard enough. Sometimes, it was us that made the mistake. Sometimes, we fail, and sometimes from these failures, we hurt people we care about.
Sometimes we need to step away from our computers, and fix ourselves - without witnesses. Learn true humility - without documenting every step. Learn to truly cope - without waiting for a comment to say you've done it the right way. Learn to truly try. Learn that it's okay to mess up, and it's okay to not let everyone know what's happening in every second of your life. Learn to stop blaming someone else for something that you can take control of. Stop painting someone else as the bad guy, and learn that sometimes the bad guy is you. Learn that all the online comments in the world will not turn a lie into a truth.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Free Write: Sister
Your voice carries like the wind, bouncing off the buildings, sweeping the leaves of the trees with a gentle push of your sounds.
Carry on.
Carry on.
You showed me beauty in my youth, now I see fear.
But carry on, my dear.
Your beauty, your strength, your need to stand tall.
It's still there.
Carry on.
Carry on, my dear.
Your bruises will fade, your tears will dry. But you alone must stand up and try.
Carry on.
Carry on.
Carry on, my dear.
A gentle push, like your voice to the trees, will not make you fall, nor will it lead you to your dreams. You alone can reach those stars. You alone, your will, your never-ending effort to keep yourself going. Step. Step.
Carry on.
Carry on.
Carry on, my dear.
Do not let your fears quiet your shine, dull out your eyes, keep moving on, fight to get yourself back.
Carry on.
Carry on.
Carry on.
You showed me beauty in my youth, now I see fear.
But carry on, my dear.
Your beauty, your strength, your need to stand tall.
It's still there.
Carry on.
Carry on, my dear.
Your bruises will fade, your tears will dry. But you alone must stand up and try.
Carry on.
Carry on.
Carry on, my dear.
A gentle push, like your voice to the trees, will not make you fall, nor will it lead you to your dreams. You alone can reach those stars. You alone, your will, your never-ending effort to keep yourself going. Step. Step.
Carry on.
Carry on.
Carry on, my dear.
Do not let your fears quiet your shine, dull out your eyes, keep moving on, fight to get yourself back.
Carry on.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Gracias
It's that wonderful time of year again! The time when we celebrate my hobby: eating!
Ahhh, Thanksgiving, one of my favorite times of the year, where eating until the brink of vomiting is encouraged, and being lazy is welcomed into any home - at least any home I've been in. I am thankful for the gargantuan turkey Greg will prepare in a few hours, thankful for Gina inviting us into her home for the holiday, and thankful for so much more! So, in keeping with this grand holiday tradition of giving thanks (we'll ignore all the sad parts with the Native Americans getting screwed), I'd like to list a few things that I am so very grateful for...
Family:
- Of course, familia. Numero uno in my book. I forget to call, I move hours and hours and hours away, I don't write, I rarely send little gifts or notes to simply state "I'm thinking of you, and I love you". I'm pretty bad at keeping in touch actually, but THEY STILL LOVE ME. This I know. No matter how much time or distance, my family will always be the love of my life. My brother and sister are the best people in the world, and without them in my life, I would be broken. My father has sacrificed more than I will ever know to keep me safe, with a roof over my head, food in my mouth, and as happy as I could be, even through our most troubling times. My mom...she is a special one, shall we say? For all the tears and heartbreak, I still know that no one on this earth will ever love me more than she does, and one day I hope we will both know how to share this love with each other to the best of our abilities. Let's not forget all the rest: aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, nieces and nephews - they are ALL important to me. Whether is was early on in my life, with my older cousins watching over me and playing with me, or more recent with new babies and milestones, there's a cherished memory with each family member - all 1,000 of them ;o)
- Getting a little more specific: I am thankful that my sister never stops letting her kids know who I am. I breaks my heart some days, being so far from my niece and nephews, but my sister is so good at telling those kids who I am, and how much I love them. I hope that one day I will be just as good at letting them know myself, but for now, I am so grateful that when I do get to see them, they run to me with open arms and without hesitation.
- Let's not forget Greg. I love him for who he is. He loves me for who I am. If there's ever a rough moment for us, we keep trying, instead of giving up, and we truly respect one another. There are always other fish in the sea, but every day, I choose him and he chooses me. It's as simple as that. Go rugby team.
- My friends in Oregon. It took me a while to get adjusted to living so far away from who and what I knew. I've made some pretty phenomenal friends along the way. Gina, Brook and Eek - I am thankful for the crazy little family we've created up here. I'd be lost without you girls.
- My cat. Call me a crazy cat lady, but Edgar is my baby. Seventeen years - over half of my life - this fuzzy little fatty has been a with me. This morning, I threw a blanket over my shoulders, scooped Edgar up into my arms, went downstairs and shared a quiet cuddly moment. We have a lot of these moments, and I am thankful for every single one.
- Bacon. I will always be grateful for bacon. Not only does it taste DELICIOUS, but it has become a topic of conversation between me and so many people. They know me for bacon. It's a good ice-breaker.
- My job. Despite all the growing corporate drama, I love my job. I am thankful to have one at all. But seriously, I get to draw for a living. Granted, I don't get to be as creative as I want to be, nor do I get to show "my" style, but I get to use paint, and markers and sometimes even glitter spray, and that's pretty rad. Besides, if I got to show my own style, the store would be filled with dancing poop, blood & guts, and way more sarcastic bullet points - probably not the best marketing.
- I am thankful for the desire to never stop creating. Now I've got to work on the actual drive, but that want is still there, and with as many times as I've ignored this desire to draw, write, paint, act, whatever it may be, that tiny little flame to be imaginative hasn't died out.
- I am thankful for my silliness. I like poop jokes. I laugh when I fart, or when anyone farts for that matter. Call me juvenile, or call me immature. I will always dance goofy, talk in weird voices, and giggle at inappropriate times.
Well, that's my list. There's a lot more to be thankful for, but if I listed it all, this post would never end. Every day I find something to be thankful for. Every healthy day my grandmother has, I am grateful. Every day that goes by where my cat doesn't have a seizure, I give thanks. Every shining moment in life - be it grand (like being able to take a great vacation - next up: Ireland) or small (There's a can of crab in my fridge with my name all over it!) I am truly grateful for all of it. Life can really suck sometimes, and if we don't recognize all the little moments of greatness, it can break us. I hope to always try and find every little moment in life that reminds me to give thanks.
Ahhh, Thanksgiving, one of my favorite times of the year, where eating until the brink of vomiting is encouraged, and being lazy is welcomed into any home - at least any home I've been in. I am thankful for the gargantuan turkey Greg will prepare in a few hours, thankful for Gina inviting us into her home for the holiday, and thankful for so much more! So, in keeping with this grand holiday tradition of giving thanks (we'll ignore all the sad parts with the Native Americans getting screwed), I'd like to list a few things that I am so very grateful for...
