Exercise for the Fingers, Wrist and Soul

Sketchbook Update

2012-01-27T11:46:00.001-08:00

I am done.

I need to mail this out asap.

But I am going to charge my camera and take a few photos first.

I promise.

Sketchbook Update(ish) #2

2011-12-15T17:49:00.000-08:00

Oh, how I am the silly little monkey.

This is why I took on this sketchbook project - to follow through on something. To FINISH something. I have worked on it, I swear. Just not that much...

But I'd like to say that I have been working on art projects. I just can't say too much about them, because they are meant to be gifts for Christmas. That's positive.

It's always little lazy excuses for not updating you on my sketchbook project. The sheepish excuse I'm using right now: "I need to use my real camera instead of the camera on my phone to take a picture of the book, and that means I have to find my usb cord, upload the photos onto my computer, sift through the photos that are already on there (which means I'm going to get distracted) and then I can post a photo onto my blog...but it's already dark, and I'm not going to get a good shot with this lighting."

Is this normal???

Do other people make these lame excuses to not do SIMPLE tasks?

It's like a Lego has been placed in front of me, and I think, "Holy crap look at that wall! I'm never going to be able to climb over that! I may as well sit down and have some tea." And I do. Sit. But without the tea, because that's all the way in the kitchen, and I have to heat up the water...

What is wrong with me?

There are so many days that I just sit and stop. Stop working, stop moving, everything...stops. Except for my mind. And my self criticism.

Maybe I should see a shrink...

Sketchbook Update #1

2011-11-07T19:26:00.000-08:00

Howdy,

As promised, an update on my Sketchbook Project.

Remember, the theme I was given was monochromatic. So, using a gauche wash (ha, that's pronounced "gwash wash") I painted each page a different color. I decided to keep it light and a little uneven, giving it a slight watercolor effect. And....

that's all I've done.

That's alright, though. This was the most tedious part of the project, lots of painting and waiting, with some hair dryer action during my impatient periods. But it's all done now, and I'm really happy that this part is finished. I haven't taken any photos yet, but I will.

The next step is going to be fun: doodling! I'm going to let my imagination run wild with this part, so stay tuned...

Hey! I Have a Reason to Update!

2011-10-27T19:03:00.000-07:00

Look at that title! I'm actually doing something interesting enough to me that's worthy of blogging! How about that?

This is what it is...

http://www.arthousecoop.com/projects/sketchbookproject

Did you click on it? Not yet? Okay. I'll tell you about it. It's called The Sketchbook Project. I will be one of thousands participating in filling up a sketchbook for the Brooklyn Art Library. We can do whatever we want. It's all about showcasing our process as an artist - how we form ideas, what flows from our brains, and just an expression of ourselves. When we're done, we mail our sketchbook to the Brooklyn Art Library. Then the books will tour the country, and maybe even other parts of the world. Pretty cool, huh?

Now for the nail-biting stuff (at least to me). Each sketchbook has a sticker on the back cover containing the owner's name and a bar code. During the tour, the books will be scanned, keeping track of each and every time your sketchbook is looked at. I'll get an email whenever anyone looks at my book...

what if I don't get any emails? Ick. I'm not sure I like this tracking process. Can't I just fill up my book, send it back, and know I have something somewhere? I'll be satisfied with that.

When all is said and done, the sketchbooks will go back to the Brooklyn Art Library, where they will be archived and stay there (in low echoing voice) FOREVER.

I'm really excited about this project. Oh! I forgot to mention that we got themes to help us find a direction to go with our sketchbook. We were able to pick from a list of themes, or let the computer randomly decide for us. Since I am the most indecisive person I know, I let the computer choose my fate, and it selected "monochromatic". I'm actually happy with that. I already have a few ideas. I really need to stop thinking of ideas because, as I said before, I am indecisive.

Okay, brain...pick an idea...aaaaaaand...done. Idea settled on. Not changing. Nope. It's set.

But I'm not telling you what it is. Not just yet.

So, for my next several blog posts (yes, I will update!) I think I will let you know about my progress, and offer up little sneak peaks. Since I won't be getting my sketchbook back when I'm done, I figure it'll be a good idea to document it all and maybe photograph the finished product.

Woohoo! I'm doing something! Something exciting! Something creative! Something for me!

I Like Quotation Marks

2011-07-27T22:20:00.000-07:00

Trying to find my way.

There is so much in me that wants to write. But I don't take these desires seriously. I say to myself, "You're creative, just write. You don't need to make notes, do drafts or outlines. Just write."

But it doesn't work that way. I am not an incredible writer. I can be. But I need to take it more seriously. I need to practice. I need to put actual effort and thought into the process, rather than just "let my feelings flow and allow my fingers to do the talking..."

...blah, blah, blah. That is just a bunch of malarkey.

I can do this. I can become a better writer. I can become a better anything if I actually practice and work at the desired skill.

I'm not there. I am far from there, and I don't think I will ever truly reach "there". There is no end to improvement. There is an end, however, when you quit. And that's not what I want to do.

2011-06-24T14:05:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time, I know.

But I don't feel like writing.

So much is going on, but what's plaguing my mind right now are not my stories to tell.

I'll get back to this, in time.

I Like Me, but I Like You More

2011-04-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

Trying new things scares me. I try to convince myself that staying in a state of comfort and contentment is a good thing. But I know this is not true. I get scared to dive (or even tip-toe) into new endeavors, so I don't try.

No es bueno.

In my attempts to get out of my comfort zone, I have agreed to help a dear friend with a school project. She is taking a children's literature class, and for her final, she needs to create a children's book. My part in this project is to illustrate it.

Yikes.

The past six years of having the title of ARTIST for my occupation would make you think that I'm absolutely bonkers for feeling nervous about illustrating a children's book. But I can't help it, these types of things freak me out. It's one thing to draw endless amounts of food and silly grocery-related images that, for me, hold no emotional attachment. It's become almost an assembly line of sorts, one sign after another, after another, after another - albeit, a fun assembly line. But I don't create these signs for me, nor do I make them for friends and loved ones. I do it for "the man", how he wants it, and I say "ok". That's alright - it's not going in my house.

To take on a project that matters to someone important to me...that's another story, and I don't want to let them down.

But that's why I'm doing it. It forces me to really take pride in the project, to focus, and to use my own imagination. Nothing motivates me more than making sure I'm not letting someone else down.

One of these days, I will mean as much to me as the people I care about. I will care enough to not want to let myself down. One of these days I'll work on projects for myself, because they will help me grow and learn. It's not going to happen today, though. But to tackle this project is the first step to telling myself, "Hi there. I love you."

Your Orneriness Makes Me Giggle...JAZZ HANDS!!

2011-03-20T22:49:00.001-07:00

I get a certain feeling of satisfaction when I'm in a good mood while everyone else around me is cranky. When one person is in a foul mood, I tend to think, "Hmm, what's their problem?" or, "Okay, I'll stay away from them." But, when it seems like everyone around me is a total cranky-pants, I get a little giddy...

...is that wrong?

You:

I hate you

Me:

Hahahaha! That's great! So great! Life is great!

You:

WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY?!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!! DIE! DIE! DIE!!!

Me:

Heh. I like you. You make me happy. *Hugs*

Dancing. Dancing makes them more mad, too. Especially when I stare right at them, ear-to-ear grin on my face, lots of arm pumping, and quick jig-like prancing. End it with jazz hands. Yeah...jazz hands.

Perspective

2011-03-17T19:06:00.000-07:00

I've been paying a lot of attention to all the recent devastating events around the world. It's heartbreaking, unnerving, eye-opening, and humbling. It takes my everyday life and makes it feel so small and insignificant, yet so precious and safe at the same time.

I love my family.
I love my husband.
I love my friends.
I love my cat.

I am thankful for the job I have, the roof over my head, the easy access to food, medicine, and everything else that I take for granted and makes me sometimes forget how lucky I am.

But there's always Gary Numan in the Background

2011-02-22T18:34:00.001-08:00

I've been in a very introspective mood lately. Lots of thinking, little action. I've been thinking of all sorts of things - probably too many to tie into a tidy little blog post, though. Maybe this is a good time for a list. A "Krisha's Thoughts" List. Hmmm...yep. We'll do that.

** I've still been doing a lot of the "should we/shouldn't we" have a baby thinking. So far, I am still completely lost as to what I really want to do.

- Sub-thoughts for this:
**A part of me feels selfish for actually having a baby, but a part of me feels selfish for not having one.
**I've read several articles on how the number of couples choosing to not have kids is on the rise. I agree wholeheartedly with a lot of their reasons for not having one - they made so much sense to me, yet they also made me feel somewhat sad.
**I find myself looking at cute kids a lot. I also find myself cringing at kids misbehaving, or kids with an excessive amount of drool or snot on them.
**Condoms are easier to change than diapers, and a pill is easier to swallow than hospital bills and the cost of an education.

Ok, more thoughts:

**I made a decision a while back to donate my hair again. My hair is getting quite long, but ten inches (the minimun donation length) is a lot of hair, and if I cut it now, my hair will be REALLY short, which is not a flattering length on me. I want to cut my hair RIGHT NOW, to a desired length, but I'm resisting. I feel unpleasantly plain and boiring with this long hair, but I feel pretty damn vain for wanting to cut it before I can donate it. The fact that this matter is even occupying my limited brain capacity makes me feel silly.

**I wish Edgar knew how to go to the bathroom in the toilet. His ability to do that would save me so much time, money and unanticipated gagging.

**I don't feel like I've done anything really exciting in the past couple of months. I'm itching to step out of my comfort zone and do something out of my norm, but then I start to worry about how much a new endeavor will cost. I don't like how I always worry about money.

**Greg is going to start a new endeavor, and I'm really excited for him! He is going to get professional training for music production, in a real working studio. I'm glad he's doing something that involves music, which is something that he has always, and will always love. I'm a little jealous, though, because I wish I new what it is that I love to do. It makes me think of what that could be. Regardless of my own lost path right now, I am 1000% behind his decision, and support him all the way.

**I have finally learned to keep my bedroom clean! Small feat of accomplishment for some people, but for Greg and myself, this is up there with surviving the sinking of the Titanic or finding the image of the Virgin Mary in your Cheerios type of miracle. Now I desperately long to actually decorate it so I can stop feeling like I sleep inside of a giant avocado (slight paint selection error on my part, but with some clever decor, I think I can make it work).

**I really wish I had coconut fruit bars in the freezer right now. Or Dippin' Dots! I LOVE that ice cream of the future! I know people knock it, but it just feels so cool (no pun intended)in my mouth. (I know this thought is not very deep, but it's my thought. They're not all winners.)

**For the past two nights I have been feeding my brain with pleasant images before I go to sleep, to see if I'll dream about them...AND I HAVE. For now, I will see this as a coincidence, but if it happens a third - no, let's say a fourth time in a row, you'll have to admit that that's pretty fucking cool.

**With the help of my very good friend, Brook, I have made my very first plushie! I'm currently in the process of finishing two more, so I can give them to my niece and nephews when I visit California. I'm actually having fun with it. I have a lot yet to learn, but I already have ideas for another one. I'll post pictures when I'm done with all of them. Although I like making them (so far), I don't want to feel like I'm copying a craft that my friend has sort of made a niche for. She's the original plushie queen, and I don't want to feel like a copy-cat.

Well, there you have it. The innards of my brain. I've left out the smaller thoughts of "I'm gassy - ooh, bacon - I'm sleepy - I'm hungry - what's that smell - mmm, bacon", but those are usually always streaming in my mind. Those thoughts and the constant streaming of the song "Cars" by Gary Numan...

"'Here in my car
I feel safest of all
I can lock all my doors
It's the only way to live
In cars (doo-do doo-do. doo-do doo-do)"

Gary Numan Pictures

AADD

2011-02-03T21:18:00.001-08:00

I have AADD

That's Artist's Attention Deficit Disorder.

I walked into Collage yesterday, where I immediately transformed into a kid in a candy store, or- more accurately- an artist in an art store.

Actually, the more appropriate description would be the starving artist in the art store.

In my dream home, I would have a room that looked like Collage. Every tool imaginable for any craft or artform that exists, all at my fingertips! What do I want to do today? Jewelery making? Ok! How about playing with stamps, or metal, or wood-carving, felt, watercolor, clay, EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING!

Sigh.

But I had $15 to spend, and all the smart-shopping in the world would not prepare me to buy all the goodies I desire with $15 dollars.

So I roamed the store, craft table to craft table...what do I want to work on?

I seem to start about a million projects, and finish none. I can't seem to stick to one medium long enough to see anything through, and that, my friends, is discouraging.

I've got some surprises in the works. Something I've never tried before, so I have a dear friend showing me the ropes. Fingers crossed, let's hope I don't suck, and let's hope even more that I don't give up. Because giving up sucks. I know. I give up on things a lot.

I mean A LOT.

It sucks.

Can you tell that I'm in a sort of rut?

It kind of sucks.

Aunt Ilse

2011-01-08T20:51:00.000-08:00

Aunt Ilse and Dad:

I wouldn't have the job I have (and love) without her. I wouldn't have the love of simple, antiquated Victorian treasures, and I wouldn't still have the belief (even if during my adult years it's only slight) that dolls and teddy bears come to life when no one's there to see them, if I didn't have her in my life. I never knew her for the full woman that she was, only as my Aunt Ilse who loved me despite the time and space between visits, and who never let me leave her home without a dolly or bear under my arm.

I always felt so close to her, though never admitted it to anyone else in the family. She taught me how to write calligraphy, and with that, she helped me develop a skill and respect for lettering, which I now use everyday for a living. Through her avid doll and teddy bear collecting, she showed me that even if you have a rare and sought-after item, it's usually the most simple piece that is valued the most, even if it's by no one but yourself, because it has sentimental value. And from her I inherited the habit of constantly re-heating food because it starts to get too cool for your liking - I'm with you on that, Aunt Ilse.

As would be expected, I am sad to know that my Aunt Ilse is no longer with us - I have shed my tears. But I also feel a sense of peace, knowing that she is no longer suffering, no longer lost in a world within her mind that has long since abandoned her. She gets to be free from her ailing body, and I'm sure wherever she is, Uncle Hank is waiting for her with a hug and witty little joke.

My dolls and teddy bears have long been donated and sold at garage sales, except those she gave me (and a few others that hold sentimental value). And just like these precious toys that I will never part with, so too shall the love I have for her stay forever in my heart.

Another New Year Post

2011-01-01T11:50:00.000-08:00

A new year.

A new day.

A new start.

What do I want to do?

More.

That is my New Year's resolution. More.

Every year I make specific resolutions, and by the end of the year some of those goals don't seem so important anymore. A lot can change in a year. Focus and priorities shift, and discoveries are made to make me reconsider what is important to me at that moment in time. As I let go of some of these resolutions, I get upset with myself, because I feel as though I am giving up or failing. I also hesitate to do something else, or set a different goal, because I feel I should stick to my original goals, for the principal of the matter. I hem and haw, hesitate and pause, and find that a year has gone by and I haven't done, seen, or been nearly enough that I wanted to do, see and be. So all I can say to myself is that whatever path I choose to take, whatever new plans I choose to make, and dreams I grab onto, I will do more with them. And if it all changes in a day, I will be okay, as long as I keep moving, and doing more.

