Looking Back

Recently Greg decided to read through almost all of my blog posts. That gave me a great idea: I'm going to copy what he did.

So I did. I read back through all of my posts. Upon doing so, I realized several things:

I've grown. I've become more happy over the past three years of writing on here, and I have become more comfortable in my own skin. Not to say that there isn't A LOT that I can still work on for myself, but self-improvement is a never-ending process. I think if someone can say "I am exactly who I want to be, and I don't need to ever change again," they may need to start back at square one. The world around us is constantly changing. Plants and animals are constantly evolving and adapting to their ever changing environment, so why shouldn't we?

I won't necessarily say that I failed in my efforts to volunteer more. Ok, I failed. I should say it. But that's ok. I wanted to volunteer, so I could give without asking for anything in return. I wanted to do something outside of my little world, because I was feeling like I wasn't making an impact on anyone's life - at times not even my own life. So I went out there, and I looked at a few organizations. I even signed up for the Humane Society - went through all my interviews, orientations and training - and even worked a couple days. But it just wasn't a good fit for me. And while I was making time to volunteer, I was losing time on other aspects of my life that I wanted to work on. Mainly, I wanted (still want) to do more for my family, little gestures, a bigger effort to stay connected with them. Then I thought about the quote (as cheesy as it sounds) "Charity begins at home." My time, my love, my efforts for now (and really always, but not solely), need to go to my family. So I am giving. I am trying. So yes, I did fail in the aspect of traditional volunteering, I will admit that. But in my efforts, I have learned, and I have made helpful discoveries, and that's the best part about failure.

About wanting to cook more. Hmmm....yeah, I do cook more. Do I cook as often as I said I would? No. I had made a small goal for myself, and that was to cook one meal at home every week. I don't really do that. Hell, I forgot that I even wrote about doing that. Bummer. I have learned how to make the most delicious marinated chicken legs ever, though. That's a small accomplishment.

I can say this: I feel good. I like where I am going in my life. I have made changes that I am happy with, and I feel my mistakes and failures have been recognized and accepted with an open mind and humility. I am taking care of myself without feeling guilty or selfish, and that is a pretty big accomplishment for me.

For "You"

It's a strange age we live in - the age where we can communicate through a solely virtual world. All the people that speak to one another through the computer and ONLY the computer. Instead of a handshake or hug, we get a virtual "poke", instead of a smile from a beautiful face - eyes sparkling, fine lines and wrinkles emerging from around our lips and the corners of the eyes, we get a colon and parenthesis. Our walls are down, because our screens are up, and we get to decide how people will see us, because we can backspace, delete, pause and wikipedia our speech. Like a piece of clay, we mold, re-mold, and re-shape our image until it is up to our standards of the "us" we want the virtual world to see.

I'm sure we all twist our worlds a little from time to time, trying to make our day seem more interesting, double-checking our spelling so we don't present ourselves as less knowledgeable as we'd like to believe to be, copying and pasting, cropping, editing, photoshopping and more. But sometimes I think (some more than others) we take advantage of the ability to edit ourselves. When we paint ourselves as the victim, we need to step away from typing about the wrongs which have been bestowed upon us hoping to gain sympathy, and instead we need to lift our hands off the keys, and face no one but ourselves, to learn - and accept - that sometimes, it's our own fault. Sometimes, we aren't trying hard enough. Sometimes, it was us that made the mistake. Sometimes, we fail, and sometimes from these failures, we hurt people we care about.

Sometimes we need to step away from our computers, and fix ourselves - without witnesses. Learn true humility - without documenting every step. Learn to truly cope - without waiting for a comment to say you've done it the right way. Learn to truly try. Learn that it's okay to mess up, and it's okay to not let everyone know what's happening in every second of your life. Learn to stop blaming someone else for something that you can take control of. Stop painting someone else as the bad guy, and learn that sometimes the bad guy is you. Learn that all the online comments in the world will not turn a lie into a truth.

Free Write: Sister

Your voice carries like the wind, bouncing off the buildings, sweeping the leaves of the trees with a gentle push of your sounds.
Carry on.
Carry on.
You showed me beauty in my youth, now I see fear.
But carry on, my dear.
Your beauty, your strength, your need to stand tall.
It's still there.
Carry on.
Carry on, my dear.
Your bruises will fade, your tears will dry. But you alone must stand up and try.
Carry on.
Carry on.
Carry on, my dear.
A gentle push, like your voice to the trees, will not make you fall, nor will it lead you to your dreams. You alone can reach those stars. You alone, your will, your never-ending effort to keep yourself going. Step. Step.
Carry on.
Carry on.
Carry on, my dear.
Do not let your fears quiet your shine, dull out your eyes, keep moving on, fight to get yourself back.
Carry on.