Family:
- Of course, familia. Numero uno in my book. I forget to call, I move hours and hours and hours away, I don't write, I rarely send little gifts or notes to simply state "I'm thinking of you, and I love you". I'm pretty bad at keeping in touch actually, but THEY STILL LOVE ME. This I know. No matter how much time or distance, my family will always be the love of my life. My brother and sister are the best people in the world, and without them in my life, I would be broken. My father has sacrificed more than I will ever know to keep me safe, with a roof over my head, food in my mouth, and as happy as I could be, even through our most troubling times. My mom...she is a special one, shall we say? For all the tears and heartbreak, I still know that no one on this earth will ever love me more than she does, and one day I hope we will both know how to share this love with each other to the best of our abilities. Let's not forget all the rest: aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, nieces and nephews - they are ALL important to me. Whether is was early on in my life, with my older cousins watching over me and playing with me, or more recent with new babies and milestones, there's a cherished memory with each family member - all 1,000 of them ;o)
- Getting a little more specific: I am thankful that my sister never stops letting her kids know who I am. I breaks my heart some days, being so far from my niece and nephews, but my sister is so good at telling those kids who I am, and how much I love them. I hope that one day I will be just as good at letting them know myself, but for now, I am so grateful that when I do get to see them, they run to me with open arms and without hesitation.
- Let's not forget Greg. I love him for who he is. He loves me for who I am. If there's ever a rough moment for us, we keep trying, instead of giving up, and we truly respect one another. There are always other fish in the sea, but every day, I choose him and he chooses me. It's as simple as that. Go rugby team.
- My friends in Oregon. It took me a while to get adjusted to living so far away from who and what I knew. I've made some pretty phenomenal friends along the way. Gina, Brook and Eek - I am thankful for the crazy little family we've created up here. I'd be lost without you girls.
- My cat. Call me a crazy cat lady, but Edgar is my baby. Seventeen years - over half of my life - this fuzzy little fatty has been a with me. This morning, I threw a blanket over my shoulders, scooped Edgar up into my arms, went downstairs and shared a quiet cuddly moment. We have a lot of these moments, and I am thankful for every single one.
- Bacon. I will always be grateful for bacon. Not only does it taste DELICIOUS, but it has become a topic of conversation between me and so many people. They know me for bacon. It's a good ice-breaker.
- My job. Despite all the growing corporate drama, I love my job. I am thankful to have one at all. But seriously, I get to draw for a living. Granted, I don't get to be as creative as I want to be, nor do I get to show "my" style, but I get to use paint, and markers and sometimes even glitter spray, and that's pretty rad. Besides, if I got to show my own style, the store would be filled with dancing poop, blood & guts, and way more sarcastic bullet points - probably not the best marketing.
- I am thankful for the desire to never stop creating. Now I've got to work on the actual drive, but that want is still there, and with as many times as I've ignored this desire to draw, write, paint, act, whatever it may be, that tiny little flame to be imaginative hasn't died out.
- I am thankful for my silliness. I like poop jokes. I laugh when I fart, or when anyone farts for that matter. Call me juvenile, or call me immature. I will always dance goofy, talk in weird voices, and giggle at inappropriate times.
Well, that's my list. There's a lot more to be thankful for, but if I listed it all, this post would never end. Every day I find something to be thankful for. Every healthy day my grandmother has, I am grateful. Every day that goes by where my cat doesn't have a seizure, I give thanks. Every shining moment in life - be it grand (like being able to take a great vacation - next up: Ireland) or small (There's a can of crab in my fridge with my name all over it!) I am truly grateful for all of it. Life can really suck sometimes, and if we don't recognize all the little moments of greatness, it can break us. I hope to always try and find every little moment in life that reminds me to give thanks.
Monday, November 22, 2010
It Was Easier When I Was Sad
So I have no real worries. Nothing out of the ordinary. Paying bills, cleaning the house, eating healthy meals, staying active.
Ho hum.
Ordinary.
Just another ordinary day.
Ordinary days does not the inspiring writer make. Pain and grief paint such a deeper picture. More nuances, more details that people want to read about. More strength.
More strength? Really?
Expressing sadness, describing - living drama takes more strength than happiness?
Sadness takes more strength than happiness? Yes.
Writing about sadness takes more strength than happiness? No.
It's hard to try to share my life in words when I am happy. I feel as though I'm either boring people to death, or that I'm bragging. No one likes a bragger. People seem to connect and attach to others more when they share the hardships and negativity in their lives. Try to share some positive news? They look like they want to punch you in the face.
I don't want to brag. I don't want to report. I just want to be creative.
Ho hum.
Ordinary.
Just another ordinary day.
Ordinary days does not the inspiring writer make. Pain and grief paint such a deeper picture. More nuances, more details that people want to read about. More strength.
More strength? Really?
Expressing sadness, describing - living drama takes more strength than happiness?
Sadness takes more strength than happiness? Yes.
Writing about sadness takes more strength than happiness? No.
It's hard to try to share my life in words when I am happy. I feel as though I'm either boring people to death, or that I'm bragging. No one likes a bragger. People seem to connect and attach to others more when they share the hardships and negativity in their lives. Try to share some positive news? They look like they want to punch you in the face.
I don't want to brag. I don't want to report. I just want to be creative.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Free Write: WTF
Pickle parts of post-it notes can trap a monkey's pet poodle.
Try to practice writing every day to stretchh your imagination button.
Clicky-clack-clack poncho heavy heaving gusts of cheese.
China cracks down on pigmy pancake socials.
Shanking cholas for her shoes.
Crazy days of hazy lazy pests of chicken drool.
sheep shave down on shower times to help the world stay green.
Good for gravy boats when sticky situations ask for captains of the mushroom seas.
Casts of Facts of Life stay in their agoraphobic states so congress can work.
Thank heavens for red bloody meat.
Simple strokes of keyboard keys to make my mind feel less like mashed potatoes.
Someday I can try to make a legitimate mark on life.
Cycle drives to make me fit, but cars keep my ass squishy.
Try to practice writing every day to stretchh your imagination button.
Clicky-clack-clack poncho heavy heaving gusts of cheese.
China cracks down on pigmy pancake socials.
Shanking cholas for her shoes.
Crazy days of hazy lazy pests of chicken drool.
sheep shave down on shower times to help the world stay green.
Good for gravy boats when sticky situations ask for captains of the mushroom seas.
Casts of Facts of Life stay in their agoraphobic states so congress can work.
Thank heavens for red bloody meat.
Simple strokes of keyboard keys to make my mind feel less like mashed potatoes.
Someday I can try to make a legitimate mark on life.
Cycle drives to make me fit, but cars keep my ass squishy.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Shakespeare
To breed, or not to breed?