I will do more.

I will love more.

I will be more.

Off

2010-12-28T16:01:00.000-08:00

It's been one of those days...

You know, where everything is just...off. Even as I write this, my computer is glitching, showing each letter one keystroke late.

Time to reboot.

...

...

...

Okay, I'm back.

I know everyone has had many of these days. Nothing tragic has happened. Nothing overly dramatic. I'm just off kilter with the rest of my surroundings, and it makes me want to hide.

I wait and wait for an expected call, only for it to come whilst sitting on the toilet, and my phone is juuuuuust out of reach.

I get no texts at all throughout the day, that is, right until I start driving.

Everywhere I need to get to while I'm at work, someone's already standing there, blocking that one spot I need to reach...and they're the only one around.

Each and every red light stops by to say, "Hello, Krisha. Whatcha doing?"

I feel invisible to every car on the road. My turn to go - oh, okay, I guess you can go first. Oh, you too, truck? Well, surely you can see me, my lights are on - oh, hey now, please don't hit me.

It's like I woke up a beat off to the song called "Today", and I've never been able to sync up with the rhythm. It makes me sigh.

Oh, and just as I was about to publish this post, my cat peed on the carpet.

Aaaaaand post.

A Lot Has Changed in Ten Years

2010-12-18T14:23:00.001-08:00

2000:

2010:

They're right. The more you are together, the more you start to look alike.

Looking Back

2010-12-17T09:52:00.000-08:00

Recently Greg decided to read through almost all of my blog posts. That gave me a great idea: I'm going to copy what he did.

So I did. I read back through all of my posts. Upon doing so, I realized several things:

I've grown. I've become more happy over the past three years of writing on here, and I have become more comfortable in my own skin. Not to say that there isn't A LOT that I can still work on for myself, but self-improvement is a never-ending process. I think if someone can say "I am exactly who I want to be, and I don't need to ever change again," they may need to start back at square one. The world around us is constantly changing. Plants and animals are constantly evolving and adapting to their ever changing environment, so why shouldn't we?

I won't necessarily say that I failed in my efforts to volunteer more. Ok, I failed. I should say it. But that's ok. I wanted to volunteer, so I could give without asking for anything in return. I wanted to do something outside of my little world, because I was feeling like I wasn't making an impact on anyone's life - at times not even my own life. So I went out there, and I looked at a few organizations. I even signed up for the Humane Society - went through all my interviews, orientations and training - and even worked a couple days. But it just wasn't a good fit for me. And while I was making time to volunteer, I was losing time on other aspects of my life that I wanted to work on. Mainly, I wanted (still want) to do more for my family, little gestures, a bigger effort to stay connected with them. Then I thought about the quote (as cheesy as it sounds) "Charity begins at home." My time, my love, my efforts for now (and really always, but not solely), need to go to my family. So I am giving. I am trying. So yes, I did fail in the aspect of traditional volunteering, I will admit that. But in my efforts, I have learned, and I have made helpful discoveries, and that's the best part about failure.

About wanting to cook more. Hmmm....yeah, I do cook more. Do I cook as often as I said I would? No. I had made a small goal for myself, and that was to cook one meal at home every week. I don't really do that. Hell, I forgot that I even wrote about doing that. Bummer. I have learned how to make the most delicious marinated chicken legs ever, though. That's a small accomplishment.

I can say this: I feel good. I like where I am going in my life. I have made changes that I am happy with, and I feel my mistakes and failures have been recognized and accepted with an open mind and humility. I am taking care of myself without feeling guilty or selfish, and that is a pretty big accomplishment for me.

For "You"

2010-12-11T09:39:00.000-08:00

It's a strange age we live in - the age where we can communicate through a solely virtual world. All the people that speak to one another through the computer and ONLY the computer. Instead of a handshake or hug, we get a virtual "poke", instead of a smile from a beautiful face - eyes sparkling, fine lines and wrinkles emerging from around our lips and the corners of the eyes, we get a colon and parenthesis. Our walls are down, because our screens are up, and we get to decide how people will see us, because we can backspace, delete, pause and wikipedia our speech. Like a piece of clay, we mold, re-mold, and re-shape our image until it is up to our standards of the "us" we want the virtual world to see.

I'm sure we all twist our worlds a little from time to time, trying to make our day seem more interesting, double-checking our spelling so we don't present ourselves as less knowledgeable as we'd like to believe to be, copying and pasting, cropping, editing, photoshopping and more. But sometimes I think (some more than others) we take advantage of the ability to edit ourselves. When we paint ourselves as the victim, we need to step away from typing about the wrongs which have been bestowed upon us hoping to gain sympathy, and instead we need to lift our hands off the keys, and face no one but ourselves, to learn - and accept - that sometimes, it's our own fault. Sometimes, we aren't trying hard enough. Sometimes, it was us that made the mistake. Sometimes, we fail, and sometimes from these failures, we hurt people we care about.

Sometimes we need to step away from our computers, and fix ourselves - without witnesses. Learn true humility - without documenting every step. Learn to truly cope - without waiting for a comment to say you've done it the right way. Learn to truly try. Learn that it's okay to mess up, and it's okay to not let everyone know what's happening in every second of your life. Learn to stop blaming someone else for something that you can take control of. Stop painting someone else as the bad guy, and learn that sometimes the bad guy is you. Learn that all the online comments in the world will not turn a lie into a truth.

Free Write: Sister

2010-12-06T21:59:00.001-08:00

Your voice carries like the wind, bouncing off the buildings, sweeping the leaves of the trees with a gentle push of your sounds.
Carry on.
Carry on.
You showed me beauty in my youth, now I see fear.
But carry on, my dear.
Your beauty, your strength, your need to stand tall.
It's still there.
Carry on.
Carry on, my dear.
Your bruises will fade, your tears will dry. But you alone must stand up and try.
Carry on.
Carry on.
Carry on, my dear.
A gentle push, like your voice to the trees, will not make you fall, nor will it lead you to your dreams. You alone can reach those stars. You alone, your will, your never-ending effort to keep yourself going. Step. Step.
Carry on.
Carry on.
Carry on, my dear.
Do not let your fears quiet your shine, dull out your eyes, keep moving on, fight to get yourself back.
Carry on.

Gracias

2010-11-25T08:23:00.000-08:00

It's that wonderful time of year again! The time when we celebrate my hobby: eating!

Ahhh, Thanksgiving, one of my favorite times of the year, where eating until the brink of vomiting is encouraged, and being lazy is welcomed into any home - at least any home I've been in. I am thankful for the gargantuan turkey Greg will prepare in a few hours, thankful for Gina inviting us into her home for the holiday, and thankful for so much more! So, in keeping with this grand holiday tradition of giving thanks (we'll ignore all the sad parts with the Native Americans getting screwed), I'd like to list a few things that I am so very grateful for...

Family:

- Of course, familia. Numero uno in my book. I forget to call, I move hours and hours and hours away, I don't write, I rarely send little gifts or notes to simply state "I'm thinking of you, and I love you". I'm pretty bad at keeping in touch actually, but THEY STILL LOVE ME. This I know. No matter how much time or distance, my family will always be the love of my life. My brother and sister are the best people in the world, and without them in my life, I would be broken. My father has sacrificed more than I will ever know to keep me safe, with a roof over my head, food in my mouth, and as happy as I could be, even through our most troubling times. My mom...she is a special one, shall we say? For all the tears and heartbreak, I still know that no one on this earth will ever love me more than she does, and one day I hope we will both know how to share this love with each other to the best of our abilities. Let's not forget all the rest: aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, nieces and nephews - they are ALL important to me. Whether is was early on in my life, with my older cousins watching over me and playing with me, or more recent with new babies and milestones, there's a cherished memory with each family member - all 1,000 of them ;o)

- Getting a little more specific: I am thankful that my sister never stops letting her kids know who I am. I breaks my heart some days, being so far from my niece and nephews, but my sister is so good at telling those kids who I am, and how much I love them. I hope that one day I will be just as good at letting them know myself, but for now, I am so grateful that when I do get to see them, they run to me with open arms and without hesitation.

- Let's not forget Greg. I love him for who he is. He loves me for who I am. If there's ever a rough moment for us, we keep trying, instead of giving up, and we truly respect one another. There are always other fish in the sea, but every day, I choose him and he chooses me. It's as simple as that. Go rugby team.

- My friends in Oregon. It took me a while to get adjusted to living so far away from who and what I knew. I've made some pretty phenomenal friends along the way. Gina, Brook and Eek - I am thankful for the crazy little family we've created up here. I'd be lost without you girls.

- My cat. Call me a crazy cat lady, but Edgar is my baby. Seventeen years - over half of my life - this fuzzy little fatty has been a with me. This morning, I threw a blanket over my shoulders, scooped Edgar up into my arms, went downstairs and shared a quiet cuddly moment. We have a lot of these moments, and I am thankful for every single one.

- Bacon. I will always be grateful for bacon. Not only does it taste DELICIOUS, but it has become a topic of conversation between me and so many people. They know me for bacon. It's a good ice-breaker.

- My job. Despite all the growing corporate drama, I love my job. I am thankful to have one at all. But seriously, I get to draw for a living. Granted, I don't get to be as creative as I want to be, nor do I get to show "my" style, but I get to use paint, and markers and sometimes even glitter spray, and that's pretty rad. Besides, if I got to show my own style, the store would be filled with dancing poop, blood & guts, and way more sarcastic bullet points - probably not the best marketing.

- I am thankful for the desire to never stop creating. Now I've got to work on the actual drive, but that want is still there, and with as many times as I've ignored this desire to draw, write, paint, act, whatever it may be, that tiny little flame to be imaginative hasn't died out.

- I am thankful for my silliness. I like poop jokes. I laugh when I fart, or when anyone farts for that matter. Call me juvenile, or call me immature. I will always dance goofy, talk in weird voices, and giggle at inappropriate times.

Well, that's my list. There's a lot more to be thankful for, but if I listed it all, this post would never end. Every day I find something to be thankful for. Every healthy day my grandmother has, I am grateful. Every day that goes by where my cat doesn't have a seizure, I give thanks. Every shining moment in life - be it grand (like being able to take a great vacation - next up: Ireland) or small (There's a can of crab in my fridge with my name all over it!) I am truly grateful for all of it. Life can really suck sometimes, and if we don't recognize all the little moments of greatness, it can break us. I hope to always try and find every little moment in life that reminds me to give thanks.

It Was Easier When I Was Sad

2010-11-22T19:18:00.000-08:00

So I have no real worries. Nothing out of the ordinary. Paying bills, cleaning the house, eating healthy meals, staying active.

Ho hum.

Ordinary.

Just another ordinary day.

Ordinary days does not the inspiring writer make. Pain and grief paint such a deeper picture. More nuances, more details that people want to read about. More strength.

More strength? Really?

Expressing sadness, describing - living drama takes more strength than happiness?

Sadness takes more strength than happiness? Yes.

Writing about sadness takes more strength than happiness? No.

It's hard to try to share my life in words when I am happy. I feel as though I'm either boring people to death, or that I'm bragging. No one likes a bragger. People seem to connect and attach to others more when they share the hardships and negativity in their lives. Try to share some positive news? They look like they want to punch you in the face.

I don't want to brag. I don't want to report. I just want to be creative.

Free Write: WTF

2010-11-16T18:47:00.000-08:00

Pickle parts of post-it notes can trap a monkey's pet poodle.

Try to practice writing every day to stretchh your imagination button.

Clicky-clack-clack poncho heavy heaving gusts of cheese.

China cracks down on pigmy pancake socials.

Shanking cholas for her shoes.

Crazy days of hazy lazy pests of chicken drool.

sheep shave down on shower times to help the world stay green.

Good for gravy boats when sticky situations ask for captains of the mushroom seas.

Casts of Facts of Life stay in their agoraphobic states so congress can work.

Thank heavens for red bloody meat.

Simple strokes of keyboard keys to make my mind feel less like mashed potatoes.

Someday I can try to make a legitimate mark on life.

Cycle drives to make me fit, but cars keep my ass squishy.

Shakespeare

2010-11-06T12:30:00.000-07:00

To breed, or not to breed?

That has been the question for myself since my birthday in August. I decided to make this year my year of pondering upon whether or not I want to have a kid. I let Greg know about this, so he can think about it too. I just don't know.

I know that everyone always says, "You're never really ready for a child", and I understand that. If I decide to have a kid, I know I won't truly be ready, but I want to make sure that I am truly certain if I want one at all. I go back and forth, and so far I don't know what my answer is. Well, I've got about eight more months to keep thinking...

This is what I've thought about so far:

I love the fact that Greg and I can ask ourselves "what do we want to do today?" and when we think of something, we just get up and go. I also love my alone time. I'm happy right now. Very happy. Greg and I are in a really good place in our relationship, and do I want to take the chance of rocking the boat with the life changes of having a child? Do we want to change our lives? It's pretty damn good right now. Also, we don't have any family up here, and lots of times, family equals free baby-sitting. I have friends that would probably be willing to baby-sit every now and then, but daycare would definitely be needed if we want to avoid having completely opposite schedules. I don't think I'd like opposite schedules, even if it would only be for a few years, until the kid starts school. God, then school! All the costs, all the decisions, all the scheduling, cleaning, watching, spending, taking care of - it's all a huge load of changes that make my easy life right now seem that much more precious.

I know that all the sacrifices and changes and decisions will be easier to make with an actual baby in my arms. I know I'd do anything for my child, but I also know myself. I know people "change" when they have a kid, but I also believe that a lot of people tell themselves that it's all worth it, because they can't do anything about it - the child is there. It's yours, so you may as well make the best of it and have a positive attitude.

But, when night falls, and the house is finally quiet, and I, the parent, finally has a chance to stop, and breathe...will I be happy with the day I had? Will I be fulfilled? For myself? Will I still feel like I can achieve my own happiness, as my own person? I have a hard enough time trying to reach the small goals I have right now, without a kid. I know that won't be easier with a baby around, and I really have to think about whether or not it's really worth it. That may sound a bit harsh, but what's harsh to me is to have a child for the wrong reasons. The problem I have right now is: what are the right reasons?

The right reasons: the love, the family. Nothing matters more to me than the people I love - my family. When I visit my nieces and nephews, I feel a love and connection with them that is like no other. Having that kind of love with my own child surely can't be a bad thing. I see some of my friends that have kids, and I see how they manage their lives. They care for their kids, and are still able to keep who they are as an adult, separate from being a parent.

But still...

I am happy now. I love and I feel loved now. Do I need to have that extra love? Can I live without it? That's such an unknown. I can't imagine the love I would have for my own child, but it wouldn't replace the love I already have for my nieces and nephews. Love is no doubt a strong word. It's an emotion, an action and so much more, but love is not everything. As idealistic as I'd like to be (because it would make decision making so much easier), I believe that love does NOT conquer all. Realities, effort, hard work, planning, and so many other aspects of being a well rounded human being play a huge role in being able to express and appreciate all that love. Sigh.

I'll just keep thinking.

