I'm finding it difficult to part ways with the ever social butterfly life. I want it, and I miss it, but at the same time, I don't seem to be pursuing it anymore. I know I'm young. I know I have so much more life- in the way of late nights, dancing, loud socializing and the likes- inside of me. But I need to work on my inner self. I need to work on the silence. Inside I am restless, and not because I want to go out and go crazy, but because I want to find a sort of comfort and serenity that is yet to really be discovered. I need to rediscover peace within myself. I need to find assuredness, calmness, and acceptance within myself. I need to learn to be comfortable with myself again. I've grown distant from myself, and my true desire is to hang out with me - and to enjoy it.
I know walking away from some and distancing myself from others (even if it's not forever) may come back to haunt me, and when I return from this...I'll call it self-reflective journey, there may not be as many there for me to come back to. Still, I need to do this. I've spent too much time being worried about other's schedules, other's timing, and everyone else's pace of life to the point of neglecting my own pace and schedule. I've been living by everyone else's watch, and I need to learn to be okay with doing things for myself, without as much regard to other's schedules as I've given in the past.
That's all.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
falling loveliness
I love that my rain boots can be considered "normal" footwear. I've missed the rain. I welcome the rain. The green I love cannot be without the storms, so I embrace it, I smile when the drops hit my cheeks, and I can't help but jump in the puddles.
The only downside to my rainboots...they've got holes. Christmas present?
Friday, November 13, 2009
Musical
You know the song from My Fair Lady, "I feel Pretty"? Well, if you take the prettiness of that song, add four gaping, throbbing holes into it's mouth, make it's brain mushier than the food it can chew, add about a week and a half's worth of leg hair, ashy skin, greasy hair on the head, a face that's getting paler by the minute, one or two fresh scabs from stubborn pimples and throw in a few new dimples on an ass from doing nothing but watching TV for a week, then you have how I feel.
...oh so pretty.
...oh so pretty.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Easy Livin'
I get my wisdom teeth pulled out tomorrow.
I've realized that I've never had anything even slightly major ever done, medically speaking. Well, there was that one time where they pumped my stomach, but that wasn't too bad. The worst injury I've ever had was probably when I sprained my arm at Chuck E. Cheese's when I was about five. I'm kind of bummed, actually, that I've never worn a cast or had crutches or stitches.
I'm just asking for trouble, aren't I?
I've realized that I've never had anything even slightly major ever done, medically speaking. Well, there was that one time where they pumped my stomach, but that wasn't too bad. The worst injury I've ever had was probably when I sprained my arm at Chuck E. Cheese's when I was about five. I'm kind of bummed, actually, that I've never worn a cast or had crutches or stitches.
I'm just asking for trouble, aren't I?
Sunday, October 25, 2009
They Exist
Hello.
I've been writing. Just not on here. I've been keeping to my goal of writing or sketching at night. Some nights I turn out the lights, lie in bed, set my laptop on my lap (appropriately so), close my eyes and let my fingers go to work. So often at night, my mind cannot settle down. It runs and runs, and seeing how my head is so tiny, it doesn't have very much space in which to run around, so I lengthen the trail from my brain to my fingertips, with an exit out to my computer.
So where are they?
I'm glad you asked. They're saved in a documents file, waiting to be cleaned up- writing in the dark is an invitation for misspellings and incoherent rambling. Plus, some very open and vulnerable stuff comes out at night, and I'm a little hesitant to share it all out in the judgemental blogosphere. I know this blog is for honest entries, but let's face it, it's still the Internet. I do have some parts of me that I'd like to keep to myself. Call it selfish, call me scared, it's my blog and I can do what I want, so take that.
I've been writing. Just not on here. I've been keeping to my goal of writing or sketching at night. Some nights I turn out the lights, lie in bed, set my laptop on my lap (appropriately so), close my eyes and let my fingers go to work. So often at night, my mind cannot settle down. It runs and runs, and seeing how my head is so tiny, it doesn't have very much space in which to run around, so I lengthen the trail from my brain to my fingertips, with an exit out to my computer.
So where are they?
I'm glad you asked. They're saved in a documents file, waiting to be cleaned up- writing in the dark is an invitation for misspellings and incoherent rambling. Plus, some very open and vulnerable stuff comes out at night, and I'm a little hesitant to share it all out in the judgemental blogosphere. I know this blog is for honest entries, but let's face it, it's still the Internet. I do have some parts of me that I'd like to keep to myself. Call it selfish, call me scared, it's my blog and I can do what I want, so take that.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
A Good Idea
Despite the lack of updates, I am constantly on my blog page. Doing what, you may ask? Oh, just staring mostly. Maybe hoping a new entry magically appeared, drenched in cheeky prose and riddled with fancy adjectives. Alas, every time I check, it's still the same last entry. Magic my ass.