That has been the question for myself since my birthday in August. I decided to make this year my year of pondering upon whether or not I want to have a kid. I let Greg know about this, so he can think about it too. I just don't know.
I know that everyone always says, "You're never really ready for a child", and I understand that. If I decide to have a kid, I know I won't truly be ready, but I want to make sure that I am truly certain if I want one at all. I go back and forth, and so far I don't know what my answer is. Well, I've got about eight more months to keep thinking...
This is what I've thought about so far:
I love the fact that Greg and I can ask ourselves "what do we want to do today?" and when we think of something, we just get up and go. I also love my alone time. I'm happy right now. Very happy. Greg and I are in a really good place in our relationship, and do I want to take the chance of rocking the boat with the life changes of having a child? Do we want to change our lives? It's pretty damn good right now. Also, we don't have any family up here, and lots of times, family equals free baby-sitting. I have friends that would probably be willing to baby-sit every now and then, but daycare would definitely be needed if we want to avoid having completely opposite schedules. I don't think I'd like opposite schedules, even if it would only be for a few years, until the kid starts school. God, then school! All the costs, all the decisions, all the scheduling, cleaning, watching, spending, taking care of - it's all a huge load of changes that make my easy life right now seem that much more precious.
I know that all the sacrifices and changes and decisions will be easier to make with an actual baby in my arms. I know I'd do anything for my child, but I also know myself. I know people "change" when they have a kid, but I also believe that a lot of people tell themselves that it's all worth it, because they can't do anything about it - the child is there. It's yours, so you may as well make the best of it and have a positive attitude.
But, when night falls, and the house is finally quiet, and I, the parent, finally has a chance to stop, and breathe...will I be happy with the day I had? Will I be fulfilled? For myself? Will I still feel like I can achieve my own happiness, as my own person? I have a hard enough time trying to reach the small goals I have right now, without a kid. I know that won't be easier with a baby around, and I really have to think about whether or not it's really worth it. That may sound a bit harsh, but what's harsh to me is to have a child for the wrong reasons. The problem I have right now is: what are the right reasons?
The right reasons: the love, the family. Nothing matters more to me than the people I love - my family. When I visit my nieces and nephews, I feel a love and connection with them that is like no other. Having that kind of love with my own child surely can't be a bad thing. I see some of my friends that have kids, and I see how they manage their lives. They care for their kids, and are still able to keep who they are as an adult, separate from being a parent.
But still...
I am happy now. I love and I feel loved now. Do I need to have that extra love? Can I live without it? That's such an unknown. I can't imagine the love I would have for my own child, but it wouldn't replace the love I already have for my nieces and nephews. Love is no doubt a strong word. It's an emotion, an action and so much more, but love is not everything. As idealistic as I'd like to be (because it would make decision making so much easier), I believe that love does NOT conquer all. Realities, effort, hard work, planning, and so many other aspects of being a well rounded human being play a huge role in being able to express and appreciate all that love. Sigh.
I'll just keep thinking.
That has been the question for myself since my birthday in August. I decided to make this year my year of pondering upon whether or not I want to have a kid. I let Greg know about this, so he can think about it too. I just don't know.
I know that everyone always says, "You're never really ready for a child", and I understand that. If I decide to have a kid, I know I won't truly be ready, but I want to make sure that I am truly certain if I want one at all. I go back and forth, and so far I don't know what my answer is. Well, I've got about eight more months to keep thinking...
This is what I've thought about so far:
I love the fact that Greg and I can ask ourselves "what do we want to do today?" and when we think of something, we just get up and go. I also love my alone time. I'm happy right now. Very happy. Greg and I are in a really good place in our relationship, and do I want to take the chance of rocking the boat with the life changes of having a child? Do we want to change our lives? It's pretty damn good right now. Also, we don't have any family up here, and lots of times, family equals free baby-sitting. I have friends that would probably be willing to baby-sit every now and then, but daycare would definitely be needed if we want to avoid having completely opposite schedules. I don't think I'd like opposite schedules, even if it would only be for a few years, until the kid starts school. God, then school! All the costs, all the decisions, all the scheduling, cleaning, watching, spending, taking care of - it's all a huge load of changes that make my easy life right now seem that much more precious.
I know that all the sacrifices and changes and decisions will be easier to make with an actual baby in my arms. I know I'd do anything for my child, but I also know myself. I know people "change" when they have a kid, but I also believe that a lot of people tell themselves that it's all worth it, because they can't do anything about it - the child is there. It's yours, so you may as well make the best of it and have a positive attitude.
But, when night falls, and the house is finally quiet, and I, the parent, finally has a chance to stop, and breathe...will I be happy with the day I had? Will I be fulfilled? For myself? Will I still feel like I can achieve my own happiness, as my own person? I have a hard enough time trying to reach the small goals I have right now, without a kid. I know that won't be easier with a baby around, and I really have to think about whether or not it's really worth it. That may sound a bit harsh, but what's harsh to me is to have a child for the wrong reasons. The problem I have right now is: what are the right reasons?
The right reasons: the love, the family. Nothing matters more to me than the people I love - my family. When I visit my nieces and nephews, I feel a love and connection with them that is like no other. Having that kind of love with my own child surely can't be a bad thing. I see some of my friends that have kids, and I see how they manage their lives. They care for their kids, and are still able to keep who they are as an adult, separate from being a parent.
But still...
I am happy now. I love and I feel loved now. Do I need to have that extra love? Can I live without it? That's such an unknown. I can't imagine the love I would have for my own child, but it wouldn't replace the love I already have for my nieces and nephews. Love is no doubt a strong word. It's an emotion, an action and so much more, but love is not everything. As idealistic as I'd like to be (because it would make decision making so much easier), I believe that love does NOT conquer all. Realities, effort, hard work, planning, and so many other aspects of being a well rounded human being play a huge role in being able to express and appreciate all that love. Sigh.
I'll just keep thinking.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Yep
Hmm...it's been a long time, I know. I can try to make some fluffy word excuse and say things along the lines of, "Life has just been so crazy, my mind is filled with all the answers to the meaning of my life, but time had kept me from writing, and is keeping me with adventures." Or, "Words words words, filling my mind, never filling the screen, because although they make sense in my brain, they seem almost like a foreign language when set to paper or screen." Or how about, "I sit, with laptop on lap (appropriately so), and brace myself to let my inner soul escape onto this cyber world. Ready to take the criticisms, the laughter, the praise, and the occasional raised eyebrow. I sit, my fingers, don't move, my breath quickens, my palms sweat, and I am scared to share."
Nope.
I've been lazy.
I'm not even gonna say I'm going to try to get better at updating this with something actually interesting. I can say that I'll try to try (and shake my head in pity while I do so) and give it a good ol' college try.
The only problem with that is that I didn't finish college. I guess I'm giving the ol' college try then. Sheesh.