Yep

2010-10-02T13:04:00.001-07:00

Hmm...it's been a long time, I know. I can try to make some fluffy word excuse and say things along the lines of, "Life has just been so crazy, my mind is filled with all the answers to the meaning of my life, but time had kept me from writing, and is keeping me with adventures." Or, "Words words words, filling my mind, never filling the screen, because although they make sense in my brain, they seem almost like a foreign language when set to paper or screen." Or how about, "I sit, with laptop on lap (appropriately so), and brace myself to let my inner soul escape onto this cyber world. Ready to take the criticisms, the laughter, the praise, and the occasional raised eyebrow. I sit, my fingers, don't move, my breath quickens, my palms sweat, and I am scared to share."

Nope.

I've been lazy.

I'm not even gonna say I'm going to try to get better at updating this with something actually interesting. I can say that I'll try to try (and shake my head in pity while I do so) and give it a good ol' college try.

The only problem with that is that I didn't finish college. I guess I'm giving the ol' college try then. Sheesh.

I don't like being this lazy person. All I can do is make some effort in my life. I can blame no one but myself for this one.

slip n' slide

2010-08-11T09:56:00.000-07:00

Twenty-nine years ago today, I slid out of my mom's vagina.

Human life is amazing.

Dirdy Birdy

2010-07-02T16:27:00.001-07:00

As promised, here are some photos from the Dirdy Birdy.

What is the Dirdy Birdy, you ask?

It's an annual 5k run in a sloppy, messy, completely magical mud-filled obstacle course! This year's race took place at the Portland International Raceway, on the dirtbike course. There were ropes to scurry under, mud pits to sludge through (many a pore soles were lost in those pits. Shoes. Get it? Get it? Oh God, that was awesome) mudslides, mounds and more. I know it all comes down to a track full of mud, but this track full of mud made for one of the most fun times I have ever had in my life. Yes. My life. That. Much. Fun.

And I Shake My Head...

2010-06-15T16:25:00.000-07:00

Guy I work with: Tomato...tomato...how do you spell "tomato"? Is it with an "e"?

Me: No, it just ends in an "o" unless you want to make it plural.

GIWW: What?

Me: Plural. Tomatoes. If it's plural, it has an "e". Like potato and potatoes.

GIWW: So, no "e"?

Me: Not if it's singular.

GIWW: But...but, what did that one guy do? He spelled something like that...

Me: Are you talking about Dan Quayle? He spelled potato with an "e".

GIWW: Huhhuh.....man, that guy's an idiot!

Me: *head tilt, slow nod, slow speech* Yes. Yes he is.

Bleh-biddy Bleh Bleh Blah

2010-06-03T18:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we need a good cry-fest. Sometimes all it takes to make us feel better is a long hug. Other times we just need to kick the shit out of something, or someone.

Let it out by writing.

Let it go by exercising.

Meditate.

Sing.

Sometimes we just

need

something.

Here's the problem. I don't know what it is, and I don't know what I want. My brain, my body, my soul, my essence is in a personal coma, and I can't figure out how to get out of this funk. A stinky, life-pausing, sucky funk.

I've been wanting to write, but I've had a problem putting all these jumbled, rambling, confusing thoughts into coherent and eloquent words that anyone (including myself) would want to read. I've been wanting to get out - ride my bike, go for a hike, SOMETHING, but it's been raining nearly every day and like a genuine wuss, the wicked witch of the west, I feel I need to avoid the water. I've been wanting to draw but I STILL HAVEN'T BOUGHT MORE PENCILS. I've been wanting to spend time with my husband, but he's been working 1,000 hours a week and is using the remaining ten minutes on his computer chatting it up with friends. I've never been so jealous of online people in MY ENTIRE LIFE. Maybe if I start playing World of Warcraft, I'll get to spend time with him...in a virtual world...while we sit on the couch...in the same room...only staring at each other's avatars. I've been wanting to work more at work, but I'm not allowed to work more than 40 hours, even though I have 50 hours of work to do. I've been wanting to hang out with my friends, but it seems that everyone's schedule is different than mine, our paths have not been crossing for some time now. I've been wanting to live, breathe, laugh, move, excite, feel, ANYTHING, but I can't seem to start ANYTHING.

Ok, got that out.

Really?

2010-05-19T23:22:00.000-07:00

I do art. I do it for my job, and for fun.

I wanted to start a sketch for my sister, but a pencil in my house is nowhere to be found.

Really?

Not a single pencil in the entire house?

Well, I found one mechanical pencil...

but it was broken.

One broken pencil in my entire house.

I'm an artist, and I have no pencils.

Really?

Lame.

A Sad Reality

2010-05-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

I have just spent hours reading over journals I wrote in between the years 1994 and 1997. I decided to look through them to find some funny entries that I could possibly submit to Mortified. What I found out as I read through book after book after book was, those were some very difficult years. It made me cry, actually.

Now, I know the words of a 13 though 16 year old are almost always going to be over dramatic, especially if you're writing about drama. The sad thing is, so much of the entries weren't about drama with school, boys, friends, etc. It was about family. My family, and the difficult times we had during those years. My entries weren't about specific incidents that happened, but they were about my feelings, and my utter confusion about life and if it was supposed to be this painful for everyone. As I am know, looking back at those years, before re-reading my journals, I didn't think the trials and tribulations my family went through were that painful to me. There are, in fact, so many ways that I am so grateful for everything that happened, and how it happened, because now as an adult, I can take so many lessons from all of what happened. I chose who I would love with a lot more caution and wisdom than I think I would have had I never experienced and witnessed those things in my past. I am grateful for that.

But to read these journals, and discover just how depressed I was about life. I didn't realize. It's sad. I know it's all in the past, but there is just something so strange about looking into your past, and having it dawn on you that you remember it differently fifteen years later, than how you remembered it two days, or maybe just hours later. I feel really sorry for my teenage self, not realizing how sad I was. I'm better now, don't get me wrong. But those journal entries really came as a shock to me. Life was hard for 13, 14, 15 and 16 year-old me, and I don't know if this makes sense, but I feel like I need to make up for it. I feel like being so unaware of this, is doing harm to my teenage self, and I need to make it up to my younger self.

Man. I think I'm going crazy. Maybe I just need to stop reading The Time Traveler's Wife for a little while.

Does any of this make sense? I'm just so shocked that these journal entries came as such a surprise to me. I mean, I wrote them after all! I should have know what was in there, but I didn't. Maybe I blocked a lot of it out. Maybe I need to see a shrink....

All I know is that I can't believe I survived that, and I hope I'm as stable and happy as I think I am now. I mean, I don't want to look at this blog fifteen years from now and think, "Oh my God, I was so sad! I didn't realize how depressed I was!"

It's What I Do...

2010-04-09T20:02:00.000-07:00

I've been really busy at work lately, which has it's positives and negatives. The downside - I'm really busy. The upside - I have been pushing myself to try new things and take more risks artistically. Sometimes this job can be quite intimidating because I'm showing off whatever skills I have everyday to strangers, coworkers and my bosses. There are times where I feel like I have no ideas left in me, and there I stand with a five foot long board in front of my face. Ok, create. In four hours. Or sooner, if you can. Not having any true training, I get a little scared at times. I don't know much about color theory, I'm horrible at blending and shading, and sometimes I feel like I flat out can't draw at all. Yet, that's what I have to do. That's what I get to do. I love my job. As scary as it is, I get to practice, practice, practice (although everyone sees the practice work) and I get to take that practice and put it to use in my personal artwork...if I have any creative energy left in me to do personal work :o) Oh well.

So, here are a few of the newest signs I've made. It's what I do.

Photo Project: Night Shots

2010-04-07T20:15:00.001-07:00

Well, here are my night shots. I think I'll call it, "Night Blooms"
Most of the shots are from the Waterfront, when the cherry blossoms were in full bloom. It was gorgeous, and I have lots and lots of cherry blossom shots, but I figure I'd change it up.

I took several shots of the paddle boat. I'm not too crazy about this shot, but it was the best one I had. I still need to practice a bit with my camera. I'm a work in progress :o)

One of the many cherry blossom shots. The amber lighting created such a beautiful glow through the delicate blossoms. I tried to capture that with these blossom shots.

Greg and I peeked through the walls into the Chinese Garden. I would love to walk through here late at night! Oh well, I'll just have to be a peeping tom.

My favorite shot ♥

Man Down! Man Down!

2010-04-02T16:19:00.000-07:00

Holy crap! The tree in our backyard fell over! We've been having wicked crazy winds lately, and I guess a few days ago, the wind ripped some of the roots out of the ground, and broke whatever roots were left! I had no idea this had happened until yesterday, when Greg found the tree lying in our neighbor's backyard! He texted me the news as I was driving home, but I thought it was an April Fool's Day joke. Joke's on me, our tree FELL DOWN!

Luckily, no one was hurt, and it didn't hit our house (or our neighbor's house). It did, however, knock over their crappy fence, but I think we did them a favor by letting that thing fall. It also may have damaged their tool shed, but we won't know until we clear out the branches and check for any damage. That shed is super old, and already had tons of damage to it, so I hope the owner doesn't blame that on the tree. Oh well. Wind happens.

Photo Project: Macro

2010-03-05T16:23:00.001-08:00

I've finally chosen photos for February's monthly photo project. These are all pictures from my backyard. Spring is waking up and showing it's blooming face here in the PNW, and I'm loving every blossom, sprout and leaf!

Some new green sprouting up. I recommend clicking on the photo, so you can see a bigger shot.

Our quince tree is blossoming like crazy! It's full of these tiny white flowers. The only thing about this tree is that we do nothing with quince. You can make preserves, but we don't do that. So, when the fruit is overripe and starts to fall, it gets pretty squishy. Anyone want to do some free quince-picking?

A shot of the birdhouse hanging on our quince tree. Our realtor, Katy gave this to us as a little housewarming gift. I've yet to see birds inside, but I'm sure they hang out when I'm not around. Maybe I'll leave a snack for them.

I took several shots of the daffodils, but this one turned out pretty interesting (at least I think so). I like how the details of the petals are blurred, leaving a golden glow around the - oh, what the hell are the little pollen sticks called? Botanist, I am not. Anyway, I like this.

In almost all cases, I am a hater of pink. I despise pink. Very rarely do I enjoy being surrounded by pink. I do, however, make an exception when it comes to flowers. I love pink flowers. What a crazy world I live in. This is from our hybrid plum-cherry tree. Or is it a cherry-plum tree? This has been the mystery tree to even my landscaping friends. All I know is, when this tree fruits, the little pinkish-red-plummy-cherry fruits are delicious! If anyone knows the real name of this tree, pass that info along to me, would you? Thanks!

This month's project: Night shots. I'm excited about this project, because I'm really bad at it. Hopefully I'll stick with it and learn a thing or two. I have one already. It was from Disneyland (as if you couldn't figure that out).

I'll post more pics later. But for now...

2010-03-03T17:42:00.000-08:00

It's been a while, I know.

Time isn't flying by any faster, and days aren't getting any shorter, yet somehow I feel as if there are never enough hours in the day...

Oh well.

Here are some pictures from my trip to California. It was one of the best trips yet! I had an amazing time with each and every single person I was able to spend time with. I love my family more than words will ever express, and miss them every day, but my life is here in Oregon, and here I will stay, eagerly awaiting family visits :o)

I bought everyone some chocolate mustaches. I hope hope hope everyone enjoyed them!

We went to my Aunt Peggy's house to see her, my Uncle Marv, and of course Grandma. I was a little nervous seeing Grandma because she had been in the hospital only a couple weeks earlier with chest pains. We were worried it was her heart, but when I saw her, she was zipping around like her normal self, and even showed us how to make her world famous peanut brittle! She made the first batch, and Greg took a crack at making the second batch. His turned out pretty good, but you could tell which one was his, and which was Grandma's.

Our first full day in California was spent at Disneyland. It's funny how much I miss it now that I can't go every day. I was lucky enough to get to enjoy the parks with my mom, my brother, my sister and my niece and nephews. I have to admit, this was the best time I've had visiting my mom. We usually end up getting in some stupid argument where tears are eventually shed, but not this time, and I'm very grateful for that. I love this picture because not only did Nikki take it (she's got a really good eye!), but because of Erica's nice tooth bling, and especially because of Kody's little face sneaking into the shot! Nice job!

You can't tell, but Nikki is riding next to me. It was her fourth time (I think) ever riding Space Mountain, and even though she didn't show it while waiting in line, I could tell she was a little nervous :o) I think she was putting on a brave face, because she was the only little one hanging out with the "big kids". But when we got seated, and the roller coaster started trudging up that hill, she hid her head in my lap and kept it there for pretty much the entire ride. It was cute. And when the ride was over she lifted up her head, showed a big grin and stated, "I did really good this time - I didn't scream once!"

I know it sounds silly, but I was kind of nervous to see the kids. It had been over a year, and even though Erica does a great job of letting them know who "Tia Kika" is, I was still worried that they'd be a little uncomfortable and unfamiliar with me. I was dead wrong. Silas was the one I was most worried about, since I moved to Portland before he was even born, but right when he saw me, he ran into my arms and we spun and spun and spun! All my worries spun right out of my mind, too! Silas was wearing the dorkiest (therefore, cutest) little boots, hoping it would give him enough added height to ride Star Tours, since he's a HUGE Star Wars fan. Alas, he was a hair short. Really, a hair. Like, a millimeter too short and they wouldn't let him ride. Oh well. It's been about a week, so I bet he's tall enough now.

Most of the times I visit California, I enjoy the company, but by the time my vacation is up, I'm ready to go home. This time around, I wanted to stay. Not for California, but to spend more time with my family. It was such a wonderful trip, and every time I go back, I leave a little piece of my heart with them. I wish I could give them my whole heart. I wish they'd all slowly (or quickly) move up to Oregon. But our lives are our lives, and we must follow where they lead us. I hope, though, that our lives soon lead us back to one another, even if it's only for a visit.

Free Write Time

2010-02-07T19:53:00.000-08:00

Empty.

Wandering within myself, I roam the empty halls.
Give, give, I want to give - thought, idea, knowledge, heart,
but they lose themselves within this vast space inside me.
Force the fervent beings of my core to free themselves and show the world,
my loves, who I am.
Past the humor, past the fun, into the depths of somewhat dark and gloomy patterns that

repeat

repeat themselves,
creating a vibrant, furious piece of my soul.
Will you hate me?
Will you be scared?
I am.
The emptiness is so heavy, it weighs me down, paralyzing me.
On one end, I sit with the ease of positivity, the carefree choices that have no real meaning,
that give no real life.

These simple moves, these unimportant choices, make up the me you see.

Art Night!

2010-02-05T16:04:00.001-08:00

The time has come! Our first gathering of our Art Collective Collaboration Ampersand Awesomeness Organization Group (the name is still in the works)! We meet tonight at my place, which gives me an excuse to clean, cook a meal for friends, and be the awkward hostess that I've never been trained to be. I'm really looking forward to it!

No Yanks Allowed

2010-02-02T19:50:00.000-08:00

I have unofficially joined a camera club. Unofficially because the club is in the UK, and only professional photographers living in the UK can join. Seeing how I am neither a professional photographer nor a resident of the UK (though I wish I was!), I cannot officially join, but I've decided to follow their lead and complete their monthly photo assignments. It's a fun way to play with my camera, practice techniques and strengthen my keen eye (which, right now, is not so keen). I really enjoy having a topic given to me - it helps me stay focued, allowing me to create portfolios that actually tell stories, rather than random hodgepodge images that make the viewer feel like they have ADD. I haven't created a story yet (which shall be told in 6 images), but here are a couple of practice shots. Oh, and the topic this month is macro photography.