Ok, so I probably shouldn't blame my lack of magical abilities, but more so my drive and focus. I need to be more disciplined. So I have an idea. Actually, I'm stealing an idea from Amy Earles. She's an artist who's work I've bought, who's blog I read, and who's artistic drive I really admire. She usually has a sketch pad by her bedside, and draws before she goes to bed. Great idea. I usually read before I go to bed, but now writing (and drawing) will be my new nighttime activity. Feel free to steal what I've stolen, and tweak it to fit your own needs.
Ok, so I probably shouldn't blame my lack of magical abilities, but more so my drive and focus. I need to be more disciplined. So I have an idea. Actually, I'm stealing an idea from Amy Earles. She's an artist who's work I've bought, who's blog I read, and who's artistic drive I really admire. She usually has a sketch pad by her bedside, and draws before she goes to bed. Great idea. I usually read before I go to bed, but now writing (and drawing) will be my new nighttime activity. Feel free to steal what I've stolen, and tweak it to fit your own needs.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Today...
Today...
> I feel like I'm high on something. I've been in a fog all day long- zoning out, stopping in mid-sentence. It's like my mind and my body are going in opposite directions.
> I couldn't relax during my chiropractic massage until Katherine did some wacky positional release movement on my neck. The relief I felt was so intense, I felt as if I had just finished having a huge sob session, and was ready to just curl up into a blanket and sleep.
> I had to draw a scene that included a giant tub of Greek yogurt. I didn't like what I drew, and I'm probably going to scrap the whole thing. I couldn't think of anything inspiring, and while I was trying to brainstorm,images of chickens kept creeping into my head. I wanted to draw chickens.
> I didn't draw any chickens.
> I feel like the sky looks like a blank piece of recycled paper, and I like it. It's like someone drew me, my house, and my street, and nothing else exists. If I travel outside of my 8 1/2 by 11 inch world, I'll fall into oblivion. It's my own little isolated world, and today, that makes me feel peaceful.
> I enjoyed my lunch outside in the rain.
> there was a man in the waiting area of my chiropractor's office. He kept flirting with the receptionist and it was making her feel uncomfortable. Then he started flirting with the clinic's masseuse. She felt uncomfortable, too. All of this was making me feel uncomfortable.
> I felt kind of frumpy when I realized that the guy in the office was not going to flirt with me.
> my pants are too big, and my shirt is too tight.
> I'm really craving crab, or sushi.
> I've had "The Wind" by Cat Stevens stuck in my head all day long. It makes me want to play the guitar better.
> I've noticed my breathing more than on other days.
> Chickens are pecking their way back into my brain. I think I should draw some chickens.
> I feel like I'm high on something. I've been in a fog all day long- zoning out, stopping in mid-sentence. It's like my mind and my body are going in opposite directions.
> I couldn't relax during my chiropractic massage until Katherine did some wacky positional release movement on my neck. The relief I felt was so intense, I felt as if I had just finished having a huge sob session, and was ready to just curl up into a blanket and sleep.
> I had to draw a scene that included a giant tub of Greek yogurt. I didn't like what I drew, and I'm probably going to scrap the whole thing. I couldn't think of anything inspiring, and while I was trying to brainstorm,images of chickens kept creeping into my head. I wanted to draw chickens.
> I didn't draw any chickens.
> I feel like the sky looks like a blank piece of recycled paper, and I like it. It's like someone drew me, my house, and my street, and nothing else exists. If I travel outside of my 8 1/2 by 11 inch world, I'll fall into oblivion. It's my own little isolated world, and today, that makes me feel peaceful.
> I enjoyed my lunch outside in the rain.
> there was a man in the waiting area of my chiropractor's office. He kept flirting with the receptionist and it was making her feel uncomfortable. Then he started flirting with the clinic's masseuse. She felt uncomfortable, too. All of this was making me feel uncomfortable.
> I felt kind of frumpy when I realized that the guy in the office was not going to flirt with me.
> my pants are too big, and my shirt is too tight.
> I'm really craving crab, or sushi.
> I've had "The Wind" by Cat Stevens stuck in my head all day long. It makes me want to play the guitar better.
> I've noticed my breathing more than on other days.
> Chickens are pecking their way back into my brain. I think I should draw some chickens.
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