I don't like being this lazy person. All I can do is make some effort in my life. I can blame no one but myself for this one.
Nope.
I've been lazy.
I'm not even gonna say I'm going to try to get better at updating this with something actually interesting. I can say that I'll try to try (and shake my head in pity while I do so) and give it a good ol' college try.
The only problem with that is that I didn't finish college. I guess I'm giving the ol' college try then. Sheesh.
I don't like being this lazy person. All I can do is make some effort in my life. I can blame no one but myself for this one.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Dirdy Birdy
As promised, here are some photos from the Dirdy Birdy.
What is the Dirdy Birdy, you ask?
It's an annual 5k run in a sloppy, messy, completely magical mud-filled obstacle course! This year's race took place at the Portland International Raceway, on the dirtbike course. There were ropes to scurry under, mud pits to sludge through (many a pore soles were lost in those pits. Shoes. Get it? Get it? Oh God, that was awesome) mudslides, mounds and more. I know it all comes down to a track full of mud, but this track full of mud made for one of the most fun times I have ever had in my life. Yes. My life. That. Much. Fun.
What is the Dirdy Birdy, you ask?
It's an annual 5k run in a sloppy, messy, completely magical mud-filled obstacle course! This year's race took place at the Portland International Raceway, on the dirtbike course. There were ropes to scurry under, mud pits to sludge through (many a pore soles were lost in those pits. Shoes. Get it? Get it? Oh God, that was awesome) mudslides, mounds and more. I know it all comes down to a track full of mud, but this track full of mud made for one of the most fun times I have ever had in my life. Yes. My life. That. Much. Fun.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
And I Shake My Head...
Guy I work with: Tomato...tomato...how do you spell "tomato"? Is it with an "e"?
Me: No, it just ends in an "o" unless you want to make it plural.
GIWW: What?
Me: Plural. Tomatoes. If it's plural, it has an "e". Like potato and potatoes.
GIWW: So, no "e"?
Me: Not if it's singular.
GIWW: But...but, what did that one guy do? He spelled something like that...
Me: Are you talking about Dan Quayle? He spelled potato with an "e".
GIWW: Huhhuh.....man, that guy's an idiot!
Me: *head tilt, slow nod, slow speech* Yes. Yes he is.
Me: No, it just ends in an "o" unless you want to make it plural.
GIWW: What?
Me: Plural. Tomatoes. If it's plural, it has an "e". Like potato and potatoes.
GIWW: So, no "e"?
Me: Not if it's singular.
GIWW: But...but, what did that one guy do? He spelled something like that...
Me: Are you talking about Dan Quayle? He spelled potato with an "e".
GIWW: Huhhuh.....man, that guy's an idiot!
Me: *head tilt, slow nod, slow speech* Yes. Yes he is.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Bleh-biddy Bleh Bleh Blah
Sometimes we need a good cry-fest. Sometimes all it takes to make us feel better is a long hug. Other times we just need to kick the shit out of something, or someone.
Let it out by writing.
Let it go by exercising.
Meditate.
Sing.
Sometimes we just
need
something.
Here's the problem. I don't know what it is, and I don't know what I want. My brain, my body, my soul, my essence is in a personal coma, and I can't figure out how to get out of this funk. A stinky, life-pausing, sucky funk.
I've been wanting to write, but I've had a problem putting all these jumbled, rambling, confusing thoughts into coherent and eloquent words that anyone (including myself) would want to read. I've been wanting to get out - ride my bike, go for a hike, SOMETHING, but it's been raining nearly every day and like a genuine wuss, the wicked witch of the west, I feel I need to avoid the water. I've been wanting to draw but I STILL HAVEN'T BOUGHT MORE PENCILS. I've been wanting to spend time with my husband, but he's been working 1,000 hours a week and is using the remaining ten minutes on his computer chatting it up with friends. I've never been so jealous of online people in MY ENTIRE LIFE. Maybe if I start playing World of Warcraft, I'll get to spend time with him...in a virtual world...while we sit on the couch...in the same room...only staring at each other's avatars. I've been wanting to work more at work, but I'm not allowed to work more than 40 hours, even though I have 50 hours of work to do. I've been wanting to hang out with my friends, but it seems that everyone's schedule is different than mine, our paths have not been crossing for some time now. I've been wanting to live, breathe, laugh, move, excite, feel, ANYTHING, but I can't seem to start ANYTHING.
Ok, got that out.
Let it out by writing.
Let it go by exercising.
Meditate.
Sing.
Sometimes we just
need
something.
Here's the problem. I don't know what it is, and I don't know what I want. My brain, my body, my soul, my essence is in a personal coma, and I can't figure out how to get out of this funk. A stinky, life-pausing, sucky funk.
I've been wanting to write, but I've had a problem putting all these jumbled, rambling, confusing thoughts into coherent and eloquent words that anyone (including myself) would want to read. I've been wanting to get out - ride my bike, go for a hike, SOMETHING, but it's been raining nearly every day and like a genuine wuss, the wicked witch of the west, I feel I need to avoid the water. I've been wanting to draw but I STILL HAVEN'T BOUGHT MORE PENCILS. I've been wanting to spend time with my husband, but he's been working 1,000 hours a week and is using the remaining ten minutes on his computer chatting it up with friends. I've never been so jealous of online people in MY ENTIRE LIFE. Maybe if I start playing World of Warcraft, I'll get to spend time with him...in a virtual world...while we sit on the couch...in the same room...only staring at each other's avatars. I've been wanting to work more at work, but I'm not allowed to work more than 40 hours, even though I have 50 hours of work to do. I've been wanting to hang out with my friends, but it seems that everyone's schedule is different than mine, our paths have not been crossing for some time now. I've been wanting to live, breathe, laugh, move, excite, feel, ANYTHING, but I can't seem to start ANYTHING.
Ok, got that out.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Really?
I do art. I do it for my job, and for fun.
I wanted to start a sketch for my sister, but a pencil in my house is nowhere to be found.
Really?
Not a single pencil in the entire house?
Well, I found one mechanical pencil...
but it was broken.
One broken pencil in my entire house.
I'm an artist, and I have no pencils.
Really?
Lame.
I wanted to start a sketch for my sister, but a pencil in my house is nowhere to be found.
Really?
Not a single pencil in the entire house?
Well, I found one mechanical pencil...
but it was broken.
One broken pencil in my entire house.
I'm an artist, and I have no pencils.
Really?
Lame.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
A Sad Reality
I have just spent hours reading over journals I wrote in between the years 1994 and 1997. I decided to look through them to find some funny entries that I could possibly submit to Mortified. What I found out as I read through book after book after book was, those were some very difficult years. It made me cry, actually.