Pretty Darn Accurate

2010-01-26T20:37:00.000-08:00

I took a personality trait test online today. I have to admit, these results are pretty damn accurate. So, if you want to know what I'm like, have a looksie:

Trait Explanations

Openness

This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer novelty versus convention. Approximately 85% of respondents have a lower openness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is far more intellectually curious and sensitive to beauty than most. You might say that your beliefs are individualistic and frequently drift towards the unconventional, and that you enjoy your imagination and the exciting places it takes you!

Conscientiousness

This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer an organised, or a flexible, approach in life. Approximately 56% of respondents have a lower conscientiousness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is random and fun to be around but that you can plan and persist when life requires it. From your responses it appears that depending on the situation, you can make quick decisions or deliberate for longer if necessary.

Extraversion

This trait refers to the extent to which you enjoy company, and seek excitement and stimulation. Approximately 21% of respondents have a lower extraversion raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who prefers low-key social occasions, with a few close friends. You might say that it's not that you are afraid of large parties; they're just not that fun for you.

Agreeableness

This trait refers to the way you express your opinions and manage relationships. Approximately 58% of respondents have a lower agreeableness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who gets along with people well, especially once they have proved themselves trustworthy to you. Your responses suggest that you do have a healthy scepticism about others' motives, but that doesn't stop you from considering others to be basically honest and decent.

Neuroticism (Emotional stability)

This trait refers to the way you cope with, and respond to, life's demands. Approximately 11% of respondents have a lower neuroticism raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is calm and emotionally stable. Based on your responses, you come across as someone who is rarely bothered by things, and when they do get you down the feeling does not persist for very long.

Jungian Typology Estimate

Research has found that the Big Five personality traits are significantly related to Jungian Typology (e.g. the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator). This is a popular alternative personality framework regularly used for personal development, in which Types are used rather than Traits. Based on your Big Five trait scores, your estimated Type is shown below:

INTJ

Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging

INTJs are very analytical individuals. They are more comfortable working alone than with other people, and are not usually as sociable as others, although they are prepared to take the lead if nobody else is up to the task, or they see a major weakness in the current leadership. They tend to be very pragmatic and logical individuals, often with an individualistic bent and a low tolerance for spin or rampant emotionalism. They are also commonly not susceptible to catchphrases and commonly do not recognize authority based on tradition, rank or title. Hallmark features of the INTJ personality type include independence of thought, strong individualism and creativity. Persons with this personality type work best given large amounts of autonomy and creative freedom. They harbour an innate desire to express themselves; that is to be creative by conceptualizing their own intellectual designs. Analyzing and formulating complex theories are among their greatest strengths.

All Grown Up

2010-01-15T19:29:00.000-08:00

Back in September, I entered an essay contest. I didn't win. So now I can post it on my blog.

A few days ago my friend told me about an essay contest in a magazine. The challenge is to write about the moment or event that happened in your life that made you feel like you had become a grown-up. It's really got me thinking. What has happened to me that has made me feel "all grown up"? I'm not sure that moment exists. I grow. I learn. I have matured, but am I a grown-up? That seems like an end, a finale. Some days I feel like an adult, and other days it blows my mind that I'm closer to thirty than I am to twenty. One day I will feel accomplished, and the next I will feel lost. All grown up? No. That moment does not exist to me. I am growing. I am an adult. A child's spirit and an old soul both reside inside of me, and both are always learning from the other.

I felt grown up when I had my first "real" boyfriend, then realized how little I knew about love until I met Greg, and I still feel that there will always be more to discover about him and about love.

I felt grown up when I got my first job, but I understood what a true work ethic was years later.

I felt grown up when I stayed strong in front of my father when he was in the hospital having heart surgery, but I felt so little when I broke down once I got back home.

Maybe feeling grown up doesn't come from one pivotal moment. Maybe it reaches us like ocean waves- at times a moment of adulthood will crash into you, and if you don't dive under, immersing your whole self into the wave, it will knock you over. Then at times, maybe the tide is so low that no matter how far you reach out, you can barely reach the water, or you can only test the water with your big toe- too timid to just run in, because the high tide might roll in and overwhelm you (grown up situations can be scary). It ebbs and flows. It comes and goes. Adult. Child. Grown up. Lost. I am all of these. Perhaps it is this understanding- that the title "grown-up" doesn't have to mean I'm done growing- that has made me realize that I actually have become a grown-up.

Let's Start Now

2010-01-01T13:13:00.001-08:00

Yes, yes, a blog entry about New Year's resolutions, how original. I don't care.

For the new year...

> I'm going to do some actual hands on volunteer work. My first step starts on the 12th, with an orientation for working for the Food Bank of Oregon. I hope to give my services to other organizations, the neighborhood, or just another person needing an extra hand. I've been too selfish these past several years, and it's high time I change that.

> The new and improved Monthly Art Projects project starts today! We meet for dinner and submit words and phrases that will hopefully inspire me to create and to be excited about creating. One word or phrase a month will be drawn, and our imaginations take care of the rest! A few of my friends and I tried this last year, and after one really awesome first month, a couple ehh - alright months we faultered and went into total abandonment of the whole thing. It was sad, but we were not fully committed to the projects. This time, I am going to make it a priority in my life. I need to awaken my curiosity in art, and I'm ready to take it seriously.

> I've got a gym membership. I go every once in a while, but I need to make it a habit. I need to crave working out. I need to want to do it. This fat on my ass and belly is making itself a little too at home, and I'm ready to kick it out like the no good squatter it is!

Well, those are the tops. There are a couple other things here and there, but I don't see them as goals for just one year. These are more like little changes and tweaks toward self-improvement that I'm sure I'll be working on for a lifetime. As for now, goals are set. It's in writing. Maybe the three of you that read this can hold me accountable for keeping these resolutions.

Goodbye, 2009. Hello, 2010.

Hello Me

2009-12-28T21:34:00.000-08:00

I'm finding it difficult to part ways with the ever social butterfly life. I want it, and I miss it, but at the same time, I don't seem to be pursuing it anymore. I know I'm young. I know I have so much more life- in the way of late nights, dancing, loud socializing and the likes- inside of me. But I need to work on my inner self. I need to work on the silence. Inside I am restless, and not because I want to go out and go crazy, but because I want to find a sort of comfort and serenity that is yet to really be discovered. I need to rediscover peace within myself. I need to find assuredness, calmness, and acceptance within myself. I need to learn to be comfortable with myself again. I've grown distant from myself, and my true desire is to hang out with me - and to enjoy it.

I know walking away from some and distancing myself from others (even if it's not forever) may come back to haunt me, and when I return from this...I'll call it self-reflective journey, there may not be as many there for me to come back to. Still, I need to do this. I've spent too much time being worried about other's schedules, other's timing, and everyone else's pace of life to the point of neglecting my own pace and schedule. I've been living by everyone else's watch, and I need to learn to be okay with doing things for myself, without as much regard to other's schedules as I've given in the past.

That's all.

falling loveliness

2009-12-14T20:39:00.001-08:00

I love that my rain boots can be considered "normal" footwear. I've missed the rain. I welcome the rain. The green I love cannot be without the storms, so I embrace it, I smile when the drops hit my cheeks, and I can't help but jump in the puddles.

The only downside to my rainboots...they've got holes. Christmas present?

Musical

2009-11-13T21:36:00.000-08:00

You know the song from My Fair Lady, "I feel Pretty"? Well, if you take the prettiness of that song, add four gaping, throbbing holes into it's mouth, make it's brain mushier than the food it can chew, add about a week and a half's worth of leg hair, ashy skin, greasy hair on the head, a face that's getting paler by the minute, one or two fresh scabs from stubborn pimples and throw in a few new dimples on an ass from doing nothing but watching TV for a week, then you have how I feel.

...oh so pretty.

Easy Livin'

2009-11-05T19:51:00.000-08:00

I get my wisdom teeth pulled out tomorrow.

I've realized that I've never had anything even slightly major ever done, medically speaking. Well, there was that one time where they pumped my stomach, but that wasn't too bad. The worst injury I've ever had was probably when I sprained my arm at Chuck E. Cheese's when I was about five. I'm kind of bummed, actually, that I've never worn a cast or had crutches or stitches.

I'm just asking for trouble, aren't I?

They Exist

2009-10-25T16:41:00.000-07:00

Hello.

I've been writing. Just not on here. I've been keeping to my goal of writing or sketching at night. Some nights I turn out the lights, lie in bed, set my laptop on my lap (appropriately so), close my eyes and let my fingers go to work. So often at night, my mind cannot settle down. It runs and runs, and seeing how my head is so tiny, it doesn't have very much space in which to run around, so I lengthen the trail from my brain to my fingertips, with an exit out to my computer.

So where are they?

I'm glad you asked. They're saved in a documents file, waiting to be cleaned up- writing in the dark is an invitation for misspellings and incoherent rambling. Plus, some very open and vulnerable stuff comes out at night, and I'm a little hesitant to share it all out in the judgemental blogosphere. I know this blog is for honest entries, but let's face it, it's still the Internet. I do have some parts of me that I'd like to keep to myself. Call it selfish, call me scared, it's my blog and I can do what I want, so take that.

A Good Idea

2009-10-11T21:43:00.000-07:00

Despite the lack of updates, I am constantly on my blog page. Doing what, you may ask? Oh, just staring mostly. Maybe hoping a new entry magically appeared, drenched in cheeky prose and riddled with fancy adjectives. Alas, every time I check, it's still the same last entry. Magic my ass.

Ok, so I probably shouldn't blame my lack of magical abilities, but more so my drive and focus. I need to be more disciplined. So I have an idea. Actually, I'm stealing an idea from Amy Earles. She's an artist who's work I've bought, who's blog I read, and who's artistic drive I really admire. She usually has a sketch pad by her bedside, and draws before she goes to bed. Great idea. I usually read before I go to bed, but now writing (and drawing) will be my new nighttime activity. Feel free to steal what I've stolen, and tweak it to fit your own needs.

Today...

2009-09-16T18:11:00.000-07:00

Today...

> I feel like I'm high on something. I've been in a fog all day long- zoning out, stopping in mid-sentence. It's like my mind and my body are going in opposite directions.

> I couldn't relax during my chiropractic massage until Katherine did some wacky positional release movement on my neck. The relief I felt was so intense, I felt as if I had just finished having a huge sob session, and was ready to just curl up into a blanket and sleep.

> I had to draw a scene that included a giant tub of Greek yogurt. I didn't like what I drew, and I'm probably going to scrap the whole thing. I couldn't think of anything inspiring, and while I was trying to brainstorm,images of chickens kept creeping into my head. I wanted to draw chickens.

> I didn't draw any chickens.

> I feel like the sky looks like a blank piece of recycled paper, and I like it. It's like someone drew me, my house, and my street, and nothing else exists. If I travel outside of my 8 1/2 by 11 inch world, I'll fall into oblivion. It's my own little isolated world, and today, that makes me feel peaceful.

> I enjoyed my lunch outside in the rain.

> there was a man in the waiting area of my chiropractor's office. He kept flirting with the receptionist and it was making her feel uncomfortable. Then he started flirting with the clinic's masseuse. She felt uncomfortable, too. All of this was making me feel uncomfortable.

> I felt kind of frumpy when I realized that the guy in the office was not going to flirt with me.

> my pants are too big, and my shirt is too tight.

> I'm really craving crab, or sushi.

> I've had "The Wind" by Cat Stevens stuck in my head all day long. It makes me want to play the guitar better.

> I've noticed my breathing more than on other days.

> Chickens are pecking their way back into my brain. I think I should draw some chickens.

New York City

2009-09-09T19:25:00.000-07:00

Now that Greg is home, I have my camera back. So now, ladies and gentlemen (or the three of you that read these), I can share some of my photos from my trip to New York City....

We took a ferry to the Statue of Liberty. It had been sprinkling all day long, but I kid you not, the minute we stepped foot on the island, it started POURING. Luckily, I had bought a cheap umbrella from a stand in the city. Unluckily, it was a really cheap umbrella that kept flipping inside out. We were soaked by the time we were done with the tour.

I love Central Park. I had gone there the last time we visited NYC, and even though there are so many other sites to visit, I wanted to go back to the park. Greg teased me: "You've traveled across the country, from a state that's filled with parks, and you want to hang out at a park." What can I say? I love parks. But Central Park is way beyond an ordinary park. We ended up walking around the park for hours. Wow, this caption has the word "park" in it a lot.

Ok, don't laugh, but this was at another park. This time, it was Greg that wanted to stop at the park. It's called High Line Park. It stands about thirty feet above the city streets, on top of an old railroad line. The top photo was taken under a covering, and I thought the glass in the background was interesting. I thought the integration of urban and wild was well done.

There are many beautiful cathedrals in New York. We passed by a few, but the Cathedral of Saint John the Divine was one we really wanted to see . It was enormous and absolutely stunning. The unique blend of Romanesque and Gothic style gave the cathedral a look that was uniquely it's own. We tried taking a lot of pictures inside, but alas, my little Casio camera does not take the best pictures in dim lighting. Yes, I'm blaming the camera and not it's operators.

One positive about the rainy weather was the gorgeous night sky enhanced by the city lights and the hazy clouds. I shot these as we were walking back to the hotel. The ACE is only a couple blocks from the Empire State Building. Greg had been frequenting a Walgreen's while he was in NYC. It was about day three when he took another exit of Walgreen's and POW!- he was in the front lobby of the Empire State Building.

Free Write: Trailing off and Back Again

2009-09-05T09:50:00.000-07:00

The clouds are gray and heavy. The ground is drowning in a endless rainfall. The house is dark and quiet, except for the tick tock ticking of the clock on the wall. I'm trying to start my day, but I feel like it is already night. I am not entirely sure how I'm feeling at this moment- content? Drained? Lonely? Rested? Calm? Tired? My heart is slowly beating, my lids are heavy, my breath is deep and steady. Peaceful. Not ecstatic. The rain is soothing, needed, and welcomed, but it's working too well. I am becoming lethargic, indolent, slow-moving. I am a sloth. I like sloths. Sloths are cute. There is a tea house I like to frequent, and the welcome sign has a painting of a sloth, and he's enjoying tea with his other animal friends. I like that painting. My cat has been letting out a whining meow every forty-seven seconds for the last two hours. I am at my breaking point with him...I don't know what that means. He is breaking the calm, the meow is piercing this silent home, and drowning out the methodical tick tock ticking of my old clock. I like my clock. I like the painting of the sloth more.

(Almost) Success

2009-08-22T01:17:00.001-07:00

Last night was my first night of cooking dinner in the new house.

There were few catastrophes.

The meal consisted of lemon pepper and herb chicken atop a bed of orzo and sauteed mushrooms, with an heirloom tomato and cucumber salad. The salad turned out great. The chicken was tasty, but a little dry (I always worry about under cooking chicken), and the orzo - which should have been the easiest part- was salvageable.