Gracias

It's that wonderful time of year again! The time when we celebrate my hobby: eating!

Ahhh, Thanksgiving, one of my favorite times of the year, where eating until the brink of vomiting is encouraged, and being lazy is welcomed into any home - at least any home I've been in. I am thankful for the gargantuan turkey Greg will prepare in a few hours, thankful for Gina inviting us into her home for the holiday, and thankful for so much more! So, in keeping with this grand holiday tradition of giving thanks (we'll ignore all the sad parts with the Native Americans getting screwed), I'd like to list a few things that I am so very grateful for...

Family:

- Of course, familia. Numero uno in my book. I forget to call, I move hours and hours and hours away, I don't write, I rarely send little gifts or notes to simply state "I'm thinking of you, and I love you". I'm pretty bad at keeping in touch actually, but THEY STILL LOVE ME. This I know. No matter how much time or distance, my family will always be the love of my life. My brother and sister are the best people in the world, and without them in my life, I would be broken. My father has sacrificed more than I will ever know to keep me safe, with a roof over my head, food in my mouth, and as happy as I could be, even through our most troubling times. My mom...she is a special one, shall we say? For all the tears and heartbreak, I still know that no one on this earth will ever love me more than she does, and one day I hope we will both know how to share this love with each other to the best of our abilities. Let's not forget all the rest: aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, nieces and nephews - they are ALL important to me. Whether is was early on in my life, with my older cousins watching over me and playing with me, or more recent with new babies and milestones, there's a cherished memory with each family member - all 1,000 of them ;o)

- Getting a little more specific: I am thankful that my sister never stops letting her kids know who I am. I breaks my heart some days, being so far from my niece and nephews, but my sister is so good at telling those kids who I am, and how much I love them. I hope that one day I will be just as good at letting them know myself, but for now, I am so grateful that when I do get to see them, they run to me with open arms and without hesitation.

- Let's not forget Greg. I love him for who he is. He loves me for who I am. If there's ever a rough moment for us, we keep trying, instead of giving up, and we truly respect one another. There are always other fish in the sea, but every day, I choose him and he chooses me. It's as simple as that. Go rugby team.

- My friends in Oregon. It took me a while to get adjusted to living so far away from who and what I knew. I've made some pretty phenomenal friends along the way. Gina, Brook and Eek - I am thankful for the crazy little family we've created up here. I'd be lost without you girls.

- My cat. Call me a crazy cat lady, but Edgar is my baby. Seventeen years - over half of my life - this fuzzy little fatty has been a with me. This morning, I threw a blanket over my shoulders, scooped Edgar up into my arms, went downstairs and shared a quiet cuddly moment. We have a lot of these moments, and I am thankful for every single one.

- Bacon. I will always be grateful for bacon. Not only does it taste DELICIOUS, but it has become a topic of conversation between me and so many people. They know me for bacon. It's a good ice-breaker.

- My job. Despite all the growing corporate drama, I love my job. I am thankful to have one at all. But seriously, I get to draw for a living. Granted, I don't get to be as creative as I want to be, nor do I get to show "my" style, but I get to use paint, and markers and sometimes even glitter spray, and that's pretty rad. Besides, if I got to show my own style, the store would be filled with dancing poop, blood & guts, and way more sarcastic bullet points - probably not the best marketing.

- I am thankful for the desire to never stop creating. Now I've got to work on the actual drive, but that want is still there, and with as many times as I've ignored this desire to draw, write, paint, act, whatever it may be, that tiny little flame to be imaginative hasn't died out.

- I am thankful for my silliness. I like poop jokes. I laugh when I fart, or when anyone farts for that matter. Call me juvenile, or call me immature. I will always dance goofy, talk in weird voices, and giggle at inappropriate times.


Well, that's my list. There's a lot more to be thankful for, but if I listed it all, this post would never end. Every day I find something to be thankful for. Every healthy day my grandmother has, I am grateful. Every day that goes by where my cat doesn't have a seizure, I give thanks. Every shining moment in life - be it grand (like being able to take a great vacation - next up: Ireland) or small (There's a can of crab in my fridge with my name all over it!) I am truly grateful for all of it. Life can really suck sometimes, and if we don't recognize all the little moments of greatness, it can break us. I hope to always try and find every little moment in life that reminds me to give thanks.