Now, I know the words of a 13 though 16 year old are almost always going to be over dramatic, especially if you're writing about drama. The sad thing is, so much of the entries weren't about drama with school, boys, friends, etc. It was about family. My family, and the difficult times we had during those years. My entries weren't about specific incidents that happened, but they were about my feelings, and my utter confusion about life and if it was supposed to be this painful for everyone. As I am know, looking back at those years, before re-reading my journals, I didn't think the trials and tribulations my family went through were that painful to me. There are, in fact, so many ways that I am so grateful for everything that happened, and how it happened, because now as an adult, I can take so many lessons from all of what happened. I chose who I would love with a lot more caution and wisdom than I think I would have had I never experienced and witnessed those things in my past. I am grateful for that.
But to read these journals, and discover just how depressed I was about life. I didn't realize. It's sad. I know it's all in the past, but there is just something so strange about looking into your past, and having it dawn on you that you remember it differently fifteen years later, than how you remembered it two days, or maybe just hours later. I feel really sorry for my teenage self, not realizing how sad I was. I'm better now, don't get me wrong. But those journal entries really came as a shock to me. Life was hard for 13, 14, 15 and 16 year-old me, and I don't know if this makes sense, but I feel like I need to make up for it. I feel like being so unaware of this, is doing harm to my teenage self, and I need to make it up to my younger self.
Man. I think I'm going crazy. Maybe I just need to stop reading The Time Traveler's Wife for a little while.
Does any of this make sense? I'm just so shocked that these journal entries came as such a surprise to me. I mean, I wrote them after all! I should have know what was in there, but I didn't. Maybe I blocked a lot of it out. Maybe I need to see a shrink....
All I know is that I can't believe I survived that, and I hope I'm as stable and happy as I think I am now. I mean, I don't want to look at this blog fifteen years from now and think, "Oh my God, I was so sad! I didn't realize how depressed I was!"
Now, I know the words of a 13 though 16 year old are almost always going to be over dramatic, especially if you're writing about drama. The sad thing is, so much of the entries weren't about drama with school, boys, friends, etc. It was about family. My family, and the difficult times we had during those years. My entries weren't about specific incidents that happened, but they were about my feelings, and my utter confusion about life and if it was supposed to be this painful for everyone. As I am know, looking back at those years, before re-reading my journals, I didn't think the trials and tribulations my family went through were that painful to me. There are, in fact, so many ways that I am so grateful for everything that happened, and how it happened, because now as an adult, I can take so many lessons from all of what happened. I chose who I would love with a lot more caution and wisdom than I think I would have had I never experienced and witnessed those things in my past. I am grateful for that.
But to read these journals, and discover just how depressed I was about life. I didn't realize. It's sad. I know it's all in the past, but there is just something so strange about looking into your past, and having it dawn on you that you remember it differently fifteen years later, than how you remembered it two days, or maybe just hours later. I feel really sorry for my teenage self, not realizing how sad I was. I'm better now, don't get me wrong. But those journal entries really came as a shock to me. Life was hard for 13, 14, 15 and 16 year-old me, and I don't know if this makes sense, but I feel like I need to make up for it. I feel like being so unaware of this, is doing harm to my teenage self, and I need to make it up to my younger self.
Man. I think I'm going crazy. Maybe I just need to stop reading The Time Traveler's Wife for a little while.
Does any of this make sense? I'm just so shocked that these journal entries came as such a surprise to me. I mean, I wrote them after all! I should have know what was in there, but I didn't. Maybe I blocked a lot of it out. Maybe I need to see a shrink....
All I know is that I can't believe I survived that, and I hope I'm as stable and happy as I think I am now. I mean, I don't want to look at this blog fifteen years from now and think, "Oh my God, I was so sad! I didn't realize how depressed I was!"
Friday, April 9, 2010
It's What I Do...
I've been really busy at work lately, which has it's positives and negatives. The downside - I'm really busy. The upside - I have been pushing myself to try new things and take more risks artistically. Sometimes this job can be quite intimidating because I'm showing off whatever skills I have everyday to strangers, coworkers and my bosses. There are times where I feel like I have no ideas left in me, and there I stand with a five foot long board in front of my face. Ok, create. In four hours. Or sooner, if you can. Not having any true training, I get a little scared at times. I don't know much about color theory, I'm horrible at blending and shading, and sometimes I feel like I flat out can't draw at all. Yet, that's what I have to do. That's what I get to do. I love my job. As scary as it is, I get to practice, practice, practice (although everyone sees the practice work) and I get to take that practice and put it to use in my personal artwork...if I have any creative energy left in me to do personal work :o) Oh well.
So, here are a few of the newest signs I've made. It's what I do.
So, here are a few of the newest signs I've made. It's what I do.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Photo Project: Night Shots
Well, here are my night shots. I think I'll call it, "Night Blooms"
Most of the shots are from the Waterfront, when the cherry blossoms were in full bloom. It was gorgeous, and I have lots and lots of cherry blossom shots, but I figure I'd change it up.
One of the many cherry blossom shots. The amber lighting created such a beautiful glow through the delicate blossoms. I tried to capture that with these blossom shots.
Greg and I peeked through the walls into the Chinese Garden. I would love to walk through here late at night! Oh well, I'll just have to be a peeping tom.
My favorite shot ♥
Most of the shots are from the Waterfront, when the cherry blossoms were in full bloom. It was gorgeous, and I have lots and lots of cherry blossom shots, but I figure I'd change it up.
I took several shots of the paddle boat. I'm not too crazy about this shot, but it was the best one I had. I still need to practice a bit with my camera. I'm a work in progress :o)
One of the many cherry blossom shots. The amber lighting created such a beautiful glow through the delicate blossoms. I tried to capture that with these blossom shots.
Greg and I peeked through the walls into the Chinese Garden. I would love to walk through here late at night! Oh well, I'll just have to be a peeping tom.
My favorite shot ♥Friday, April 2, 2010
Man Down! Man Down!
Holy crap! The tree in our backyard fell over! We've been having wicked crazy winds lately, and I guess a few days ago, the wind ripped some of the roots out of the ground, and broke whatever roots were left! I had no idea this had happened until yesterday, when Greg found the tree lying in our neighbor's backyard! He texted me the news as I was driving home, but I thought it was an April Fool's Day joke. Joke's on me, our tree FELL DOWN!
Luckily, no one was hurt, and it didn't hit our house (or our neighbor's house). It did, however, knock over their crappy fence, but I think we did them a favor by letting that thing fall. It also may have damaged their tool shed, but we won't know until we clear out the branches and check for any damage. That shed is super old, and already had tons of damage to it, so I hope the owner doesn't blame that on the tree. Oh well. Wind happens.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Photo Project: Macro
I've finally chosen photos for February's monthly photo project. These are all pictures from my backyard. Spring is waking up and showing it's blooming face here in the PNW, and I'm loving every blossom, sprout and leaf!
Some new green sprouting up. I recommend clicking on the photo, so you can see a bigger shot.