I guess I don't read directions well. I looked at the package of orzo (yes, I needed to read the package to see how to cook pasta), and saw: In a large pot, add four cups of water and heat to a rolling boil". Well, I added four cups of water and a little broth for added flavor, allowed it to hit a rolling boil, added the orzo, and waited for the water to return to a boil. Seems simple enough. But no, not for my poor misguided brain. As the orzo cooked, I noticed less and less liquid seemed to be in the pot. Now, I've made spaghetti, penne, and many other more common pastas plenty of times- I know what it's supposed to look like- and this looked wrong.

Just plain wrong.

I reached for the empty package and re-read the directions: Add four QUARTS of water to a large pot.

Dammit!

I quickly heated more liquid in a separate container, and then added that liquid to the already heated pasta. In the end, it tasted all right, but there was a good amount of orzo charred on the bottom of the pot. Pot ruined. Small oopsie, but it did make me a little discouraged. Well, I guess discouraged is the wrong word. I'll say, rather, it made me realize that I need to pay better attention to directions. When it comes to making my way around a kitchen, I am the man who constantly gets lost and refuses to ask for directions. Lesson learned.

Baby Steps

2009-08-19T20:46:00.000-07:00

I am setting a small goal for myself. Very small. Teeny tiny, but for me, it's a good step in self-improvement. Are you ready for it? Are your inner drum rolls a-rolling?

I am going to cook a meal once a week.

Insert "oohs" and "ahhs" here.

I know, I know. For many people, perhaps everyone, this is not a feat that deems much recognition. For me, it is an accomplishment I can be happy with. I don't cook. I don't think I've cooked a real meal in my new house- ever. Tonight my dinner consisted of Flaming Hot Cheetos and a couple glasses of water, and a meal of this caliber is a normal occurrence. NOT something to be happy with. I'm not talking gourmet here (maybe gourmet every now and then, but let's not get ahead of ourselves), just a meal that involves more than piercing film with a fork and a microwave. So I will plan. I will try. I will cook. I will shine.

Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

Out on Holiday

2009-08-07T23:14:00.000-07:00

Life is too short to sit inside and blog. Well, maybe that's a little too dramatic. Let me try again...

Portland summers are too short to sit inside and blog.

That's better.

I've been under the sun, soaking up rays, floating in rivers, strolling through street festivals, and just admiring the beauty that is an Oregon summer.

My brain is too focused on "WEEEEEE! SUMMER!" to try and put fluid thoughts onto the screen.

I'll be back when the weather cools, the sky becomes gray, and everything feels damp and depressing- so goth. I do my best work when I'm feeling goth.

I Want to Illustrate a Moment From This

2009-07-28T20:33:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt I attended a reunion with all of my theater friends. The event was held under a moonlit sky in the middle of a corporate building's parking lot. Everyone was there, and everyone looked the same, just taller.

Shortly after arriving, little gnomes started to appear from nowhere. After a moment's time there were hundreds of them. The party guests were not worried from this, nor were they excited. It seemed as if I was the only one who actually noticed them. One, two, three, three hundred stout and pudgy gnomes, all wearing identical yellow long-sleeved shirts, blue trousers and pointy red hats. Their faces were also identical to one another- rosy cheeks, bulbous nose, gray hair, yet a somewhat youthful face. I looked to the tables set up near the corner of the parking lot- gnomes were popping up like a game of whack-a-mole. I turned to look at some of my friends- gnomes were darting past their knees, swift and unnoticed by all but me. I lifted my gaze to the rooftop of the corporate building- a chorus line of gnomes, all in silence, their painted smiles and glossy eyes staring at me, and their bodies swaying in unison- left, right, left right. I watched the rooftop gnomes for a while, half wondering if they were the paid entertainment, and half wondering if they would offer me a hat.

They never gave me a hat.

To Say the Least...

2009-07-16T22:59:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about a recent embarrassing moment....

Greg and I spent a lovely Friday afternoon hiking at Oneonta Gorge. We waded through clear streams, admired waterfalls, and had a grand ol' time with Mother Nature. At one point on our hike, the path forked into two paths. One let you continue on the main trail, while the other led you down to a beautiful cliff that allowed a great view of Triple Falls (three waterfalls in one- clever.). Greg and I decided to take a breather and head down to the viewing spot. As we headed down the path, a nice older gentleman was heading up. We smiled and said our polite hellos and continued on our merry way. It was a great spot.

I sat down to rest my legs for a few minutes. Soon after sitting, I felt a little tickle on my left leg. I looked down and saw a creepy looking copper colored bug crawling up my thigh. I quickly swatted my hand across my thigh, hoping to get it off me. It fell off my leg, but it looked (and felt) like it fell right into my skirt, and onto my ::ahem:: lady part.

I freaked out.

I jumped up and started running in small circles, screaming over and over "Oh my God, it went in my crotch! IT'S IN MY VAGINA!!" I then lifted my skirt over my waist, skivvies in full view, and continued to scream and flail my limbs wildly, hoping that this desperate act would ensure my body being bug free. It was in the middle of this dance that Greg tapped me on my shoulder and said, "Hey....Krisha?"

"What?!"

Greg then pointed behind me. I turned around, and to my surprise, saw the nice old man, camera in hand (but not to his eye. He wasn't a pervert.) and a look of shock on his face. He had seen the whole thing.

Instantly, I lowered my skirt, turned back around and buried my embarrassed face in my hands. Greg laughed and took pictures.

What I Should Be Doing

2009-07-06T20:48:00.001-07:00

My sister-in-law is coming to town! Although the visit will be short, I'm really looking forward to the time we will have.

Greg and I have been getting the guest bedroom all set up. Currently it has been used as our giant walk-in closet. Since we had decided to fix up the master bedroom first, all of our clothes and any extras were thrown into that spare room. Well, now we have to put a person in it, so we actually have to be productive and create a room that's more of an enjoyment than a punishment to stay in. I swear, if we didn't have guests coming over, we'd probably never get motivated to fix that room up. So earlier today, I started hauling our storage containers back up to the master bedroom, and about five minutes into working, I tripped on the stairs and twisted my ankle. Don't worry, it's not serious. It just hurts like a bitch, and now it's really difficult to carry things up and down the stairs. Now, Greg is doing all the work, and I feel like dead weight. Although it hurts my ankle to put too much weight on it, I can't help but feel guilty for not being able to help out more. What I should be doing, rather than typing away, is sucking it up and helping out. What hurts more, feeling guilty or walking up and down stairs? I'm not sure.

By the Way

2009-06-29T21:35:00.000-07:00

The raspberry crumble was DEEEEELICIOUS!

I'm probably going to continue to make more crumbles, as both Greg and I really enjoyed it, and if anyone knows Greg and his taste buds, that's a feat to be recognized. A special thanks to Brook and her recipe, her kitchen, and her patience with my lack of culinary skills. Also, thanks for the suggestions on what to do with our extra berries. I think I'll check out donations (thanks, Alethea), or maybe I'll just make crumbles and take them to the streets- skip the middleman.

By the way, it's been gorgeous these past few days. Nothing but smiles, berries and sunshine. Let's hope this trend keeps going.

I actually had something more specific on my mind, but it is currently distracted by the sounds of the television, Greg munching on potato chips, Edgar's tail wagging in front of the computer screen, and my desire to go upstairs and read my book Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

Razz-A-Matazz

2009-06-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

Our raspberries are popping up in full force! I'm off to my friend's house to try out her crumble recipe (known to me as fruit-crumbly-awesomeness), and I've got a bowl full of fresh picked berries ready to be transformed into dessert goodness. I've also got a crap-load of raspberries that'll be ripe in a few more days, and other than just eating them straight off the bush, I'm not sure what to do with them.

Any ideas? Recipes? Suggestions?

Try Part 2

2009-06-15T17:46:00.002-07:00

People like to tell me that they admire my confidence, and they like that I know who I am, and I'm not afraid nor ashamed to show it. As flattered as I am by a compliment this great, I must admit that I am still figuring out who Krisha is. I have a pretty good idea, and I can say that everyone is always evolving, always learning new things about ourselves, so we can never truly know ourselves, but I think I still have a long way to go. I am confident in many areas. I speak my mind plenty of times, and I'm not afraid to show my silly side, or to look ugly every now and then. But in so many other ways, artistically, sexually, beautifully, gracefully, I run and hide.

One of the areas I'd really like to work on is my body image. As silly as it sounds, I deny myself the simple pleasure of wearing whatever the hell I want because I become too shy or too hard on myself about my body. Constantly do I put on an outfit, wear it for a few minutes, then shake my head and tell myself, "you look stupid" or "I look like I'm trying to hard. My friends are going to comment on how I look different, and I don't want them to say anything". Then I change back into my comfort zone. Well, I have finally decided to take some steps toward changing my ways. Last Saturday I went out without any clothes on at all.

How's that for a step?

Last Saturday was the annual World Naked Bike Ride and I, yes I was a part of the naked action!

OK, I'll admit, I was wearing some clothes. I donned a helmet (safety first), my 20-hole Dr. Martin's, and my Oregon-loving skivvies (it says "The Beaver State" on the front and "I Love Oregon" across the bum)...and that's all, folks.

Let me tell you a little bit about my night....

The ride began at midnight, and several hours before that, I was enjoying the company of good friends, worrying the night away. My nerves for what was to come later that night were getting the best of me. I will confess that I did need a little liquid courage to help me calm my nerves, but my mind was still racing with thoughts of the worst: What if I fall? No one looks good when they fall, but falling naked? That would suck. What if I can't keep up with the rest of the riders, and I end up cycling all by myself- naked? Aaaggghhh! But my friends reassured me that everything would be alright.

We had planned on wearing costumes that night- we are in Portland, after all. Along with the aforementioned few items I wore, I had planned on also wearing my aviator goggles and a cape. As the night continued on, and as more and more great socializing happened pre-naked ride, we lost track of time and wound up running late, so we quickly had to grab our bikes, strip down and hit the road.

As the riders got into position, a marching band played us off and the ride began. A flurry of flesh, tape, skivvies and chrome, slowly rolled onto the streets of Downtown Portland. There were easily over a thousand participants. It was exhilarating, to say the least. Wearing not much more than the smile on my face, I pedaled to my heart's content. Several minutes passed and as we got deeper and deeper into downtown, crowds started emerging from the nightclubs and restaurants, all wondering what exactly it was they were witnessing. By the time we were in the heart of downtown, the number of spectators had turned from a few onlookers to hundreds and hundreds of people. Many were cheering, giving us high-fives, or just standing there speechless, unable to believe what they were seeing. I saw a few spectators mouthing "oh my GOD!" into their cell phones, trying to quickly describe to the other line what was happening. It was the ride of a lifetime.

I loved every minute of the ride! I loved being a part of riding in celebration to deliver a vision of a cleaner, safer, body-positive world to the masses- to show how fragile we can be in comparison to cars, so we must drive with care and compassion when we share the road with bikers. I loved that during the ride, I was never afraid nor was I ashamed to show off my body. I loved it.

Now, whenever I start to feel shy, intimidated or self-conscious in any situation, I can look back at this and say, "What's there to be nervous about? You rode through Downtown Portland naked, for Christ's sake! You can do this, too."

Try

2009-06-12T11:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life, we need to change things up a bit. Try something new, maybe go outside of our comfort zone. This weekend, I'm going to try that. I have a goal in mind- there's an activity involved, and I will give myself a great big high five if I do it. If I don't, I'm lame.

Stay tuned....

Banshee

2009-06-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

Who knew I could love rodents so much...I will miss you Banshee.

Unsatisfying Venting

2009-06-04T21:51:00.000-07:00

There are people I have come across in my life, and no matter what I do to distract myself from them, they keep sliding into my mind. It's not a toying of my heart. It's not someone who is particularly intriguing, and they certainly do not please me. It's quite the opposite. They drive me crazy with anger and frustration. I know, I know- it's ugly to feel this way. I'm not usually hell bent on disliking someone. They don't even play a real role in my life- they interrupt others' lives. They are a part of lives that I DO care about. Lives that are constantly teased, tested and tormented because of these people are why my mind races with thoughts of .....

anger.

Just anger.

I don't like feeling this way. I don't know how to get them out of my head. I want them out of my head, not just to let the anger go, but to also keep from giving them the satisfaction of having another person pay attention to them. Attention is what they want, and I hate that I pay attention to them. They don't need my attention. I don't want to give them my attention.

How do I let it go?

Do I vent? Do I yell at them? Do I pour out specifics on this blog, allowing this ugliness to leak out for others to see? Do I need other people to see it- people who are not involved? Hell, I'm not even involved in the situations that make my frustrations develop, but I just can't help it. I'd feel like a bitch if I call out people, name names and tell them that I think these people are fooling no one when they claim to be a victim- when they claim to be justifying their actions based on protecting the feelings of the people they supposedly care about. I want to call them out and cry, "bullshit!" But not only do I think I would feel like I'm being a bitch, but (and maybe even more so) I feel like my words would fall upon deaf ears.

And, of course, it would be cowardly to just bitch and moan about someone, whilst never confronting the actual culprit. Still, why should I care about these people? They have not shown concern for others, so should I show concern for their feelings?

Yes. I am not them.

So what do I do? Why do I care? I am not involved.

Sometimes I fight harder for others than for myself. When someone hurts me personally, I deal with it. When someone hurts someone I care about- I go crazy. This is why I get so angry. I see others getting hurt. I see others being made a fool. I see others being taken advantage of. I see others getting their hearts broken. I watch it all, and I feel like my hands are tied. Not knowing if my words would ever help, I just stay angry, and I'm afraid that my anger will subside only when these people stop the emotional destruction they so selfishly create.

Man, sometimes I wish I could be okay with being the bitch.

Balance

2009-05-29T10:04:00.000-07:00

I've been having trouble finding a balance between fun and responsibility. I've gone on great hikes, frequented my favorite restaurants, and explored all the fun local activities my neighborhood has to offer. Do I regret doing all these things? Of course not. But, I do feel like I've been ignoring quite a few tasks and chores that need to be done. There is so much to do- clean, clean, clean, paint, organize for a yard sale I'm having in a couple weeks, work out in the yard, clean, go to the dentist, order more contact lenses, clean, wash my car, take care of medical prescriptions, and clean. I haven't done those things. I should have done some of those things a long, long time ago. I get upset with myself for not doing these things in a timely matter.

So today I change that. It's my day off, and when I would normally be out kayaking, hiking, roller skating, doing ANYTHING that helps me melt away the stresses of the work week, I sit inside, blogging away while trees are being removed from my yard so we can build a fence and map out what we hope to be our beautiful back yard. After I finish typing, I'm heading out to buy more painter's tape, and then I'll paint the master bedroom. Hell, maybe I'll even vacuum today, or scrub a toilet- who knows where the day will take me. Adventures a plenty? Sort of (maybe not the toilet part). It's a step in the right direction of telling myself that even these moments, full of responsibility, tedious work and- well, toilet scrubbing, are shaping me, and helping me find that I'm not missing out on life when I'm taking care of my life. Does that make sense? I hope so, otherwise I'm going to go out for a bike ride and screw it all.

2009-05-17T18:07:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, Greg and I hiked to the peak of Saddle Mountain. We've done this hike once before, and just like last time, it was a bit of a challenge. There's an elevation gain of over 1600 feet, and the last part of the hike is pretty damn steep. It's worth it in the end, though, because once you reach the top, you're able to see the Cascade Mountain peaks and the coast. A 360 degree view of amazing landscape is all the reward I need.