It Was Easier When I Was Sad

So I have no real worries. Nothing out of the ordinary. Paying bills, cleaning the house, eating healthy meals, staying active.

Ho hum.

Ordinary.

Just another ordinary day.

Ordinary days does not the inspiring writer make. Pain and grief paint such a deeper picture. More nuances, more details that people want to read about. More strength.

More strength? Really?

Expressing sadness, describing - living drama takes more strength than happiness?

Sadness takes more strength than happiness? Yes.

Writing about sadness takes more strength than happiness? No.

It's hard to try to share my life in words when I am happy. I feel as though I'm either boring people to death, or that I'm bragging. No one likes a bragger. People seem to connect and attach to others more when they share the hardships and negativity in their lives. Try to share some positive news? They look like they want to punch you in the face.

I don't want to brag. I don't want to report. I just want to be creative.

Free Write: WTF

Pickle parts of post-it notes can trap a monkey's pet poodle.

Try to practice writing every day to stretchh your imagination button.

Clicky-clack-clack poncho heavy heaving gusts of cheese.

China cracks down on pigmy pancake socials.

Shanking cholas for her shoes.

Crazy days of hazy lazy pests of chicken drool.

sheep shave down on shower times to help the world stay green.

Good for gravy boats when sticky situations ask for captains of the mushroom seas.

Casts of Facts of Life stay in their agoraphobic states so congress can work.

Thank heavens for red bloody meat.

Simple strokes of keyboard keys to make my mind feel less like mashed potatoes.

Someday I can try to make a legitimate mark on life.

Cycle drives to make me fit, but cars keep my ass squishy.

Shakespeare

To breed, or not to breed?

That has been the question for myself since my birthday in August. I decided to make this year my year of pondering upon whether or not I want to have a kid. I let Greg know about this, so he can think about it too. I just don't know.

I know that everyone always says, "You're never really ready for a child", and I understand that. If I decide to have a kid, I know I won't truly be ready, but I want to make sure that I am truly certain if I want one at all. I go back and forth, and so far I don't know what my answer is. Well, I've got about eight more months to keep thinking...

This is what I've thought about so far:

I love the fact that Greg and I can ask ourselves "what do we want to do today?" and when we think of something, we just get up and go. I also love my alone time. I'm happy right now. Very happy. Greg and I are in a really good place in our relationship, and do I want to take the chance of rocking the boat with the life changes of having a child? Do we want to change our lives? It's pretty damn good right now. Also, we don't have any family up here, and lots of times, family equals free baby-sitting. I have friends that would probably be willing to baby-sit every now and then, but daycare would definitely be needed if we want to avoid having completely opposite schedules. I don't think I'd like opposite schedules, even if it would only be for a few years, until the kid starts school. God, then school! All the costs, all the decisions, all the scheduling, cleaning, watching, spending, taking care of - it's all a huge load of changes that make my easy life right now seem that much more precious.

I know that all the sacrifices and changes and decisions will be easier to make with an actual baby in my arms. I know I'd do anything for my child, but I also know myself. I know people "change" when they have a kid, but I also believe that a lot of people tell themselves that it's all worth it, because they can't do anything about it - the child is there. It's yours, so you may as well make the best of it and have a positive attitude.

But, when night falls, and the house is finally quiet, and I, the parent, finally has a chance to stop, and breathe...will I be happy with the day I had? Will I be fulfilled? For myself? Will I still feel like I can achieve my own happiness, as my own person? I have a hard enough time trying to reach the small goals I have right now, without a kid. I know that won't be easier with a baby around, and I really have to think about whether or not it's really worth it. That may sound a bit harsh, but what's harsh to me is to have a child for the wrong reasons. The problem I have right now is: what are the right reasons?

The right reasons: the love, the family. Nothing matters more to me than the people I love - my family. When I visit my nieces and nephews, I feel a love and connection with them that is like no other. Having that kind of love with my own child surely can't be a bad thing. I see some of my friends that have kids, and I see how they manage their lives. They care for their kids, and are still able to keep who they are as an adult, separate from being a parent.

But still...

I am happy now. I love and I feel loved now. Do I need to have that extra love? Can I live without it? That's such an unknown. I can't imagine the love I would have for my own child, but it wouldn't replace the love I already have for my nieces and nephews. Love is no doubt a strong word. It's an emotion, an action and so much more, but love is not everything. As idealistic as I'd like to be (because it would make decision making so much easier), I believe that love does NOT conquer all. Realities, effort, hard work, planning, and so many other aspects of being a well rounded human being play a huge role in being able to express and appreciate all that love. Sigh.

I'll just keep thinking.