Some new green sprouting up. I recommend clicking on the photo, so you can see a bigger shot.
Our quince tree is blossoming like crazy! It's full of these tiny white flowers. The only thing about this tree is that we do nothing with quince. You can make preserves, but we don't do that. So, when the fruit is overripe and starts to fall, it gets pretty squishy. Anyone want to do some free quince-picking?
A shot of the birdhouse hanging on our quince tree. Our realtor, Katy gave this to us as a little housewarming gift. I've yet to see birds inside, but I'm sure they hang out when I'm not around. Maybe I'll leave a snack for them.
I took several shots of the daffodils, but this one turned out pretty interesting (at least I think so). I like how the details of the petals are blurred, leaving a golden glow around the - oh, what the hell are the little pollen sticks called? Botanist, I am not. Anyway, I like this.
In almost all cases, I am a hater of pink. I despise pink. Very rarely do I enjoy being surrounded by pink. I do, however, make an exception when it comes to flowers. I love pink flowers. What a crazy world I live in. This is from our hybrid plum-cherry tree. Or is it a cherry-plum tree? This has been the mystery tree to even my landscaping friends. All I know is, when this tree fruits, the little pinkish-red-plummy-cherry fruits are delicious! If anyone knows the real name of this tree, pass that info along to me, would you? Thanks!
This month's project: Night shots. I'm excited about this project, because I'm really bad at it. Hopefully I'll stick with it and learn a thing or two. I have one already. It was from Disneyland (as if you couldn't figure that out).
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
I'll post more pics later. But for now...
It's been a while, I know.
Time isn't flying by any faster, and days aren't getting any shorter, yet somehow I feel as if there are never enough hours in the day...
Oh well.
Here are some pictures from my trip to California. It was one of the best trips yet! I had an amazing time with each and every single person I was able to spend time with. I love my family more than words will ever express, and miss them every day, but my life is here in Oregon, and here I will stay, eagerly awaiting family visits :o)
Our first full day in California was spent at Disneyland. It's funny how much I miss it now that I can't go every day. I was lucky enough to get to enjoy the parks with my mom, my brother, my sister and my niece and nephews. I have to admit, this was the best time I've had visiting my mom. We usually end up getting in some stupid argument where tears are eventually shed, but not this time, and I'm very grateful for that. I love this picture because not only did Nikki take it (she's got a really good eye!), but because of Erica's nice tooth bling, and especially because of Kody's little face sneaking into the shot! Nice job!
You can't tell, but Nikki is riding next to me. It was her fourth time (I think) ever riding Space Mountain, and even though she didn't show it while waiting in line, I could tell she was a little nervous :o) I think she was putting on a brave face, because she was the only little one hanging out with the "big kids". But when we got seated, and the roller coaster started trudging up that hill, she hid her head in my lap and kept it there for pretty much the entire ride. It was cute. And when the ride was over she lifted up her head, showed a big grin and stated, "I did really good this time - I didn't scream once!"
I know it sounds silly, but I was kind of nervous to see the kids. It had been over a year, and even though Erica does a great job of letting them know who "Tia Kika" is, I was still worried that they'd be a little uncomfortable and unfamiliar with me. I was dead wrong. Silas was the one I was most worried about, since I moved to Portland before he was even born, but right when he saw me, he ran into my arms and we spun and spun and spun! All my worries spun right out of my mind, too! Silas was wearing the dorkiest (therefore, cutest) little boots, hoping it would give him enough added height to ride Star Tours, since he's a HUGE Star Wars fan. Alas, he was a hair short. Really, a hair. Like, a millimeter too short and they wouldn't let him ride. Oh well. It's been about a week, so I bet he's tall enough now.
Most of the times I visit California, I enjoy the company, but by the time my vacation is up, I'm ready to go home. This time around, I wanted to stay. Not for California, but to spend more time with my family. It was such a wonderful trip, and every time I go back, I leave a little piece of my heart with them. I wish I could give them my whole heart. I wish they'd all slowly (or quickly) move up to Oregon. But our lives are our lives, and we must follow where they lead us. I hope, though, that our lives soon lead us back to one another, even if it's only for a visit.
Time isn't flying by any faster, and days aren't getting any shorter, yet somehow I feel as if there are never enough hours in the day...
Oh well.
Here are some pictures from my trip to California. It was one of the best trips yet! I had an amazing time with each and every single person I was able to spend time with. I love my family more than words will ever express, and miss them every day, but my life is here in Oregon, and here I will stay, eagerly awaiting family visits :o)
I bought everyone some chocolate mustaches. I hope hope hope everyone enjoyed them!
We went to my Aunt Peggy's house to see her, my Uncle Marv, and of course Grandma. I was a little nervous seeing Grandma because she had been in the hospital only a couple weeks earlier with chest pains. We were worried it was her heart, but when I saw her, she was zipping around like her normal self, and even showed us how to make her world famous peanut brittle! She made the first batch, and Greg took a crack at making the second batch. His turned out pretty good, but you could tell which one was his, and which was Grandma's.
Our first full day in California was spent at Disneyland. It's funny how much I miss it now that I can't go every day. I was lucky enough to get to enjoy the parks with my mom, my brother, my sister and my niece and nephews. I have to admit, this was the best time I've had visiting my mom. We usually end up getting in some stupid argument where tears are eventually shed, but not this time, and I'm very grateful for that. I love this picture because not only did Nikki take it (she's got a really good eye!), but because of Erica's nice tooth bling, and especially because of Kody's little face sneaking into the shot! Nice job!
You can't tell, but Nikki is riding next to me. It was her fourth time (I think) ever riding Space Mountain, and even though she didn't show it while waiting in line, I could tell she was a little nervous :o) I think she was putting on a brave face, because she was the only little one hanging out with the "big kids". But when we got seated, and the roller coaster started trudging up that hill, she hid her head in my lap and kept it there for pretty much the entire ride. It was cute. And when the ride was over she lifted up her head, showed a big grin and stated, "I did really good this time - I didn't scream once!"
I know it sounds silly, but I was kind of nervous to see the kids. It had been over a year, and even though Erica does a great job of letting them know who "Tia Kika" is, I was still worried that they'd be a little uncomfortable and unfamiliar with me. I was dead wrong. Silas was the one I was most worried about, since I moved to Portland before he was even born, but right when he saw me, he ran into my arms and we spun and spun and spun! All my worries spun right out of my mind, too! Silas was wearing the dorkiest (therefore, cutest) little boots, hoping it would give him enough added height to ride Star Tours, since he's a HUGE Star Wars fan. Alas, he was a hair short. Really, a hair. Like, a millimeter too short and they wouldn't let him ride. Oh well. It's been about a week, so I bet he's tall enough now.