I was feeling pretty proud of myself. I thought, "man this was kind of hard. I. Am. VICTORIOUS." Then I saw a man reach the summit with a kid hitching a ride on his shoulders. Victory party over. Maybe I need to work out more.

My Mother

2009-05-10T21:56:00.000-07:00

My mother...

is crazy
makes me cry almost every time I talk to her
wishes I made more money
has asked complete strangers whether they think God is a man or a woman
teases her hair more than a bully teases a nerd
has made a lot of mistakes
totaled her car about a month ago
blacked out about a month ago
has nervous break-downs from time to time
wishes I went to college
has given me several anxiety attacks
wishes I didn't get married at such a young age
breaks my heart about once every three months
is hard to understand
doesn't try hard enough
tries my patience

is human

is human

is human

My mother...

is a woman
is her own person
lost her mom at the age of nine, and I don't think has ever recovered from it
has gone through more shit than anyone I know
has endured struggles that I think would break me
has overcome obstacles that she doesn't realize are huge accomplishments
is stronger than she likes to believe
has goals and dreams that I am unaware of
has a life that I am unaware of
has an endless amount of love to give to her family, but doesn't know how to show it
is brave
is funny
is beautiful

is human

is my mother

and I love her.

Thank You, Farmers

2009-05-09T21:27:00.000-07:00

Today marked the launching of this season's Beaverton Farmers Market. I don't know why I love going to the market so much. Well, yes- yes I do know why. Aside from The Soup Lady (I will learn her name one day), the nuns who make mustard, and the best tomatoes I've ever laid eyes on, the market is a place where I get to run into friends I don't normally hang out with. Cory, Kelli (not today, but one weekend, I'm sure)and even Babs made an appearance. Plus, I have a huge appreciation and admiration for everyone who hauls their butts out of bed before the sun comes up, and works that tired butt off to bring the public some of the finest products, and to make an honest living. It's a dying art, and I like to support it when I can.

There's something very welcoming about the people, and about this particular market in general. Beaverton is a fairly decent size city with- well- nothing to do. I actually don't hang out there unless I'm working or at the market, but on those Saturday mornings, in that parking lot by the library, I feel as if I've been transported into a small town....and I like it. I wouldn't live there, but when it comes to the market, I sure as hell like to visit.

I meant to bring my camera with me, but I left it in my car. Next time, I'll post pictures.

2009-05-02T14:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I have to write on this thing to feel like there's a reason for having a blog. But a lot of days pass by, and I think to myself, "this was a good day, but does anyone care to hear about it?" and the answer is usually probably not. They're good days, great days, but nothing spectacular. For instance...

Yesterday:

Greg and I had a wonderfully relaxing day. We started it off by strolling up and down Hawthorne, checking out all the fun local shops. I bought a really cute black cardigan with roses and anchors lining the shoulders. Then we stopped by a little food shop called Pastaworks and picked up some fresh baked Focaccia, my favorite type of olives (Castelvetrano), and some other goodies to enjoy on a picnic. After the picnic, we drove back home and both took a nap together on the couch. About an hour and a half later, we were feeling refreshed and ready for a little more outdoor activity. We hopped onto our bikes and rode to our local butcher shop to pick up dinner. Greg pulled out the barbecue, I worked in the kitchen, and we made a fantastic dinner of steak with sauteed mushrooms, steamed asparagus and the rest of the focaccia from Pastaworks. Delightful? Yes. Blog-worthy? Not particularly.

Life is good. I am happy. I mean, really happy. I'm at a very peaceful place in my life, and I don't feel like I need to shout it from the rooftops. In the past, I would talk about how great life was because life wasn't great. Whether it was to talk about it aloud enough to convince myself, or to tell everyone about it to put on the facade of someone who has it all together, I wasn't truly happy. Who knows if I was fooling everyone else, but I know I was never fooling myself. It was like I was afraid to disappoint people for not having a good life. Silly, huh? Now, life is good (not perfect, of course) and I don't worry about how everyone else is perceiving my life. I don't need non-stop adventure, but this easy going attitude makes for lack-luster writing. Still, if I have to choose from a life of drama that'll fill up pages or this state of happiness, I'll take the latter, thank you.

Spring is here, and more activities are on their way. Greg and I want to go camping, kayaking, travelling and more. We're working on our house, and hope that we get some big changes done during the summer. It'll hopefully be something worth writing about, but for now, lazy days under the sun are good enough for me.

Everyone Around Me is Still Sleeping

2009-04-10T10:26:00.000-07:00

It's 10:26 am. A late start to the day. Actually, I can't say that I've really started my day. My teeth are brushed, my contacts are in, and I've been online for about an hour. That's about it.

I think Greg and I deserve a day of sleeping in. We are finally completely moved out of our old house. It was a very trying experience. In hindsight, there are a lot of things I would have done differently (mainly renting a truck), but it's done. We're in our new house, and now we unpack, unpack, unpack. Although there's still a lot of work to be done, I am starting to feel like I am home. It's a great feeling. It's all starting to sink in- the realization that this house is MINE. I will not be paying rent at the end of this month. A mysterious landlord does not get my money. I get my money. That sounds fair.

My mind is focused solely on this house- where to put everything, what color to paint the bedrooms, fencing the yard, getting the new refrigerator (again), should we put new floors in or refinish what's under the carpet, and so on and so on and so on.

Sorry. It's been nothing but house talk from me. I will hopefully soon be far enough in making this house my own, so I can focus my attention on other parts of my life. I should do that. Balance is healthy.

I should get out of bed.

2009-03-31T16:08:00.001-07:00

What's better than a pound of bacon? A HOUSE! We sealed the deal, and signed all the closing papers on our new house yesterday! We don't have the keys yet- that'll probably happen tomorrow. I'll post more pictures soon- I need to get in there to take good pictures :0)

So you can help me two ways (not seriously, but if you wanna):

I'm doing Walk MS on the same Saturday that I'm moving. So you can all help me move, or support Walk MS by donating or showing up and showing support! The walk begins at 10am.

Why Do I Have This Thing??

2009-03-25T17:17:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been having so many thoughts race through my head right as I lay down to sleep. These thoughts are very fluid and clear- almost poetic- and I want to jot them down onto my blog for all my friends to see. But I don't.

I lie awake in bed, philosophical ideas and emerging epiphanies present themselves to me with no force or cognitive effort at all...

and I just lie there and let them pass. Why? Am I that lazy that I don't roll out of bed and perform the simple task of scribbling these words down? I could even just write down the main point of these thoughts, and call it a night. Sigh.

I need to keep a journal by my bed. I don't want any more of these thoughts to slip through my fingers. It's not that I feel like I'm going to break barriers or change the world with any of these ideas. It's just that I've created this blog to challenge myself- to really explore my sense of expression, and to make myself vulnerable and open in ways of showing my creativity. I'm very hard on myself, and I stop myself from going on a lot of artistic endeavors because I am embarrassed to show my work. I am embarrassed to show myself in a more serious and deeper light, and the whole point of this blog is to get over that.

So here's how it will be from now on. More honesty. More vulnerability. More risks, and more purity. It's scary.

Finally

2009-03-19T17:30:00.000-07:00

I finally feel like I'm doing something a little meaningful with myself! Lately I've been feeling like I've just been existing, rather than being a part of the world. My contribution to life- I've signed up for Walk MS. I know a beautiful woman who was diagnosed with MS about a year ago, and together (along with a gaggle of other wonderful people) we walk. I walk for her, I walk for a cure, I walk for reason and hope.

Please check out my page and if you feel like donating, it would be much appreciated. I have a very small goal ($75) to reach, but I'm hoping to exceed that goal.

I feel a little better about occupying some space on this planet. I'm here for a reason!

Buying a House...

2009-02-26T22:17:00.000-08:00

...is one of the most stressful things I've ever had to deal with. In a way, it makes me very grateful. I could be dealing with a lot worse.

Recycle, Toss, Sell, Clean

2009-02-21T19:11:00.000-08:00

Today has been a tiresome, and minimally gratifying day. I have a lot of crap.

A LOT of crap.

I've been sorting through so much junk in my house- papers, clothing, knick-knacks and doo-dads, and I still have so much more to sort through. I didn't realize how much useless crap I have accumulated. I don't need so much.

So goodbye, old and tired t-shirts. Farewell, broken mirror I never used. Adios, bicycles, wedding dress and countless other items that will hopefully serve better use to someone who will, well, actually use you.

I've still quite a ways to go, but I feel like I've gained some ground. So maybe it wasn't minimally gratifying. I feel good. I feel liberated and relieved. I feel.....

lighter.

Know anyone who wants to buy a wedding dress?

Gut? Are you still here?

2009-02-06T09:53:00.001-08:00

The hunt is on. We've been pre-approved for a loan, and for the last week we've been teaming up with our awesome realtor and have looked at about over a dozen homes so far. It's exciting, it's terrifying, it's nerve-wracking, and it is melting my brain. All I am thinking about are houses. We have sort of a deadline of when we'd like to have a house, so even though we still have a good month's worth of time to look, I'm starting to feel like I might be too picky, and that since it is our first home, and no one's first home is perfect, that I should be a little more open. Or should I go with my gut, like people are telling me, and wait for that house that I'll know is "the one". I don't like letting my gut make the important decisions. I have my head for things like that.

Although....

We did see a house that we walked into, and right away I thought, "I want this!" I loved it, and so did Greg. The only problem was that someone had already put an offer down (one we couldn't compete with), and the seller was going to accept it that next morning. Bummer. I want to feel that way about another house, only I want it to actually be available for us. I like some of the houses we've seen. I like one of them a lot, but I don't feel that same way. It's a great buy, we'd get a good deal for it, but where's that gut feeling? Maybe I made my gut angry for chosing my head over it, and it left me. I want my gut back. I want to feel that gut feeling- the one where the excitement had a calming effect on me, where I felt comfortable stepping into the home, and I felt like I already belonged there. I'm sorry gut, I'll let you be a part of this again. Work your gutty magic. Please?

Call Me a Little Sadistic, But...

2009-01-28T16:47:00.000-08:00

...this was very entertaining. I've never been a huge fan of violence. Not one for surprise blows, either. But put it in slow motion, and add a tune with a catchy beat, and you know what? I like surprise blows to the face!

25 Random Things About Me

2009-01-26T17:21:00.000-08:00

I was tagged on Facebook to write 25 random things about myself. I kind of liked it, and since this blog is about me (ick, I don't like how vain that sounds, but it's true- this blog is about me.), I thought it would be a good post. To the friends on facebook that I tagged, and have already looked at this, turn away and do something productive, would ya'? :0)

1. I think my breath is kind of stinky today.

2. When I was little, I told everyone that I was going to be a boy when I grew up, not because I necessarily wanted to be a boy, but because I thought everyone eventually turned into a boy.

3. I pick my nose way more than I believe is socially acceptable.

4. I don't mind where I work, but I think some people aren't happy that I'm okay with it. I think they think I should be doing more with myself, but I'm not really a career-minded person. I don't think my job defines me, and I don't want to do all the work and spend all the money to meet the expectations that other people think I should have for myself, just to get a more "grown-up" and "real" job that'll take me away from what I really love in life.

5. I want a dog so badly, that I cry about it sometimes.

6. When I was about four, I thought marraige meant you would get to have a sleepover with your best friend everyday, so I wanted to marry Rainbow Brite. When I was informed that you have to kiss and do other stuff with that person, I decided to marry Mr. T instead.

7. Some days I think that I don't ever want to have children, or that I should adopt rather than give birth.

8. Some days, I think about having kids, and it makes me happy.

9. My right leg is significantly shorter than my left. So much so, in fact, that I suffer from debilitating back pain from time to time. I succumb to whatever position I'm in when the pain hits, sometimes scream out in pain, and just cry until the pain lessens- sometimes it's for a couple hours Every day hurts, but that's become normal for me.

10. I like the fact that people think I'm funny. I like being funny. It means a lot to me when I can make people laugh.

11. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate doing the dishes, but I hate a sink full of dirty dishes more.

12. When I was twelve, I thought I would only live until I was 24. I don't know why I thought this, I just did, and I was okay with it. There was a little part of me that had always believed this until the day of my 25th birthday.

13. I love to sing, but I have a paralyzing fear of singing in front of people. I don't even like to sing on my karaoke machine at home, because I think my neighbors may hear a little.

14. I think music sounds better when I'm listening to it with Greg. There's something about listening to music with someone who really understands and appreciates it- when he's playing songs he likes, I feel like there's more to it than just liking the song- there's something deeper, and I feel honored to be a part of it.

15. That being said, I wish I knew how to play a musical instrument. I can fake a few things on a guitar or keyboard, and I can hold a simple beat on the drums, but I don't really know how to play. I even took a guitar class in college, but I don't possess natual musical talent, and no matter how often I practice the guitar, I don't seem to get any better.

16. I'm kind of glad that my parents had a messy divorce. Not that I'm happy that they went through a very rough time, but I learned so many valuable lessons from their mistakes.

17. I hope to be living in my first purchased home by summer of this year. That excites me, and scares me at the same time.

18. I wish I read more often.

19. I think farts are so funny. I can even remember cracking up in elementary school because I saw the word "fart" printed in a book. I couldn't get over seeing such a funny word in such a non-funny Times New Roman font. I still giggle when I see it in print.

20. I don't like to do things by myself. Riding my bike, getting a bite to eat, going for walks, and other simple pleasures sometimes go undone because I can't find anyone to do them with me. Sometimes I force myself to just go out and have a good time by myself, and I do, but the thought of "this would be more fun if (insert name) was here, " constantly pops up in my head.

21. I sometimes sound like a stupid valley girl. I say "like" wayyy to often, and it annoys me.

22. I know how to juggle.

23. I regret giving my mom a hard time when she was trying to teach me how to speak spanish when I was younger. It's coming back to haunt me now. I know quite a bit, but my vocabulary and grammer are like a five year old's. Maybe even younger.

24. I don't think I've found my passion in life. I hope to find it soon.

25. I think I got married at a very young age, but I don't regret it for a second.

an afterthought on "L"

2009-01-23T09:46:00.000-08:00

Lakes? LAKES?!! What the hell, what a stupidly vague thing to love. Yes, some lakes can be serene and beautiful, but I do love things that start with the letter L more than lakes. While we're at it, lips was kind of a pull it out of my ass answer as well (I do love Greg's lips...others' can be chapped and cracked and flaky and just not all that pleasant to stare at). I know this is just a little word game, but I'm declaring a redo on my #'s 9 and 10.

my new 9. London. LONDON, of course! Sheesh.
my new 10 is a tie between Leprechauns and Little People. Sue me.

I Got Tagged...

2009-01-22T16:18:00.000-08:00

...to play the Alphabet Game! I was assigned the letter L, so now I must list 10 things I love that start with the letter L.

1. Labradoodles

2. Love Song by The Cure

3. Ludwig Van Beethoven

4. Lobster

5. Love Actually I love Bill Nighy as Billy Mack! "Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free!"

6. Lemon Turnovers from the bakery on Alberta St.

7. Laughter

8. Leftovers

9. Lips

10. Lakes

Now I will tag three people to play the game....

