To breed, or not to breed?
That has been the question for myself since my birthday in August. I decided to make this year my year of pondering upon whether or not I want to have a kid. I let Greg know about this, so he can think about it too. I just don't know.
I know that everyone always says, "You're never really ready for a child", and I understand that. If I decide to have a kid, I know I won't truly be ready, but I want to make sure that I am truly certain if I want one at all. I go back and forth, and so far I don't know what my answer is. Well, I've got about eight more months to keep thinking...
This is what I've thought about so far:
I love the fact that Greg and I can ask ourselves "what do we want to do today?" and when we think of something, we just get up and go. I also love my alone time. I'm happy right now. Very happy. Greg and I are in a really good place in our relationship, and do I want to take the chance of rocking the boat with the life changes of having a child? Do we want to change our lives? It's pretty damn good right now. Also, we don't have any family up here, and lots of times, family equals free baby-sitting. I have friends that would probably be willing to baby-sit every now and then, but daycare would definitely be needed if we want to avoid having completely opposite schedules. I don't think I'd like opposite schedules, even if it would only be for a few years, until the kid starts school. God, then school! All the costs, all the decisions, all the scheduling, cleaning, watching, spending, taking care of - it's all a huge load of changes that make my easy life right now seem that much more precious.
I know that all the sacrifices and changes and decisions will be easier to make with an actual baby in my arms. I know I'd do anything for my child, but I also know myself. I know people "change" when they have a kid, but I also believe that a lot of people tell themselves that it's all worth it, because they can't do anything about it - the child is there. It's yours, so you may as well make the best of it and have a positive attitude.
But, when night falls, and the house is finally quiet, and I, the parent, finally has a chance to stop, and breathe...will I be happy with the day I had? Will I be fulfilled? For myself? Will I still feel like I can achieve my own happiness, as my own person? I have a hard enough time trying to reach the small goals I have right now, without a kid. I know that won't be easier with a baby around, and I really have to think about whether or not it's really worth it. That may sound a bit harsh, but what's harsh to me is to have a child for the wrong reasons. The problem I have right now is: what are the right reasons?
The right reasons: the love, the family. Nothing matters more to me than the people I love - my family. When I visit my nieces and nephews, I feel a love and connection with them that is like no other. Having that kind of love with my own child surely can't be a bad thing. I see some of my friends that have kids, and I see how they manage their lives. They care for their kids, and are still able to keep who they are as an adult, separate from being a parent.
But still...
I am happy now. I love and I feel loved now. Do I need to have that extra love? Can I live without it? That's such an unknown. I can't imagine the love I would have for my own child, but it wouldn't replace the love I already have for my nieces and nephews. Love is no doubt a strong word. It's an emotion, an action and so much more, but love is not everything. As idealistic as I'd like to be (because it would make decision making so much easier), I believe that love does NOT conquer all. Realities, effort, hard work, planning, and so many other aspects of being a well rounded human being play a huge role in being able to express and appreciate all that love. Sigh.
I'll just keep thinking.
4 comments:
At one point I didn't want kids. AT ALL. Then I thought, well shoot, I kinda like my life and it would be pretty rad to share it with someone else, from the ground up. So I thought (okay, weeeee thought), maybe adoption. Then I was pretty overtaken with the concept of making and growing a person on the inside, then bringing that person outside my body and helping him/her grow as a person. That was my thought process. And it snowballed. Pregnancy happened. Quickly I might add. Birth was fucking amazing. And then there was River. And we play legos, and go camping, and look for that damned Turtle Joe in the grocery aisles, and every little experience is just so much more richer.
It's not for everyone. But I'll tell you one thing. I wish that more of the rad people of the world would pro-create, letting their bubble of radness extend beyond themselves to our community at large. And I wish that the idiots of the world wouldn't.
love and hugs. Big decision. But you've got time.
kelli
p.s. I'll baby-sit! Magnolia would love to play with a real baby.
I SO respect the fact that you're thinking about this choice throughly & I wish more people would. Too many people have kids without wanting them or thinking about the impact they will have on their lives.
It's certainly not for everyone.
I've pretty much always wanted to be a mother & even I sometimes doubt whether or not I'm making the right decision. I relish the freedom I have. The thought of not being able to travel terrifies me. Then I think of how much more rewarding and amazing it will be to travel w/ my child & show him/her the world & see it through their eyes and I know I'm ready.
If at the end of your self given year you're still confused & undecided, then give it a rest & come back to it later. You're still mighty young in the fertile scheme of things. You have plenty of time to enjoy things just the way they are without making any choices involving creation. :-)
Oh, and I'll def. babysit, if you return the favor & we can split the cost of a sitter, so the 4 of us can go out!
Having children does change your life. But, it is a decision that needs to be yours and Gregs alone. Life does change. Some for the better, some maybe not so much. I have never regretted having four children. They have all brought me joy in their own special way. But on the other side once you have children, they are your children for life and I still stay awake at night sometimes worrying and praying for them.
If you decide not to have children, just know that you are loved so much by me and that I think you are the best thing that ever happended for my son.
There were many years in my 20's where I pondered this same issue. But my biggest hang-up at the time was not trusting that my partner was in it with me, and would be there to help with all the everyday stuff. Where you and Greg are right now; he would totally have your back. It makes a big difference to know you're not doing this all on your own.
My path has been chosen at this point, and no kids are in my future. At 40ish it seems pretty lonely and empty at times, but then my life is very simple in regards to myself at least.
Think hard my friend. You won't be going through this alone, and years down the road the little buggers do wonderful things to return the favor of bringing them into the world. It's a complicated, but good thing.
I'm not good at babysitting. Honestly, it makes me too sad to hold a baby at this point.
Whether you decide to take this leap into parenthood or not, you will always be Krisha, and you have so many people who love you and wouldn't let you forget it!
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