Most of the times I visit California, I enjoy the company, but by the time my vacation is up, I'm ready to go home. This time around, I wanted to stay. Not for California, but to spend more time with my family. It was such a wonderful trip, and every time I go back, I leave a little piece of my heart with them. I wish I could give them my whole heart. I wish they'd all slowly (or quickly) move up to Oregon. But our lives are our lives, and we must follow where they lead us. I hope, though, that our lives soon lead us back to one another, even if it's only for a visit.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Free Write Time
Empty.
Wandering within myself, I roam the empty halls.
Give, give, I want to give - thought, idea, knowledge, heart,
but they lose themselves within this vast space inside me.
Force the fervent beings of my core to free themselves and show the world,
my loves, who I am.
Past the humor, past the fun, into the depths of somewhat dark and gloomy patterns that
Give, give, I want to give - thought, idea, knowledge, heart,
but they lose themselves within this vast space inside me.
Force the fervent beings of my core to free themselves and show the world,
my loves, who I am.
Past the humor, past the fun, into the depths of somewhat dark and gloomy patterns that
repeat
repeat
repeat themselves,
creating a vibrant, furious piece of my soul.
Will you hate me?
Will you be scared?
I am.
The emptiness is so heavy, it weighs me down, paralyzing me.
On one end, I sit with the ease of positivity, the carefree choices that have no real meaning,
that give no real life.
creating a vibrant, furious piece of my soul.
Will you hate me?
Will you be scared?
I am.
The emptiness is so heavy, it weighs me down, paralyzing me.
On one end, I sit with the ease of positivity, the carefree choices that have no real meaning,
that give no real life.
These simple moves, these unimportant choices, make up the me you see.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Art Night!
The time has come! Our first gathering of our Art Collective Collaboration Ampersand Awesomeness Organization Group (the name is still in the works)! We meet tonight at my place, which gives me an excuse to clean, cook a meal for friends, and be the awkward hostess that I've never been trained to be. I'm really looking forward to it!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
No Yanks Allowed
I have unofficially joined a camera club. Unofficially because the club is in the UK, and only professional photographers living in the UK can join. Seeing how I am neither a professional photographer nor a resident of the UK (though I wish I was!), I cannot officially join, but I've decided to follow their lead and complete their monthly photo assignments. It's a fun way to play with my camera, practice techniques and strengthen my keen eye (which, right now, is not so keen). I really enjoy having a topic given to me - it helps me stay focued, allowing me to create portfolios that actually tell stories, rather than random hodgepodge images that make the viewer feel like they have ADD. I haven't created a story yet (which shall be told in 6 images), but here are a couple of practice shots. Oh, and the topic this month is macro photography.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Pretty Darn Accurate
I took a personality trait test online today. I have to admit, these results are pretty damn accurate. So, if you want to know what I'm like, have a looksie:
Trait Explanations
Openness
This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer novelty versus convention. Approximately 85% of respondents have a lower openness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is far more intellectually curious and sensitive to beauty than most. You might say that your beliefs are individualistic and frequently drift towards the unconventional, and that you enjoy your imagination and the exciting places it takes you!
Conscientiousness
This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer an organised, or a flexible, approach in life. Approximately 56% of respondents have a lower conscientiousness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is random and fun to be around but that you can plan and persist when life requires it. From your responses it appears that depending on the situation, you can make quick decisions or deliberate for longer if necessary.
Extraversion
This trait refers to the extent to which you enjoy company, and seek excitement and stimulation. Approximately 21% of respondents have a lower extraversion raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who prefers low-key social occasions, with a few close friends. You might say that it's not that you are afraid of large parties; they're just not that fun for you.
Agreeableness
This trait refers to the way you express your opinions and manage relationships. Approximately 58% of respondents have a lower agreeableness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who gets along with people well, especially once they have proved themselves trustworthy to you. Your responses suggest that you do have a healthy scepticism about others' motives, but that doesn't stop you from considering others to be basically honest and decent.
Neuroticism (Emotional stability)
This trait refers to the way you cope with, and respond to, life's demands. Approximately 11% of respondents have a lower neuroticism raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is calm and emotionally stable. Based on your responses, you come across as someone who is rarely bothered by things, and when they do get you down the feeling does not persist for very long.
Jungian Typology Estimate
Research has found that the Big Five personality traits are significantly related to Jungian Typology (e.g. the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator). This is a popular alternative personality framework regularly used for personal development, in which Types are used rather than Traits. Based on your Big Five trait scores, your estimated Type is shown below:
INTJ
Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
INTJs are very analytical individuals. They are more comfortable working alone than with other people, and are not usually as sociable as others, although they are prepared to take the lead if nobody else is up to the task, or they see a major weakness in the current leadership. They tend to be very pragmatic and logical individuals, often with an individualistic bent and a low tolerance for spin or rampant emotionalism. They are also commonly not susceptible to catchphrases and commonly do not recognize authority based on tradition, rank or title. Hallmark features of the INTJ personality type include independence of thought, strong individualism and creativity. Persons with this personality type work best given large amounts of autonomy and creative freedom. They harbour an innate desire to express themselves; that is to be creative by conceptualizing their own intellectual designs. Analyzing and formulating complex theories are among their greatest strengths.
Trait Explanations
Openness
This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer novelty versus convention. Approximately 85% of respondents have a lower openness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is far more intellectually curious and sensitive to beauty than most. You might say that your beliefs are individualistic and frequently drift towards the unconventional, and that you enjoy your imagination and the exciting places it takes you!
Conscientiousness
This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer an organised, or a flexible, approach in life. Approximately 56% of respondents have a lower conscientiousness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is random and fun to be around but that you can plan and persist when life requires it. From your responses it appears that depending on the situation, you can make quick decisions or deliberate for longer if necessary.
Extraversion
This trait refers to the extent to which you enjoy company, and seek excitement and stimulation. Approximately 21% of respondents have a lower extraversion raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who prefers low-key social occasions, with a few close friends. You might say that it's not that you are afraid of large parties; they're just not that fun for you.
Agreeableness
This trait refers to the way you express your opinions and manage relationships. Approximately 58% of respondents have a lower agreeableness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who gets along with people well, especially once they have proved themselves trustworthy to you. Your responses suggest that you do have a healthy scepticism about others' motives, but that doesn't stop you from considering others to be basically honest and decent.
Neuroticism (Emotional stability)
This trait refers to the way you cope with, and respond to, life's demands. Approximately 11% of respondents have a lower neuroticism raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is calm and emotionally stable. Based on your responses, you come across as someone who is rarely bothered by things, and when they do get you down the feeling does not persist for very long.