Lisa gets the letter G
Kim gets the letter M
Kelli gets the letter B

Have fun!

I'm having a baby!!!

2009-01-08T15:54:00.001-08:00

For dessert. Thanks to my new foetus cookie-cutter I got for Christmas! Thanks, Greg!

New Year

2009-01-01T12:47:00.000-08:00

This new year:

I hope happiness outweighs sadness. That hearts grow strong, people get and stay healthy, and sickness is nowhere to be found. I hope broken hearts are mended, strength is gained, and souls become wiser without feeling too old. I hope families can visit, bonds are made, and re-connections are formed. I hope stress is replaced by sighs of relief, and pain is not caused by the people we love. I hope we all become a bit more aware of ourselves, and of our emotions. If sadness, guilt, anger or depression come our way, let's recognize it and deal with it, instead of pushing it aside and pretending it doesn't exist, because when you know pain, you know how to heal. When you know sadness or anger, you understand better what happiness is. Let's laugh more, love without fear, and not be embarrassed to be a little silly. Let's make ourselves happy, but not forget about the importance of making those around us just as happy.

Happy New Year.

Snow Day Photos

2008-12-19T22:29:00.001-08:00

As promised, here are some photos from our snowy Portland days. It's been a week since the snow has started, and the flurries keep on coming. It's still a beautiful sight, but it's been a bit troublesome getting around town. Oh well, I will keep on enjoying this freakishly cold weather, because it doesn't come around very often. Enjoy the pics.

This last one was taken when my eyes were attacked by stinging snowflakes. The bastards.

Crunch, Crunch, Crunch

2008-12-14T17:42:00.000-08:00

Crunch, crunch, crunch.

That's the sound of my boots stomping through freshly fallen snow. Snow Day in Portland!

I woke up this morning to a world of white. This is not a common occurance for the people of Portland. After bundling myself up, I walked out to my car, scraped off the ice and snow and headed to work, which turned out to be more of an adventure than I bargained for. The freeway was pretty clear until I headed into the city where I work (Beaverton...woo.), which is at a higher elevation than P-land. The lines dividing the lanes were wiped out by a sheet of snow, and no one knew what to do. It was fun. Having made this trip a thousand times over, I knew where I was on the road, and my tires felt true to the ground. I can't say the same for other drivers.

I realized that the day was only going to get colder and more snow-filled, so I made the decision to leave my car at work, and hitch a ride with my friend, who was more prepared than I was for such a snow fall. This is when I realized how much I love my new car- I didn't mind driving in the snow, I was just worried that an inexperienced snow-driver would hit my car. I felt safer leaving it at work. Chains on Brook's truck tires, we headed back to the North side.

I spent the remainder of my morning walking around my neighborhood, taking pictures and just enjoying my surroundings- my neighborhood had a winter make-over ::snaps fingers in a "z" shape:: fab-u-lous! Since I can't find my USB cable, I cannot post pictures just yet, but I will eventually.

I ended the evening with a nice bowl of homemade stew. I will now sit by the fire and enjoy the rarity that is snow in Portland!

PS: The word "snow" was written ten times in this blog.

PPS: For anyone who read my last posting- I did get my hair cut, and I did buy my crafting materials. Who's the ninny now, huh?! Not me!

Productive, Yet Not

2008-12-12T19:24:00.000-08:00

Greg went on a cleaning rampage yesterday, which was AWESOME (we can be quite the messy duo), and I continued it this morning. I love having a clean house, so why don't I keep it clean more often??? I did an overhaul on the bathroom, tidied up my vanity in the dining room and cleaned the rats' cage. It was a productive morning. I then baked four batches of gingerbread men and gingersnap cookies for Greg (I think ginger stuff is gross). We had a few causalties- a broken gingerbread man leg, a couple decapitations- but overall, quite a success. I felt full of energy...

...and then I sat down.

I was planning on going out to buy materials for Christmas gifts (happy handmade-I-don't-have-money-holiday!), but the sofa was calling to my butt, and who am I to get in the way of true happiness? I sat....and sat....and sat some more. Energy gone. Projects left undone. Boo.

It's been quite a blustery day today, and I'm sure that influenced my decision to stay put. I had plans to go out tonight, but they've been cancelled, and I'm okay with that. It's a great night to stay in. Greg's home now, and he's be working crazy hours at the hotel for the past few weeks, and next week he's going to be even busier, so it'll be nice to spend the evening in with him so I can remember what he looks like.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will continue on with my chores. I WILL go out and buy the tools I need to get my craft on. I'm even thinking of getting my hair cut. Now that I've written it into cyber-eternity, I must get it done, lest I look like a ninny who's all talk and no action. I don't want to be a ninny.

Sister Cities

2008-12-09T19:22:00.000-08:00

Oregon

Mexico

From the home page of PGSA:

"The Portland Guadalajara Sister City Association (PGSCA) is a non-profit organization dedicated to creating and strengthening partnerships and fostering goodwill between the City of Portland and the City of Guadalajara. PGSCA achieves this endeavor through on-going cultural, educational, and economic development initiatives.

Additionally, PGSCA's Community Giving Program supports creditable Causes in Oregon through social, cultural and educational projects. PGSCA's four-day Cinco de Mayo Fiesta held at Portland’s Tom McCall Waterfront Park provides the primary source of funding for the organization's charitable and cultural activities. The Cinco de Mayo Fiesta celebrates the richness and diversity of family, culture and community with authentic Latino art, music, dance, cuisine, and hand made crafts.

PGSCA’s mission is to foster intercultural exchange, promote goodwill with the citizens of Guadalajara, and to stimulate the development of cultural diversity between Mexico and the United States."

In late 2006, the government of Guadalajara awarded Portland with one acre of park land in Bosque Colomos, Guadalajara’s largest central-city park. Within this park space, Jardin Portland was created. Jardin Portland is a global model for landscape design, environmental sustainability, and cultural tourism and exchange.

In February of 2008, two rose gardens were created. These gardens line the entrance to the park. Currently in the works are a replica of Multnomah Falls and it's famous footbridge.

For more info, check out:

http://www.pgsca.com/jardinportland/index.html or http://www.pgsca.com/

It's funny, but knowing that the city where half of my heritage comes from, and the city which I now (and hopefully will forever) call my home are connected, it makes me feel like I'm right where I need to be....like I belong here.

...and so it begins...

2008-12-06T15:49:00.000-08:00

Greg and I made an appointment for this Wednesday with a housing lender. I'm very excited to get the ball rolling on this whole house buying process. The steps towards buying a house are so foreign to me that I have no idea what to expect in this meeting. Who knows? We may find out that we're not ready to buy a house, but at least by knowing that, we'll know what steps need to be taken to become ready.

It really means a lot to me that Greg took this first step to contact a housing lender. I've been in a pretty big funk lately- what with my dad, my work stressing me out, and just a few other forces in the universe challenging me lately. I got to talk with Greg, and express how important it is for me to take this next step in life and try to own some property, and he really listened, understood and responded. I love it. I love him so much. He really knows what it takes to make me happy now. When I cry about my dad, he shows me videos of animals wearing hats, or helps me learn how to say "I am a pineapple" in four more languages (I'm up to eight, it's really going to get me somewhere in life). So simple, but he knows exactly what it takes to put a smile on my face. I only hope I am always returning the favor for him.

I Hate This

2008-12-03T16:54:00.000-08:00

It's been two weeks since my dad had heart surgery and he's STILL in the hospital. He wants to leave, we want him to leave, but they are making him stay. Had everything gone smoothly, he would have been home a week ago. First, he has a troublesome post-op experience where his lungs weren't working, making him stay in ICU for a day and a half longer than he had to. Now he's got a kidney infection, and we don't know when he can go home.

I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I just want him home, where he can feel comfortable and safe. Where he can get the rest he so desperately needs, and where I believe he'll be able to recover more quickly. I've been trying so hard to be patient, to be strong, but I'm breaking. It's all I think about. I do nothing but worry about him, and I feel so guilty for being up here and not still down there with him. I feel guilty for not having a house big enough for him to stay in- if I had an extra room, I'd find a way to work it out with his doctors and fly him up here to recover, where I can keep an eye on him and take care of him.

I hate this.

I've never felt so useless to someone I love.

Because Lists Are Easier Than Paragraphs

2008-11-28T16:56:00.000-08:00

Here is a list of blogs that I started writing about, but then deleted, or of topics that I intended on writing about, but either waited to long so the event became irrelivant, or I couldn't figure out a way to start it, or any other lame excuse that keeps me from writing on this more often.

* My Dad's surgery. It was tough to go through, so I don't need to relive it in writing.

* My boss, but I don't want to be that person. You know, the person that just bitches about their boss.

* My house being haunted. I started writing about this one today, totally convinced that my house was haunted, and then Greg totally debunked it. Damn scientific evidence and air displacement. I deleted it, because I didn't want to look retarded.

* How I think claiming to be selfish and a free spirit is a cop-out for having to try in life. I think it shows weakness. In a fight or flight situation, flight is the easy way out. You don't have to stay where you are, but when you decide to make a change, do it with grace. I thought I'd get too angry and preachy in this one.

* A blog about Edgar, but that would make me a crazy cat lady.

* Songs I like. I may come back to this one, but I just don't know how to lay it out onto paper-err-screen.

* The kick-ass pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting that Gina and I made. I'm so proud of that dessert, that I've pretty much already told everyone about it, so why write about it as well? I think I may still post the recipe, though. It's easy to follow and deeeeelicious!

* I want to do more for my community. That's about it. It wouldn't be much of a blog. It would probably go a little like this: I want to do more for my community. The end.

* The last good books I've read. Geek Love and Anthem. I've never been good about writing reviews for books or movies, so I've hesitated on writing these, but look them up, because they're worth reading.

* My latest art project. I'm really excited about it, but two things have kept me from writing about it. First, it's supposed to be a surprise for my art group, and I don't know if any of them read this. Second, I have procrastinated the hell out of it, and haven't worked on it in about three weeks. If I start to write about it, I think, "that's lame. Why am I writing about something I haven't finished, when I could be finishing it." Then I don't do either. I could be working on it right now....

That's about all on the topic front. Huh, a blog about blog topics. Where, oh where has my creativity gone to?

flibbity flop

2008-11-13T20:17:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been feeling like the world and the people around me are a bit more insane than normal. There are so many things happening right now that don't actually affect me directly, but they're having an impact on my life in some branched out way. I'm stressed, I'm scared, I'm angry, but I'm happy too. I guess I'm stressed about my job, I'm scared about my dad's surgery next week, I'm angry about certain people's actions, and I'm happy at home. Maybe my sensitivity level may be heightened a bit (for what reason? I can't say.) or maybe I'm the one who's gone off their rocker, and the rest of the world is going on with business as usual.

No. It's not me. It's you.

What I'm trying to say is....I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say. Life feels off kilter. Too many stories in my own life and in the lives of those I care about are shooting straight for the dramatic climax at the same time. It's too intense. I feel like I'm waiting- waiting for results. For changes. For a catostrophic end- SOMETHING. The anticipation is rendering me crazy. I don't know which direction to go in my life right now I guess, because I'm waiting for the next chapter in the lives around me. I feel like one of those people may need me, and I don't want to start something new in my own life, and possibly miss the moment when that person will need to reach out to me for help. Does this even make any sense? I feel so distracted right now.

Totally off subject....not that those preceding paragraphs had a subject...

While I was driving on the freeway today, a car was totally riding my ass. I guess I wasn't driving fast enough for him during rush hour traffic- no one was driving fast enough for him, but I was the lucky one that was in his way. He got even closer to my bumper and flashed his brights. Well, I'm not one for road rage, so all I did was let my foot off the gas- you flashed your brights- does that mean you want me to go slower? Then as he quickly swerved into an open lane, he drove up to my car to show me he was mad- that's when I like to give a big smile and wave. He was a young guy- maybe 19 or so, and my cheerful nature did not please him. So he gunned it and proceeded to swerve in and out of traffic to show all of us amature drivers how it's done. I went about my driving duties, and about three minutes later when I was reaching my exit, my friend who was riding with me said, "isn't that the truck that was in a hurry?" Sure enough, we were approaching the young Mad Max. He was in the far left lane, stuck in traffic, and we were two lanes over. As my car reached his, I turned my head to see if he remembered me. He looked, and I gave a great big smile and waved as I slowly passed him. You're going seven miles per hour? Oh, look at that, I'm going ten. Good thing you flashed your brights at me, it really helped you out in the end. Ass.

I Thought You Were Better Than That

2008-11-06T19:25:00.000-08:00

Dear California,

I was sorely disappointed to hear that you passed Proposition 8. Seeing how California is the hotspot for new and upcoming trends, I guess discrimination and stripping away Americans' rights are very "in". I hope that trend is very short-lived.

Not so fondly,
Krisha

The Final Countdown

2008-10-29T18:51:00.001-07:00

I dropped my ballot off today.

Yeah!

I can't wait for Tuesday. Not only for the long awaited answer of who's going to be president, but for the long desired relief from non-stop campaign commercials.

I can't believe how anxious I am about the outcome of this election! I've never followed political races so closely. I know this is a historical race, but still, I'm amazed at how nervous I am! I'm nervous!

All I can say is- don't forget to vote. We've all been voicing our opinions, but our words mean shit if we don't turn in our ballots. Polls show that Obama is in the lead, but polls don't elect the President, votes do- palpable votes. Voter turnout will be what really determines the outcome.

I've been mapping out the next couple of years of my life lately. I'm hoping that Greg and I will buy a house before the end of next year, and after that, we'll try for a baby, but if McCain is elected, I'm seriously considering waiting to have a baby for at least another four years.

Hmmm

2008-10-22T15:57:00.000-07:00

Today at work we were sampling some new cheeses. One of them was called "Cow Chego". It's our own twist on Manchego, and it's pretty good- creamy and mellow. It makes me wonder, though....

If Cow Chego is made from cow's milk, what is Manchego made from?

I think Manchego tastes a lot better. Is that wrong?

Mexico...

2008-10-16T18:47:00.000-07:00

...was amazing. One of the best trips of my life. We went to so many places: Cancun, Yucatan, Mexico City, Guadalajara, Lake Chapala, Aguas Calientes, Tlaquepaque....and saw so many incredible sights.

The highlights, of course, were seeing the ancient pyramids of the Mayans and the Aztecs. Unfortunately, we couldn't climb up the steps of the Temple of Kukulkan, because the government closed the steps to help preserve the Temple- good for the history, bad for my....

OK. That's how I was planning on telling everybody about my trip. Now, my mind is like cake batter and I'd much rather be downstairs munching on some pita chips and hummus, and then hop into the shower and stay there for about a year.

Nothing significant happened to make me change my direction for this blog. I just can't seem to get into a "flow" of sorts. The phone keeps ringing, I'm thinking about my laundry that has to go into the dryer, and as I've said before- hummus, pita chips and shower.

This was a trip of a lifetime, truly unforgettable. It made me want to really try harder to become fluent in spanish, and it also made me realize that (as much as I love her) I WILL NEVER GO ON VACATION WITH MY MOTHER AGAIN. There were far too many times where she broke my heart without ever knowing it, and I just don't think I could handle it. Regardless of that fun-filled fact, I will treasure the time I spent in Mexico, and I promise I will not wait another fifteen years to see my family.

