Off

It's been one of those days...

You know, where everything is just...off. Even as I write this, my computer is glitching, showing each letter one keystroke late.

Time to reboot.

...

...

...

Okay, I'm back.

I know everyone has had many of these days. Nothing tragic has happened. Nothing overly dramatic. I'm just off kilter with the rest of my surroundings, and it makes me want to hide.

I wait and wait for an expected call, only for it to come whilst sitting on the toilet, and my phone is juuuuuust out of reach.

I get no texts at all throughout the day, that is, right until I start driving.

Everywhere I need to get to while I'm at work, someone's already standing there, blocking that one spot I need to reach...and they're the only one around.

Each and every red light stops by to say, "Hello, Krisha. Whatcha doing?"

I feel invisible to every car on the road. My turn to go - oh, okay, I guess you can go first. Oh, you too, truck? Well, surely you can see me, my lights are on - oh, hey now, please don't hit me.

It's like I woke up a beat off to the song called "Today", and I've never been able to sync up with the rhythm. It makes me sigh.

Oh, and just as I was about to publish this post, my cat peed on the carpet.

Aaaaaand post.

A Lot Has Changed in Ten Years

2000:



2010:



They're right. The more you are together, the more you start to look alike.

Looking Back

Recently Greg decided to read through almost all of my blog posts. That gave me a great idea: I'm going to copy what he did.

So I did. I read back through all of my posts. Upon doing so, I realized several things:

I've grown. I've become more happy over the past three years of writing on here, and I have become more comfortable in my own skin. Not to say that there isn't A LOT that I can still work on for myself, but self-improvement is a never-ending process. I think if someone can say "I am exactly who I want to be, and I don't need to ever change again," they may need to start back at square one. The world around us is constantly changing. Plants and animals are constantly evolving and adapting to their ever changing environment, so why shouldn't we?

I won't necessarily say that I failed in my efforts to volunteer more. Ok, I failed. I should say it. But that's ok. I wanted to volunteer, so I could give without asking for anything in return. I wanted to do something outside of my little world, because I was feeling like I wasn't making an impact on anyone's life - at times not even my own life. So I went out there, and I looked at a few organizations. I even signed up for the Humane Society - went through all my interviews, orientations and training - and even worked a couple days. But it just wasn't a good fit for me. And while I was making time to volunteer, I was losing time on other aspects of my life that I wanted to work on. Mainly, I wanted (still want) to do more for my family, little gestures, a bigger effort to stay connected with them. Then I thought about the quote (as cheesy as it sounds) "Charity begins at home." My time, my love, my efforts for now (and really always, but not solely), need to go to my family. So I am giving. I am trying. So yes, I did fail in the aspect of traditional volunteering, I will admit that. But in my efforts, I have learned, and I have made helpful discoveries, and that's the best part about failure.

About wanting to cook more. Hmmm....yeah, I do cook more. Do I cook as often as I said I would? No. I had made a small goal for myself, and that was to cook one meal at home every week. I don't really do that. Hell, I forgot that I even wrote about doing that. Bummer. I have learned how to make the most delicious marinated chicken legs ever, though. That's a small accomplishment.

I can say this: I feel good. I like where I am going in my life. I have made changes that I am happy with, and I feel my mistakes and failures have been recognized and accepted with an open mind and humility. I am taking care of myself without feeling guilty or selfish, and that is a pretty big accomplishment for me.

For "You"

It's a strange age we live in - the age where we can communicate through a solely virtual world. All the people that speak to one another through the computer and ONLY the computer. Instead of a handshake or hug, we get a virtual "poke", instead of a smile from a beautiful face - eyes sparkling, fine lines and wrinkles emerging from around our lips and the corners of the eyes, we get a colon and parenthesis. Our walls are down, because our screens are up, and we get to decide how people will see us, because we can backspace, delete, pause and wikipedia our speech. Like a piece of clay, we mold, re-mold, and re-shape our image until it is up to our standards of the "us" we want the virtual world to see.

I'm sure we all twist our worlds a little from time to time, trying to make our day seem more interesting, double-checking our spelling so we don't present ourselves as less knowledgeable as we'd like to believe to be, copying and pasting, cropping, editing, photoshopping and more. But sometimes I think (some more than others) we take advantage of the ability to edit ourselves. When we paint ourselves as the victim, we need to step away from typing about the wrongs which have been bestowed upon us hoping to gain sympathy, and instead we need to lift our hands off the keys, and face no one but ourselves, to learn - and accept - that sometimes, it's our own fault. Sometimes, we aren't trying hard enough. Sometimes, it was us that made the mistake. Sometimes, we fail, and sometimes from these failures, we hurt people we care about.

Sometimes we need to step away from our computers, and fix ourselves - without witnesses. Learn true humility - without documenting every step. Learn to truly cope - without waiting for a comment to say you've done it the right way. Learn to truly try. Learn that it's okay to mess up, and it's okay to not let everyone know what's happening in every second of your life. Learn to stop blaming someone else for something that you can take control of. Stop painting someone else as the bad guy, and learn that sometimes the bad guy is you. Learn that all the online comments in the world will not turn a lie into a truth.

Free Write: Sister

Your voice carries like the wind, bouncing off the buildings, sweeping the leaves of the trees with a gentle push of your sounds.
Carry on.
Carry on.
You showed me beauty in my youth, now I see fear.
But carry on, my dear.
Your beauty, your strength, your need to stand tall.
It's still there.
Carry on.
Carry on, my dear.
Your bruises will fade, your tears will dry. But you alone must stand up and try.
Carry on.
Carry on.
Carry on, my dear.
A gentle push, like your voice to the trees, will not make you fall, nor will it lead you to your dreams. You alone can reach those stars. You alone, your will, your never-ending effort to keep yourself going. Step. Step.
Carry on.
Carry on.
Carry on, my dear.
Do not let your fears quiet your shine, dull out your eyes, keep moving on, fight to get yourself back.
Carry on.