Jungian Typology Estimate
Research has found that the Big Five personality traits are significantly related to Jungian Typology (e.g. the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator). This is a popular alternative personality framework regularly used for personal development, in which Types are used rather than Traits. Based on your Big Five trait scores, your estimated Type is shown below:
INTJ
Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
INTJs are very analytical individuals. They are more comfortable working alone than with other people, and are not usually as sociable as others, although they are prepared to take the lead if nobody else is up to the task, or they see a major weakness in the current leadership. They tend to be very pragmatic and logical individuals, often with an individualistic bent and a low tolerance for spin or rampant emotionalism. They are also commonly not susceptible to catchphrases and commonly do not recognize authority based on tradition, rank or title. Hallmark features of the INTJ personality type include independence of thought, strong individualism and creativity. Persons with this personality type work best given large amounts of autonomy and creative freedom. They harbour an innate desire to express themselves; that is to be creative by conceptualizing their own intellectual designs. Analyzing and formulating complex theories are among their greatest strengths.
Friday, January 15, 2010
All Grown Up
Back in September, I entered an essay contest. I didn't win. So now I can post it on my blog.
A few days ago my friend told me about an essay contest in a magazine. The challenge is to write about the moment or event that happened in your life that made you feel like you had become a grown-up. It's really got me thinking. What has happened to me that has made me feel "all grown up"? I'm not sure that moment exists. I grow. I learn. I have matured, but am I a grown-up? That seems like an end, a finale. Some days I feel like an adult, and other days it blows my mind that I'm closer to thirty than I am to twenty. One day I will feel accomplished, and the next I will feel lost. All grown up? No. That moment does not exist to me. I am growing. I am an adult. A child's spirit and an old soul both reside inside of me, and both are always learning from the other.
I felt grown up when I had my first "real" boyfriend, then realized how little I knew about love until I met Greg, and I still feel that there will always be more to discover about him and about love.
I felt grown up when I got my first job, but I understood what a true work ethic was years later.
I felt grown up when I stayed strong in front of my father when he was in the hospital having heart surgery, but I felt so little when I broke down once I got back home.
Maybe feeling grown up doesn't come from one pivotal moment. Maybe it reaches us like ocean waves- at times a moment of adulthood will crash into you, and if you don't dive under, immersing your whole self into the wave, it will knock you over. Then at times, maybe the tide is so low that no matter how far you reach out, you can barely reach the water, or you can only test the water with your big toe- too timid to just run in, because the high tide might roll in and overwhelm you (grown up situations can be scary). It ebbs and flows. It comes and goes. Adult. Child. Grown up. Lost. I am all of these. Perhaps it is this understanding- that the title "grown-up" doesn't have to mean I'm done growing- that has made me realize that I actually have become a grown-up.
A few days ago my friend told me about an essay contest in a magazine. The challenge is to write about the moment or event that happened in your life that made you feel like you had become a grown-up. It's really got me thinking. What has happened to me that has made me feel "all grown up"? I'm not sure that moment exists. I grow. I learn. I have matured, but am I a grown-up? That seems like an end, a finale. Some days I feel like an adult, and other days it blows my mind that I'm closer to thirty than I am to twenty. One day I will feel accomplished, and the next I will feel lost. All grown up? No. That moment does not exist to me. I am growing. I am an adult. A child's spirit and an old soul both reside inside of me, and both are always learning from the other.
I felt grown up when I had my first "real" boyfriend, then realized how little I knew about love until I met Greg, and I still feel that there will always be more to discover about him and about love.
I felt grown up when I got my first job, but I understood what a true work ethic was years later.
I felt grown up when I stayed strong in front of my father when he was in the hospital having heart surgery, but I felt so little when I broke down once I got back home.
Maybe feeling grown up doesn't come from one pivotal moment. Maybe it reaches us like ocean waves- at times a moment of adulthood will crash into you, and if you don't dive under, immersing your whole self into the wave, it will knock you over. Then at times, maybe the tide is so low that no matter how far you reach out, you can barely reach the water, or you can only test the water with your big toe- too timid to just run in, because the high tide might roll in and overwhelm you (grown up situations can be scary). It ebbs and flows. It comes and goes. Adult. Child. Grown up. Lost. I am all of these. Perhaps it is this understanding- that the title "grown-up" doesn't have to mean I'm done growing- that has made me realize that I actually have become a grown-up.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Let's Start Now
Yes, yes, a blog entry about New Year's resolutions, how original. I don't care.
For the new year...
> I'm going to do some actual hands on volunteer work. My first step starts on the 12th, with an orientation for working for the Food Bank of Oregon. I hope to give my services to other organizations, the neighborhood, or just another person needing an extra hand. I've been too selfish these past several years, and it's high time I change that.
> The new and improved Monthly Art Projects project starts today! We meet for dinner and submit words and phrases that will hopefully inspire me to create and to be excited about creating. One word or phrase a month will be drawn, and our imaginations take care of the rest! A few of my friends and I tried this last year, and after one really awesome first month, a couple ehh - alright months we faultered and went into total abandonment of the whole thing. It was sad, but we were not fully committed to the projects. This time, I am going to make it a priority in my life. I need to awaken my curiosity in art, and I'm ready to take it seriously.
> I've got a gym membership. I go every once in a while, but I need to make it a habit. I need to crave working out. I need to want to do it. This fat on my ass and belly is making itself a little too at home, and I'm ready to kick it out like the no good squatter it is!
Well, those are the tops. There are a couple other things here and there, but I don't see them as goals for just one year. These are more like little changes and tweaks toward self-improvement that I'm sure I'll be working on for a lifetime. As for now, goals are set. It's in writing. Maybe the three of you that read this can hold me accountable for keeping these resolutions.
Goodbye, 2009. Hello, 2010.
For the new year...
> I'm going to do some actual hands on volunteer work. My first step starts on the 12th, with an orientation for working for the Food Bank of Oregon. I hope to give my services to other organizations, the neighborhood, or just another person needing an extra hand. I've been too selfish these past several years, and it's high time I change that.
> The new and improved Monthly Art Projects project starts today! We meet for dinner and submit words and phrases that will hopefully inspire me to create and to be excited about creating. One word or phrase a month will be drawn, and our imaginations take care of the rest! A few of my friends and I tried this last year, and after one really awesome first month, a couple ehh - alright months we faultered and went into total abandonment of the whole thing. It was sad, but we were not fully committed to the projects. This time, I am going to make it a priority in my life. I need to awaken my curiosity in art, and I'm ready to take it seriously.
> I've got a gym membership. I go every once in a while, but I need to make it a habit. I need to crave working out. I need to want to do it. This fat on my ass and belly is making itself a little too at home, and I'm ready to kick it out like the no good squatter it is!
Well, those are the tops. There are a couple other things here and there, but I don't see them as goals for just one year. These are more like little changes and tweaks toward self-improvement that I'm sure I'll be working on for a lifetime. As for now, goals are set. It's in writing. Maybe the three of you that read this can hold me accountable for keeping these resolutions.
Goodbye, 2009. Hello, 2010.
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