Some highlights of my trip:

*Climbing to the top of The Pyramid of the Sun in Teotihuacan: There is something so magical about being able to fully engulf yourself in history- to step on the same steps that your ancestors walked on, to touch a stone and wonder how many people before you touched that same stone- little things, but each stone, every inch of paint or plaster that endured and stayed intact after so many years is something to be recognized and respected.

*Lunch in Mexico City during our temple tour: Instead of eating lunch at the restaurant where all the tourists go, our awesome tour guide took us to his friend's place. We were greeted warmly and sat in the back kitchen with his family. I had the best damn chile relleno of my life in that little kitchen.

*Breakdown in Aguas Calientes: My family decided to take a little road trip to see even more family in the city of Aguas Calientes in Jalisco. So there we were- Brian, Greg, my mom, my cousin Raul, Raul's wife and 4-year-old son, my Tio Raul, my cousins Maricela and Carolina and I- piled in an old skool pimp van (plush recliners and a bench in the back) making our way through nowheres-ville when we came across some car troubles. We made it just short of a couple blocks to my Tio Pasqual's house. The van was dead and the ten of us walked the rest of the way. That's how we roll.

*The battle of the Mariachi bands: Brian, Greg, Maricela and I went out to Tlaquepaque to check out some art galleries and do some shopping. We stopped for lunch at a restaurant located inside a big courtyard. What we found out was that this courtyard was home to about sixteen other restaurants- and ALL of them had Mariachi bands wandering the aisles, asking patrons if they would like to hear some music. You know who wanted to hear some music? The table to the left of us, and a table about three parties to the right of us....and they wanted to hear music at the same time. So two mariachi bands were playing AT THE SAME TIME, and THEY WERE PLAYING DIFFERENT SONGS. The best part was that through all of the ::ahem:: music, there was a man fast asleep at the table behind us. Good times. Good times indeed.

There were so many more moments that made this trip the spectacular adventure that it was, but there's no way I could list them all, and there's probably not enough of you interested to hear them all- I am known to blab.

Anxious

2008-09-30T18:56:00.000-07:00

We leave for Mexico in three days!!! I'm so excited, but I feel totally unprepared for this trip. I always feel like I'm forgetting something when I go on vacation. Still, I hate how anxious and nervous I get- it puts me in a foul mood, and I'm sure I'm not much of a peach to hang out with.

I just have to breathe.....

For those who don't know the details:

Greg and I are flying to Cancun on Thursday night (hell yeah!). We'll meet up with Brian (my brother) and my mom, and take a guided tour of Chichen Itza. From Cancun, we fly to Mexico City so we can see Teotihuacan. Then we rent a car and drive to Guadalajara to spend the rest of our trip with family. Good times!

What the hell is this entry about?

2008-09-24T18:47:00.000-07:00

I never thought I had an addictive personality, but I am finding that to be untrue. I cannot believe how restless I get when I am unable to do my daily internet surfing. I am addicted to my computer AND IT IS STILL BROKEN. It's my own fault- I just haven't gone to Fry's to get the part I need (look at me trying to convince myself that I know what the problem is with my computer. Greg's the brains- I'm just supplying the funds.) and it's because of my own procrastination and laziness. I swear, I am so lazy sometimes.

Anyhoo, the moments I am able to steal Greg's laptop, I feel like a heroin addict doing.....whatever it is heroin addicts do when they finally get another hit of heroin.

Ok, I don't feel like a heroin addict. I don't know what a heroin addict would feel like, and I'm sure it's waaaaaay more devastating (or euphoric) than how I feel when I hop back onto a computer. I'm too square to use that comparison....or should I say, "I'm too cool and above it to know how it feels to use drugs!" Drugs are bad, kids. Don't use them. Ok.

So now here I am, with an endless array of topics in my head that I would love to jot down onto- err- screen, but it's been so long since I've been online that my mind is being pulled in twenty different directions- myspace, hotmail, etsy, banking, flickr, blogs blogs BLOGS! I cannot make my brain settle down and focus. That, and I am still fighting off a cold that I've had for the past week and a half. I swear to God there must be a ball of mucus the size of a grapefruit residing peacefully in the back of my nasal cavity! Every now and then this mother-ship of a booger likes to release it's sticky little cling-ons into my nostrils or down my throat. It's a soothing sort of feeling- having a little snot ball tease and taunt my sinus cavity, and every loogie I begrudgingly swallow brings back memories of when I was a little kid and used to eat my boogers. Sigh, those were the days.

I think I should leave the blogging to another day. Maybe when I'm feeling a little better.

Roughin' it for Our Fourth

2008-09-16T19:38:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, Greg and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary by camping at Crater Lake. Despite getting sick on our last day, I had an amazing time. Crater Lake is truly one of the most beautiful sights I have ever laid my eyes upon, and I can't wait to go back! I would love to describe in every last flourished detail just how breathtaking it was, but alas, my skills as a descriptive writer are quite lacking- I just wouldn't do it justice. I do however, have quite a few pictures from our trip. Below are a few, and I'll probably post the rest on the Flickr account that I've recently set up.

Our first peak of the Lake. We immediately pulled over and oggled over the spectacular view.

Getting my toes wet. The water is usually around 32 degrees year round- yikes! But seriously, if I had worn my bathing suit that day, I would have dove right in! It was the clearest and bluest water I had ever seen in my life!

Strolling along in a wildflower meadow. It was a little late in the season for a lot of the flowers, but it was beautiful nonetheless.

See! I told you that water was clear! I took this sitting on a rock-edge about ten feet from the water's surface.

A cute old man took this picture. We look pretty dorky with our jeans rolled up....Greg more so than I :0) I knew I loved dorks.

This mini vacation will go down as one of my all time favorites. The anniversary may go down as a favorite as well, but we've got lots of years to top it! Seriously, we've come a long way in our marriage, and I am so happy that we are in such a good place right now. We had a rough time about a year ago, probably more serious than anyone really knew- if they knew that we were having problems in the first place. Last year, if I was told that I would feel this loved and this fulfilled in my marriage, I wouldn't have believed it. I am glad we are long past that now, and whatever struggles we had, we have survived them and (ok, here comes the cliche) have come out stronger than before. I am so in love with Greg.

broken

2008-09-09T15:38:00.000-07:00

My computer is broken!

Greg has a laptop, so I have a chance here and there to hop online, but he takes it to work, leaving me sans cyber world. Boo. I've been wanting to share about all the latest and greatest happenings, but I can't hog the pc right now- Greg's just taking a quick break from work to let me hop on and check on stuff....plus, I kind of have to poop.

Here's a quick peak into my life: new car, new art projects, new travels, new new new!

Ok, I definitely have to poop.

I miss you all. All...probably two of you who read this :0)

Happy

2008-09-03T20:30:00.001-07:00

So I'm going car shopping this weekend.

Yes, I have been doing nothing but complaining about my stupid car (trust me, if you've ridden in it in the past nine months, you'd understand) and quite frankly, I am sick of hearing my whining little voice. So, no more. I need to buck up and start thinking happy thoughts again. To help me revive my damaged happy-mojo, I will now list things that make me smile/things that make me giggle. Enjoy:

> Of course my family and friends. Sweet, huh?

> The way my cat looks when he's eating his treats- he looks like a vampire. It makes me giggle.

> Hedgehogs. Greg is really warming me up to hedghogs. Have you seen them? They're effing adorable! They make me giggle.

> Working on my art projects- I'm really happy with the one I'm working on right now. This one is making me smile and laugh.

> Persian cucumbers make me happy.

> Riding my bike makes me happy.

>Greg's kisses make me happy.

>Watching midgets run make me giggle. Go ahead and judge, I'm still gonna laugh.

> When Greg wears random hats- that makes me smile. Today it was a giant top hat and a sombrero.

> Dancing like I've got poopy pants with my friend, Gina.

> Dancing like I've got poopy pants, period.

> Drinking tea.

> Three-legged dogs.

> Singing in the car- although I'm so shy about it, I stop singing if someone is next to me at a red light. Still, it makes me happy.

> Taking pictures makes me happy.

> Crab makes me happy. Eating it, not being infested by it.

> Kayaking makes me happy. I didn't realize how much I'd love kayaking.

> British and Irish accents make me happy.

There are a lot more, but I'm satisfied with this list. I'm feeling better already.

Bug, You've Got Me By the Balls!

2008-09-01T16:53:00.000-07:00

So here's a little update about my car...

The car died about a week ago. I bought a new battery, hoping that would solve the problem and sure enough, the car started back up again- hooray! Knowing that my car hates me and wishes nothing but evil into my life, I decide to make an appointment with my mechanic for later in the week so I can get new brakes. My car has been needing new brakes for a while, and with the luck I've been having with it lately, I should just get them done now and not worry about it later.

Thursday afternoon I took my car in for new brakes. One day and 340 dollars later (440 if you count the hundred bucks for my new battery), I welcomed back my lime green crapper on wheels with not so open arms.

I had new brakes, a new battery, and a surge of optimism, but my mechanic quickly crushed the latter. He let me know that I was going to need a lot of work done on my car and it would cost me about 800 dollars! Immediately I thought, "time to trade it in." I figured, I'd trade it in before I'd have to do all that work on my car. It's running great now.

Or so I thought.

A day and a half later, Greg borrowed my car, and on his way home from work my car died. Again. I guess it wasn't the battery.

In other news- I'm going to Mexico in a month! Cancun, Mexico City and Guadalajara. Greg, my brother and my mom are all going, too! Funny story: my mom told us that she going to borrow my cousin's time share in Cancun.....

We're going to be in Cancun, Mexico.
The time share is for Cancun Resort in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Mom strikes again! How I love the woman!

I Can't Wait for What Tomorrow Brings!

2008-08-26T17:32:00.000-07:00

Half Empty:

After a restless night of tossing and turning, I woke up this morning only to realize that I had overslept by forty minutes. I usually leave for work about thirty minutes after I wake up, so needless to say I was running a bit late.

Off to work!

While rushing to work, I noticed that my car was sounding a bit funny. The engine seemed to be working really hard, and a slight “tick-tick-tick-tick” sound was coming from under my hood. Oh well. Must drive on. As I took a curved off-ramp, my check oil light lit up on my dashboard. Oh well. I’ll just buy some oil on my way home and top off my car.

I was about three miles from work when all of a sudden, my battery light turned on. Then off. Then on. Then off again. On. Off. On. Off-on-off-on-off-on-off. It stayed off.

What the hell was that?!

I arrived at work eight minutes late. If anyone knows me, they know that I HATE to be late. Ever. For anything. Hate it. Oh well. I continued to my desk to trudge through a fairly uneventful day at work. Eight hours later, it was time to go home.

I got into my car, put the key into the ignition, turned the key- nothing. My car wouldn't start. I guess that’s why the battery light went on. A couple of my co-workers were outside by my car, and one of them had jumper cables in their car, so they jumped my car, and voila! We have power! I thanked my hero of the moment and drove off. My original plan for after work was to drive home, pick up my camera, and head over to Brook’s house to work on an art project. I decided to give Greg a call to give him the heads up about my car acting up. He said that my battery may just need to be cleaned and he had the tools in his car, so I could meet him at his work and he could clean up my battery. This sounded like a good idea, so I gave Brook a call to reschedule our art date, and headed downtown to Greg’s work. That turned out to be quite an ordeal.

As I was heading into the tunnel towards downtown, my car decided to act like it was possessed by the devil- which, by the way, I wouldn’t put past the lime green bastard. This car has tried to cut my arm off with it's window, and it’s locks have actually drawn blood from one of my passengers! But I digress…I was heading into the tunnel when my ABS light went on. Then off. Then on. Then my airbag light went on, my screen that shows what gear my car is in turned off, my radio turned off and my speedometer kept jumping from fifty to zero to twenty to five and back to zero mph’s. Now, I don’t know much about cars, but I suspected that this was not good.

I made it to Greg’s work, parked my car and let my husband work his magic. I guess he needed his top hat for his magic to kick in, because after a couple failed attempts to jump my car (again), it started up for a little while, then let all of it’s lights, bells and whistles flare up (again)- and die. Greg let me drive his truck home.

I swear to God my car knows whenever I make a large purchase, because every single time I spend a lot of money (or come into a good amount), no more than three days later does that crappy bug have some kind of problem that puts me deeper into debt! This time the purchase was plane tickets. Ever since I’ve paid off my car (which was in November), I have been looking forward to having one less monthly payment, but I have probably put more money into repairs over these last nine months than monthly payments would have cost me. Stupid bug. I want to keep it until it dies, but that time seems to be creeping closer and closer. Or I just may drive the blasted thing off a cliff- that is if I can start it.

Half Full:

After an active night of finding the perfect sleeping position, I woke up this morning about forty minutes after my alarm was supposed to go off. It was so nice to wake up naturally for once! I got to work a little late, so yay- I got to work eight minutes less today!

On my way to work, my battery light and check oil light went on. It’s so reassuring to know that the safety features in my car still work. Thank you, car, for reminding me it’s close to oil changing time!

Work was fun today! I started making GIANT boards that say CHEESE, MEAT and DELI. They’re going to go above the cheese, meat and deli sections in the store. It’s so wonderful to be able to let my creative juices flow at work and use my imagination!

When I got out of work, I headed towards my car and was greeted by my friendly coworkers. They’re so nice. Then, I tried to turn on my car and wouldn’t you know it- the darn thing wouldn’t start! I guess it was just fate’s way of letting me spend more time with my nice coworkers. Luckily, one of my favorite coworkers had jumper cables in his car, so he gave it a quick jump and voila! We had power! As I made my way home, my dashboard decided to put on a show for me! It flashed all of it’s pretty lights and made it’s fancy speedometer wave hello to me! I thought it would be nice to share this experience with Greg, so I met him at his work and showed him all the lovely tricks my car could do. He thought it was nice, but he had to go back to work, so he jumped my car again and it started up! Then my car decided to do an encore performance and let the lights go off again. Hooray! I guess Greg thought this was a nice show, so he told me he wanted to keep my car, and he’d let me drive his truck home. I love driving his truck- it makes me feel tough!

All in all, it was a wonderful day!

Come Back Soon!

2008-08-21T17:15:00.000-07:00

Exploring Ape Caves

A Skylight

CAVE PEOPLE!

We were being attacked by bugs

Riding a bike with tiny wheels at the Tour de Fat Festival

Last weekend my sister visited me. This is a momentous occasion because she finally had an opportunity to go on a trip without her kids. Now don't get me wrong, I love my neice and nephews to death, but it was nice to finally have some long overdue "grown-up" time with Erica. Not that we act like grown-ups, but you understand what I'm saying.

It was a perfect weekend, filled with lots of Portland and Pacific Northwest activities. We hiked a trail near Mt. Hood, attended a fun bike festival, went out clubbing and even explored some lava tubes. All in all it was a memorable weekend, made even more special because I got to share it all with my sister.

visit

2008-08-19T18:18:00.001-07:00

Oh what a fun time I had while my sister was in town! I'll share some stories and some pictures, but for now I'll- wait- gonna go- it's my sister!

I love her.